Wikipedia tells me that
Hope is "a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. Hope implies a certain amount of despair, wanting, wishing, suffering or perseverance." It describes
False Hope as "a hope based entirely around a fantasy or extremely unlikely outcome."
I have both, and I wish I had neither. Here's the kicker...I would like to hope that I don't have false hope. See my dilemma here? Most days I feel ok and find it easy to keep my chin up...to maintain a good kind of hope if you will. Other days like today, I wish that hope would just curl up in a ball and die. Hope doesn't cause me relief or happiness. I can say with 100% certainty that it causes me despair and suffering. I wish I had none. My friend Kelly Y. and I talk about this all the time. It would be so much easier to know for certain that we can never have children. The we could grieve and move on. When all hope is gone, the healing can begin. But we get to wait in limbo and suffer the ugliness of hope. (Notice the nice vultures in the photo below...)
I had my first of two IUI's today. It was rather uneventful. I hope that it works. I hope that the injections did all they were supposed to do.
I thought that going through the initial adoption process would make this cycle easier. At least I hoped it would. But if anything, I think it has caused me more grief. We went to the Adoption Coalition picnic today. It was a big letdown for me. I'm not sure what I expected but was disappointed with how things went. It was like a shopping spree for foster children. There were case workers there and each had a table set up. On each table was a photo book of children. The idea was to find a child you like and talk to the case worker about them...get an idea their personalities, etc. I found out that if you find a child that you are interested in your home study gets sent to the case worker. The case workers then takes the top 5 home studies and meets with each other to decide what family is the best fit for the child. I just can't even wrap my mind around all of this. There could be 15 families looking at one child at the same time. I've also noticed a trend that the "pretty, white" children are the ones being adopted. If I were in the system as a child I would have never been chosen. I'm not having a pity party, but I was an ugly kid. Do you have any idea how that breaks my heart for the not so pretty ones? I absolutely had a meltdown and had to leave. I started just sobbing and hubs was so great. He tried to comfort me but I just couldn't stop crying. The whole process of infertility and adoption is just too overwhelming.
So much of me just wants to throw my hands in the air and say forget it. It would be so much easier to not have the desire to be a parent. But what would I do with myself? Where do I fit in if my life stays just as it is now? Who do I become if I don't become a mother? Who does hubs become if not a dad?
I have been reading the journey of a couple and the struggles they are going through. They are in the process of newborn adoption. You should say hi...
http://rebekahpinchback.blogspot.com/This quote in on her website....
"The process of adopting a child pushes your personal envelope as a woman, as a mother, and ultimately, as a human being. It takes more courage than you think you have, offers more self-knowledge than you think you want, and resembles your characteristics into someone familiar but changed."Jana Wolff, Secret Thoughts of an Adopted Mother
Can anyone relate?
Stupid Hope!!!
