It seems like I should have started this blog long ago....I've been through so much that it almost seems impossible to write it all down. As all of you bloggers know, it's hard to come up with a name for your blog, a title for your post, etc. But, the name of this blog could not be more true. Infertility makes you absolutely crazy! One of my best friends is going through some major issues as well. She just suffered her 4th miscarriage and knows exactly what being a crazy infertile means. She sent me an email the other day about how crazy she got over analyzing pregnancy tests. She talked about holding them to the light a certain way, then taking them apart and holding them over a light bulb...just to see if there was the slightest hint of a second line. I imagine a drug addict...trying desperately to get that last little bit of _____(insert drug of your choice). Frantically trying, but ultimately losing the battle. That is what infertility does to us. It makes us lose our freaking minds! We hope and pray and wish and make deals...mostly to no avail. It tests our faith in ways that we never thought possible. So, what do we do? We go for more...we want answers NOW! Let's do whatever we have to do to fill this void!! Mortgage the house? Done!! Spend retirement savings?? Done!! Geez Louise!! See!! CRAZY INFERTILES!
This is going to be a long post...apologies ahead of time.
Hubs and I got married in March 2005. By August 2005 we were ready to have a baby! I'm one of those folks that infertiles hate. I got pregnant the first month we tried. Now, before you get too pissy with me, read on. The pregnancy was easy other than the spotting. No sickness, no tiredness, no food aversions. We had our first ultrasound at about 8 weeks and everything looked ok. By my 12th week I started bleeding and 2 days later miscarried. I didn't have the luxury of a D&C (that came a few years later) so it all happened in the doctors office..bathroom to be exact. It was HORRIFYING to say the least. Once we were able to breathe we just knew that we would be able to conceive again. After all, I happened ON THE FIRST TRY! Surely it will happen quickly this time as well. Well, weren't we stupid. After doing 4 cycles of unmonitored Clomid with my gynecologist we decided it was time to bring out the big guns. We went to an specialist. Let me start by saying that the first time I met my doctor I did not like her very much. We had words and I told her that if we were going to be in this together and I would have my pants off most of the time that we had to get something straight right now! She apologized and now I am totally in love with her. But I digress... we did more Clomid/IUI cycles and then a diagnostic lap surgery. Everything look great in there. We moved on to Follistim/IUI and the first cycle was horrible. I think I only had one follicle. Wash, Rinse, Repeat next month (May 2007). Better response, horrible spotting, horrible HCG numbers. Surprise, ectopic! It took about 2 weeks to figure out what was going on. I had horrible pain and trouble breathing so they brought me in for an ultrasound. There was no pregnancy in the uterus but there was blood in my abdomen. This is an immediate prescription for go to the hospital now, you are having surgery in 2 hours. Turns out that the embryo had nestled snugly into my right fallopian tube. Not exactly the best place for it to be. And the tube was on the verge of rupture..hence the bleeding. Surgery was fine and the tube was saved. This is when I fell in love with my doctor...although she's a woman...and I'm not a lesbian...but you know what I mean. We decided to go onto IVF in August of 2007 and it was a huge bust. Horrible response, no pregnancy, etc.
(Let me interrupt by saying that I've always been a big fat fatty. Dr. Wonderful never mentioned that this could be causing issues). After asking tons of questions Dr. W said that maybe if I lost weight that we might have a greater chance of getting/staying pregnant. She was actually scared to tell me this! After all we have been through. So, I finally got my act together and have lost 51 pounds this year. After losing 40 we decided to try another Follistim/IUI cycle (May 2008). I had a great response, tons of follicles. The ultrasounds were so much easier. Everything was perfect. Including getting pregnant. Everything was going perfectly. Of course, I had been pregnant twice before with horrible outcomes so I was nervous. But my HCG's were beautiful....probably multiples because they were so high. They rose accordingly..I was sick...I was tired...I had major food aversions... We went in at 5 weeks and saw 2 sacs! Twins! We went in at 7 weeks and saw heartbeats and what looked like a 3rd sac. The heartbeats were a little slow and they were measuring a couple of days behind but it was all normal....they usually catch up. We went back in a week and there was no growth and no heartbeats. There were definitely 3 sacs this time. Dr. W was stunned. She has never seen a triplet pregnancy where at least one doesn't make it. It was awful. So, here is where I get the blessing of a D&C. Next day it was all over. So, here we are wondering what to do next. We were going to take a long time off and I was going to lose at least 60 pounds but we have started another Follistim/IUI cycle. I took my first shot last night.
Whew!! Now that you are all caught up it will be lots easier to give you snippets instead of an entire biography!!
Love is a Language
2 months ago