My, how she's grown!

Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Over one more hurdle

I had more blood work done today. I was supposed to go in on Friday but decided to go in today instead. Everything looks good. My hcg was 2177, up from 111. I was very very pleased with this number. My progesterone went down a bit, as well as my estrogen. Not sure what the doc will want to do about this. I should hear something tomorrow. I've got about 5 bazillion hurdles to jump over with this pregnancy. I am just grateful for the good news so far! We will probably schedule an ultrasound for some time next week. maybe the next. I am 5-ish weeks today. Not sure when we will change weeks since I don't know when I ovulated. Hopefully the ultrasound will be great and we will see a heartbeat. I'm already getting nervous about it! Yikes!!

Happy New Year all!

Monday, December 29, 2008

Ignorance Is Bliss

Some women have no issues getting pregnant, no issues during pregnancy, have perfectly healthy babies, and don't think twice about it. The less you know, the less you have to worry about. Take my sister for instance. She has 3 children. Once she saw that positive pregnancy test there was no doubt that a baby would be there 9 months later. She never worried that she might miscarry. She never looked for blood on tp or tried to eat right and stay away from things like caffeine. Heck, during her last pregnancy, diet coke was her drink of choice! And sure enough, 9 months later she gave birth to her perfectly healthy children.

I am not the least bit ignorant of what could happen...what has happened. I hate so much that the enjoyment of pregnancy has been robbed from me. Instead of dreaming of what my child will be like and how wonderful it will be to bring a life into this world I'm worrying about doubling betas and not bleeding. And making sure I do everything the doctors are telling me to do. To avoid aerobic activity and not lift anything over 20 pounds.

Nothing can be easy apparently. My friend Keri has a friend named Christy. She has had 2 miscarriages and is now pregnant for the 3rd time, with twins, via IVF. First, she had a HORRIBLE case of OHSS. She has been bleeding pretty much since she got her positive test. She is 17 weeks along and has been on bed rest the entire time. Yesterday she went to brush her teeth and realized that half of her face was paralyzed. Long story short, she has Bell's Palsy. 98 out 100 people who have it will make a full recovery. She is worried that she will be one of those 2. Can you blame her? I tell you, it's just not fair.

I have had some very light pink, I wouldn't even call it spotting, on the tp when going to the bathroom. Of course, I'm freaking out. Keri says it's completely normal especially since I am doing the vag. progesterone supps. twice a day. Apparently that can cause irritation. I guess as long as there is no bright red blood there is no cause for immediate concern. Well, even if there is, there is nothing I can do about it. Maybe it's the whole idea of have absolutely no control over the situation that is so hard. I can't figure it out. For now, all we can do it wait.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Thanks

Thanks for your support bloggy friends. I really appreciate it! I was just freaking out a little and needed you guys! Nothing too much going on at the moment. I was so exhausted this morning that I stayed in bed until 11:30. I have had nausea off and on today too. I would like to think it's a good thing but I had it with my last pregnancy too. And, well, we all know how that ended. I'm just trying to remind myself that nothing means anything. And these damn prog. suppositories? They make me freak out because I keep feel something....you know like when your period starts? So, every time I go to the bathroom I am praying there is no blood. I'm 5 days into this and it already feels like a lifetime.

My friend Kelly, over at talking tummies, is driving in tomorrow from Birmingham for a visit! I am so excited that she and her daughter is coming! It's a long drive for her but I couldn't be more excited. I hope she will stay the whole week!

Friday, December 26, 2008

Anybody out there?

Ok, so I post about random, stupid things and get comments. I announce this and I can hear crickets chirping! =) I'm guessing you feel how I would feel if I saw a fellow infertile announce her surprise pregnancy. A little pissed, alot bitter. Ok, alot pissed. But, that's just me. I know it's always hard to hear. I've been there done that for years now. I hope you can dig deep and somehow be a little happy for me. After all, I've lost 4 babies and been through the wringer with fertility treatments.... ugh. And I'm by no means out of the woods yet. If this goes right I'll be due some time in September. That's a LONG way from now. I just need you guys to hold my hand right now. This is a scary time and every passing day means success or failure. There's no way to know.

On a good note, my HCG more than doubled in 48 hours. Today it was 111! And my progesterone rose from 18 to 36. That's a relief too. Looks like I'll be taking twice daily doses of the lovely progesterone suppositories. I'll do whatever it takes. Plus, they aren't nearly as bad as PIO shots! I'll go back for bloodwork in one week to check everything again. It's gonna be a LONG week.

I am in a strange place right now. I'm not the girl who gets pregnant! It's such a mind battle for me to even think about it. I really appreciate you all and am praying for the day that we all hold little ones (or not so little ones, we still want to adopt our 6 year old!) in our arms. However they come to you, they will be the blessing of a lifetime. I'll be your cheerleader 'til the end!

Lab Results

So, I got my blood work from Wednesday back this morning. My HCG is 48, progesterone 18.5, and estradiol 282. It's not the highest number in the world but it's ok. As long as it doubles in today's blood work, I'll feel better. I started taking prog. suppositories on Wednesday night just in case. I'm glad I did! I would hate for that number to fall. It can fall fast and hard and then bleeding commences. Ugh... Let's just pray that I don't see any of that until next year some time! I have NO idea when I ovulated. When I have ovulated in the past it's been around CDs 18-20. Could be earlier, could be later. Who the heck knows?

I swear, this is the craziest thing. I'm not really wound up about anything. I know that it is completely out of my hands. I've been through this enough times to know even when everything looks stellar that the outcome can be bad. And when everything looks terrible, the outcome can be good. There is nothing I can do to make this pregnancy stick around and really not too much I can do to make it end. I can do everything in my power (rest, no caffeine, eat right, obvious things like don't do drugs!!) and that's all I can do. It's in God's hands. I just pray that he will mold this little ball of cells into a beautifully and wonderfully made little human being. I'll update later with today's blood work.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

You will NEVER believe this!!!



Merry Christmas to Me!

So, let me tell you story. As you know, I took this cycle off to regroup after our last miserable failure. Since my period isn't here yet and I haven't been spotting, Keri (my nurse/friend) told me to go ahead and test. I used a regular old test this afternoon and it was negative. Well, I came back a few minutes later (10-15) and saw a positive. But, I figured it was an evap. line since I waited so long. Keri was coming over and told me she would bring me some digital tests that she had. And what do you know?! It said pregnant! Now, you can imagine my surprise! 40 months of trying and 24 months of working with an RE. Now, I seem to have gotten knocked up on my own. Who Knew?!? Do I feel excited? Well, not so much. This is only half the battle. This is my 4th pregnancy so you can imagine that I'm a little gun shy. I'm thankful, more than you know, that I got this far. It's really, really early and I'm not going to breathe a sigh of relief until a baby is born and in my arms. I had a lab slip in my car so Keri wrote orders on it for me and I went to the hospital lab to have blood drawn tonight. Unfortunately the lab won't be open tomorrow so I have to wait until Friday for results. I'll let you know as soon as I get them.

Oh, and get this. I haven't been taking prenatal vitamins and I've had enough Diet Coke to drown a horse. Plus, I was on a plane last week! I feel like that has been my downfall with the last 2 pregnancies. So let's just keep everything crossed that this will all be ok!

This is sooooo nerve wracking! Please say prayers/send good vibes that everything will be ok and this will be the one that makes it! It's been a long, hard road.

Then She Found Me....

Kelly over at Talking Tummies called me last night and told me about this movie that I just HAD to watch. I tell you....she was right. It's called "Then She Found Me". It was on my cable's movies on demand channel. I have never heard of it but if you get the chance to see it, please do! I went from laughing one minute to sobbing the next. For anyone dealing with infertility and/or adoption, it will tug at your heart strings.

Nothing new in my world. Still no sign on AF. Part of me wants to be hopeful that I have a Christmas miracle but then the realistic side kicks in and makes me remember how much it takes for me to even ovulate. Sigh...I may test tomorrow, just to be sure.

We got an email back from our social worker telling us that the little girl we are interested in possibly adopting may not be available. Her photo is out there but something weird is going on with her profile. It's really hard not to get attached to these photos. She loves music and loves to sing. I've already thought about how fun it would be to teach her piano lessons. I HAVE to stop doing this to myself. I want to get my hopes up but I can't. So, we will just wait to hear from her.

I hope you have a Merry Christmas. Let's make the most of it even though we don't have what we want the most. If only Santa could bring us babies!!

Monday, December 22, 2008

We Are Approved!

We got the official word that our home study was approved and we are now licensed to be an adoptive home. And it only took us 4.5 months! I still can't believe we are walking down this road. I'm excited but scared to death at the same time. We need to make a family book to give to the prospective child. We also need to write a letter to the case workers of the children so we can "stand out"! It will be wonderful and I can't wait to be a mommy. I have no idea how long it will take but it seems more certain than popping one out on my own.

Speaking of which, I'm on cycle day 32 and still no sign of my monthly visitor. My cycles vary so I really can't pinpoint when I'll start. I had some spotting on Thursday and thought for sure that it was coming. Nothing since. Arrgghhh.... If I haven't started by CD 36 I'll test. I'm not expecting anything though. Well, other than to start my period and get this party started again. Meds are sitting in my fridge waiting to be injected!

Oh, that reminds me. I spent a good bit of time with my BFF Wendy this week(we've been friends for 19 years). Her mother Debbi and grandmother Big Mimi are convinced that I'm supposed to adopt and then I'll get pregnant. To help me along, Debbi sent me home with a pair of earrings and a necklace charm of Kokopelli. I was instructed to wear them both until I have a baby. Them I'm to send them back to her. Ever heard of Kokopelli? He's a fertility deity in certain Native American/ Aztec groups. He is said to carry unborn children on his back and distribute them to women. (Seriously! Check it out on wikipedia!) If only he existed in real life. RE's would be out of business! ANYWAY! I thought it was very sweet and hey, why not? I'm all for trying anything at this point. Would you wear it?



I finally made it home last night around 11:30. My flight was delayed in Houston for almost 3 hours. I could have driven home in the amount of time I had to wait on the plane to arrive! I was really glad to be home. I love my family but HOLY HELL! They are crazy! Between my sister being manic and mean and my grandmother wanting to off herself anytime someone remotely challenges anything she says, it was quite the eventful week. Plus my nieces and nephew are wild and try to tear each other limb from limb while their mother doesn't even seem to notice. My sister and I couldn't be more different. I like structure and organization. I expect respect from children and am not afraid to discipline them. I found out that time out works wonders even on an 11 year old! My sister just sits on the couch and frowns all day. Depression anyone? I could go on for days but I'll spare you. Let's just suffice it to say that it was an insane week.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Ugh...

It's been a while, huh? I'm in Alabama visiting my family and friends. And I honestly have to say that my friends are much more fun. That's horrible, I know. It's just that my sister is such a difficult person. She's pissed if I'm around her and she's pissed if I'm not. I'll give you more updates later. I'll be home late Sunday night. Is all of this family visiting better than a sharp stick in the eye? Just barely...

P.S. We are waiting, impatiently, for our home study approval. Hopefully we will get word tomorrow and can submit an interest! Cross your fingers!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Home Study is DONE!

Well, most of it's done. Our case worker is interviewing hubs as we speak. I had my individual interview then we had our combined one over dinner. Now they are doing his. I was banished to the office. =) It was not too bad. I feel like I answered the same questions as I did for all the paper work that we submitted. It went by fairly quickly! So, now we wait...again. Once the home study is officially typed up, etc., we can submit an interest of a child. Then we wait....again. Hopefully this process won't take too long. I'd like to have a child before I'm 40!

You know, I actually can't believe how quickly everything has gone by. We were so scared of going through all of this but it hasn't been that bad. I think our case worker made all the difference. She is an awesome person and makes us feel so comfortable. Let's see how difficult it's going to be moving forward. Hopefully it won't be difficult at all! I'm ready for something to happen without a fight!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

It's Snowing!! In Texas!!

(Mandy...this is for you! I know it's not 30 below zero with 10 feet of snow like it is up in Minnesota but it's frikin snowing in Austin! )

So, today we broke a record with our 81 degree high. This cold front blew through about 3 pm and the temp dropped about 20 degrees in an hour. We went to dinner around 7:30 and it was sleeting. I just looked outside and this is what I found! Big puffy snow flakes! I can see it now...people are storming the grocery stores for milk and bread! I'm sure some knucklehead will try to call out from work tomorrow due to the snow!! Ha!!

Here is the forecast: TONIGHT'S AUSTIN AREA WEATHER FORECAST:
Sleet and snow overnight in Austin. Some may stick to grassy areas, but since roadways are still quite warm from Tuesday's 81 degree high temperature, slick roads are not expected. Precipitation will likely end before sunrise.
LOW: 31°

P.S. Oh, notice the snow on the palm tree?

P.P.S or is it P.S.S?? Go ahead... laugh at me! I know it's just a few snow flakes but it's just crazy for it to happen here!! =)







Leah, pull yourself together!

Isn't it "interesting" how dealing with infertility makes us a bunch of bitches? I hear stories of women who have tried and tried to get pregnant! I read a blog the other day that said something like "We tried for 8 long months and FINALLY! We are pregnant!" Or hearing about women who got pregnant on their 3rd cycle of Clomid...and it was such a long, tedious journey, and FINALLY, after all this time, we are FINALLY pregnant! In my bitchy brain I just want to smack them for being so naive. But haven't they gone through struggles as well? Sure, they haven't been through what some of us have. And I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But why do I feel this way about it? Is it jealousy, that they had a relatively easy time getting and staying pregnant? I can't pinpoint it. Do you go through the same emotions as me?

When I got pregnant in May I was following 2 bloggers that got pregnant right after I did. Now they are only a few short weeks away from delivering their babies. Me? I'm gearing up for even MORE treatment and having new reproductive issues pop up at every turn. It just makes me mad! Not at them, but at what I'm dealing with. It just sucks. Plus, I'm getting older! I'll be 36 this summer. That's considered advanced maternal age. What the crap? I just want to kick and scream.

Have you ever read this blog: http://www.tertia.org/so_close/
This woman lives in South Africa and has been through SOOO much. She has a set of IVF twins but she went through hell and back to get them. I think she's been pregnant 7 or 8 times. You'll have to read her back story. You can do so here: http://www.tertia.org/so_close/2008/11/not-exactly-a-s.html
Anyway, she has had late losses, early losses, etc., and been through IVF about 500 times. Well, just before her 40th birthday, she found out that she was pregnant. Surprise! At the moment, she is 15 weeks pregnant and all is well. Now, this woman? I can be happy for!

I guess I just need to realize that my brain and body is just all jacked up! I feel like I need a good smack in the face, a good shake, and for someone to tell me to GET IT TOGETHER!!

Friday, December 5, 2008

Softball!

Here are some pics from the 1st softball game of the season. It's a team from my RE's office and since I'm friends with everyone, they asked me to play. Since I suck at anything sports related, hubs decided he would play instead. He's really good! I realized that in the 5 years I've known him that I've never seen him play sports. I've seen him snow ski, which I find VERY sexy, but never seen anything else. I was quite impressed with him! Anyway, I digress...
It was cold out last night! Well, cold for Texas. It was around 40 degrees when the game started. Notice how everyone is all bundled up! This is a great group of people and I'm blessed to have them in my life!
Here's me and my handsome man!



















Muscle Aches and Heart Pain

Funny that I don't have too much to write about when not consumed with fertility treatments. I have just been trying to keep myself occupied, waiting on the next big thing to happen. I am looking forward to starting school in January. It will definitely keep me occupied. I'm heading to Alabama next Saturday for a week with my family. It will be insane and stressful, but I will be glad to see them. I hope that I don't start my period while I'm there. I'm "supposed" to start the week of Christmas ( I can never really pinpoint the day) and I'll be home on the 21st. We decided that if I start while I'm out of town that we will just begin treatments in January. If I am home when I start, we will begin treatments with this next cycle. Who the heck knows?

Remember me telling you that I was going to get back on the wagon with my weight loss and exercise? Doing pretty well with it. I did a body pump class at the gym on Monday and couldn't walk until Wednesday (quad pain....oh the quad pain!). Then decided to do an aerobics class last night and most likely won't be able to walk until Sunday (calf pain, oh the calf pain!). I'm beginning to think this trying new things is for the birds! I need to work out but I'm in pain so I feel like it gives me an excuse not to. I'm such a wimp! I will continue to work out and press on, but I can't promise I'll stop whining about it any time soon!!

Our social worker rescheduled our home study for this Wednesday night. She will come to my house at 5:00 p.m. and do my individual interview. Hubs will be home by 6:00 p.m. Then she will interview us together and the do his separately. I'm ready to get the ball rolling on this. Once that is complete and submitted (she likes to have them completed within 1 week) we will be able to submit an interest form on the children we have in mind. I came across another girl that we are very interested in. She is 6 years old and is so cute. But, we could be one of 50 families looking at her. I hope not, but we'll just have to wait and see. WAIT WAIT WAIT. (heart pain....oh the heart pain!)

Nothing too exciting happening over the weekend. I'm getting my wig did tomorrow. (An old co-worker friend of mine used to say this when referring to getting her hair styled. It's stuck with me for years now!) I LOVE getting my hair cut/colored. I haven't seen my natural color in years. No idea what color it even is at this point! I think I'm going a little bit darker with the color...you know, warm it up for winter....well, as much of a winter as we get here in central Texas!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Nothing Interesting....

We were supposed to have our home study today but we got a call at 9:00 this morning saying that our social worker was out sick and that we need to reschedule. Crap. So, we are not sure when that will be. Of course, the house was clean, I made lunch ahead of time and had everything in place. I can do it again, but we were really looking forward to the next step.

We had a quiet Thanksgiving weekend. We went to some not so close friend's house on Thursday. It was nice but nothing like friends and family.

I'm back on the horse with my diet and exercise routine. Hubs and I went to a Body Pump class tonight and we basically lifted weights for 1 hour. It was a cool class but my arms, even my fingers, are shaking. I literally had noodle legs coming down the stairs at the gym and almost fell. Nice, huh? I'm trying really really hard to get these last 35 ish pounds off. That still leaves me technically "overweight" but at this point I don't give a damn. I just want to be healthy and I have a number in mind. I'm truly more worried about my insides being healthy. I have a friend who is about 25 pounds overweight and she was telling me that she's so fat that she can't even walk up a flight of stairs without getting winded. I told her that she needs to start worrying more about being fit than being thin. I am a lot bigger than her and have no problems at all walking up stairs. I did a year ago, but since I've been working out on a regular basis it's not biggie anymore. Being thin does not equal being healthy. You know what I mean? Why do we as women get so caught up on what the scale says?

I am heading to Birmingham to see my family in 2 weeks. I'm looking forward to it but it will be very stressful. Ugh...

Nothing else...just wanted to give you a quick update.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

What to do?

Isn't it odd that I am supposed to check for pregnancy tomorrow and I'm almost 5 days into my period? Things are slowly tapering off but holy hell! This has been a heavy period! I have stumped my nurses and my doctor. They don't see this type of thing ever. Go me! Nothing I do is text book. Haven't we figured this out yet? I did talk to my RE this morning. She was sorry that things ended the way they did. I told her that I would not be going on to IVF until we go this bleeding issues sorted out and she agreed. We will do one more Inject/IUI cycle and hopefully make it to test day next time. She wants me to do progesterone in oil injections but I'm not sure they will work. I did those during my IVF cycle and I still spotted a few days early. She also wants me to add estrogen to the mix along with whatever progesterone supplement I will be doing. After ovulation our estrogen levels drop drastically. While this is fine for some women, I'm apparently the "one in 200" who has issues. The idea is to keep the estrogen levels up as well as progesterone. We will do bloodwork 1 week past ovulation to check levels to see where we are. I asked her to do it this time and she said we didn't need to. I'm going to just start telling her what I want done and just do it. aarrrggghhh!! She doesn't want us to go right into another cycle because she is certain that I have cysts. So, we wait for our next cycle and start the fun all over again.

On different news, we have our home study schedule for Monday morning. Our social worker will come to our house for a 4 hour interview. Not the least bit intrusive, eh? She is really nice and we like her a lot. I'm still not sure what we are going to do. I would love to get on the adoption train right away but I just don't know. Hubs and I have a lot to discuss and decisions to make. Doing fertility treatments and going through adoption at the same time is not fun. I'm tired of the unknowns!

So, that's the story of me as of today. Things can change quickly so keep your running shoes close by! Happy Thanksgiving!!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

I need your help

Can anyone tell me why the crap I am bleeding, full flow at 10 days past ovulation? This is clearly not supposed to happen. I always spot 2-3 days before my period comes. I don't feel like this is normal but I'm told that it is. Even during this last inject/IUI cycle I started spotting at 11 dpo. And the doc said that we needed to fix that. After this last IUI I mentioned the spotting again but she didn't feel like it would be an issue. I told her that it's ME we are talking about and that I always go against the norm. She decided that I would do the progesterone vag. suppositories once a day. (I did those during my last cycle too and still spotted too early). So, Friday night I went to the bathroom and had some reddish spotting. Not a ton but it shouldn't be there at all. It continued through the night and decided to do another supp. on Saturday morning. The bleeding tapered off throughout the day but last night it was full on bright red. I did another supp. last night but there was so much going on "down there" that is just slipped right on out. Needless to say I was up all night long to see what was going on. It is getting heavier as I type. I am beyond frustrated. I called the RE office today just to let them know what's going on but they told me unless the doc on call had something for me to do, they wouldn't call me back. Which is understandable. It's not like they can stop the bleeding at this point. I'm guessing that this is a pretty good reason I'm not getting pregnant. All the eggs/embryos in the world won't get me pregnant if my lining decides to take a hike before it's supposed to. This happened during my IVF cycle too. I started spotting early then and I was on progesterone in oil shots everyday.

Has this ever happened to any of you? If so, what did your doctor do about it? I definitely have progesterone issues. I'm convinced that low prog. is what caused my first miscarriage. It just royally pisses me off that this is happening. We know that IVF is our next option but I don't want to move forward until we can figure this out. It's not worth the effort to go through it all and then have the embryos slide right on out. It's like they don't even have a chance. The lining just starts breaking down before anything can implant, assuming that they would even do that.

The hits just keep coming.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

One week to go!

It's amazing how calm I've felt over the last week. Who knows what this next week will bring, but for now, I'm enjoying the relative calm. I have been worried about OHSS (where my ovaries almost explode and my body fills up with fluid) but so far, I've felt fine. There have only been a few times where my abdomen has been tender...like if I press on it. Keri tells me to just not press on it! Good advice! We'll see how next week goes. I feel quite bloated but I'm not so sure it's the ovaries as much as the Hummus/pita chips/cucumber/bell pepper/Texas Pete's hot sauce that I've become addicted to! It's no secret that I love food! But lately this has been the thing I love the most. I take a crunchy pita chip, scoop up some hummus, drown it in hot sauce, top it with a cucumber or bell pepper or both, and stuff it in my face as fast as I can! I literally have to force myself to stop eating it. I clearly have issues! Where was I? Oh yeah, the 2WW. I will go in for blood work next Wednesday. I will probably use the 1 pregnancy test I have in the house that morning. I'm too cheap to start testing early. The outcome will be the same either way. Either I'm pregnant or I'm not.

I haven't had any symptoms to speak of....well, unless you think wanting to sleep all day is one. And actually, my nips have been tingly today. I try not to put too much focus on symptoms because like I said last time, it could mean something or it could mean nothing.

Oh, I registered for school on Monday. New students have to register after everyone else so of course, the class times I wanted were taken. I'll take one class on Tues and Thurs from 1:30 to 4:30 ish (class and lab) and the other one is Mon and Wed nights from 7:30 - 9:00 ish? Not the ideal schedule, but I'm glad to just get in. One little glitch in the program and I'm pushed back a year or more. This is probably another reason I feel more calm. I had soo much going on a few weeks ago. Fertility treatments, continuing education for my insurance license, studying for and taking the math assessment test for school, adoption classes and homework and gathering all of our paperwork for the adoption packet, Whew! No wonder I was stressed!

Speaking of adoption, we are still waiting to hear from our social worker about our home study. She said she had one more slot open for November but I'm wondering if that's gonna happen now. If not, no big deal. We can have it done in December. Plus, it would be nice to know the outcome of this cycle first. More waiting. You would think with all the waiting we do that we would get used to it. That's not the case! I hate it! We've already waited over 3 years for a child and now we just get to wait longer.

One of our local radio stations is playing Christmas music around the clock. It's weird listening to Sleigh Ride when it's 75 degrees outside. To all of you surrounded by snow, I'm sorry! Actually, I will never get used to this heat. We only need coats a few days out of the year. In Austin, it's either holy hell I'm going to catch on fire hot or like it is now. I would gladly trade the 110 degree summer days for snowy winter days! We went to Jackson Hole, WY last December and I loved it. I have never seen so much snow! Think I would tire of it day after day?

Monday, November 17, 2008

Fun times!

We went back to Sea World this weekend with our bestest buddies Keri and Dean! Their little peanut went too. He's sooo cute! I talk about him all the time, but seriously, he's the best baby I've ever seen! It was a new experience for Dean and Peanut so it was fun watching them! Here's the little guy!


The highlights of our day were feeding the dolphins...


Getting splashed by the baby dolphins in the pool... (notice salt water on camera lens!)
Feeding the sea lions (they are loud and barky!!!)...


Spending time with my awesome buddy who looks more like me than my own sister...


Having fun and spending the day with hubs....
But most of all, spending the day with the people I love!!

Friday, November 14, 2008

Random Ramblings

I used to work with this lady and her daughter. She had a birthday party tonight (22nd) and invited me to come. I was so excited to see them because I haven't seen them in forever! I got to their gorgeous house and we were catching up. Well, Nicole, the one I used to work with, said, "By the way, David is going to be here." What does that mean? Well, let me catch you up. I took a job in August 2007 working as an office manager at an insurance company and David was my boss. Things were great for several months and I even got a great review and a raise. Then David lost his mind. His best friend owned an insurance office in Oklahoma (same company, different branch) and his friends wife (we'll call her H) was his office manager. Well, David started having an affair with H and moved her to Austin from OK. Nicole worked in the office as a recruiter and David fired her so H could have her job. She also knew how to do my job and it paid more than the recruiting job. See where this is going? I knew it was just a matter of time before I was out the door. And sure enough, on January 2 David called me into his office and said that he just couldn't afford me anymore and that he had to let me go. He promised a measly severance package and owed me back wages of around $1800. I asked him for everything is writing and he refused. So, I emailed him asking again if he would put it in writing and when I should expect the back wages owed to me. He responded and said that he never promised me anything and that he didn't know what I was talking about. LONG story that I won't bore you with, but he told lies to home office and they wanted to deny my unemployment. It was a ton of drama, took me months to get it all sorted out, etc. I did get all money owed but it wasn't easy. SOOOO, all of that to say, when I heard that David was going to be there I told Nicole that I was leaving. I am quite mouthy and am not afraid to start a fight. I just didn't want to ruin her birthday by getting into with this man. I was just sick to my stomach about it. They convinced me to just stay until he got there. So, about an hour later he and H show up. I immediately grabbed my stuff and left. I walked past him, not saying a word, and he just stared at me. It was miserable! He ruined my fun evening and I don't think that is the least bit fair. Hmmpphh!!

On a different note, we finished our adoption classes and are waiting to have our home study completed. It's basically 4 hours of questioning. Sounds fun, huh? The girl that we have been interested in on the available children website is no longer there. We don't know if she's been adopted or what's going on. We are both very disappointed. What can I do? Nothing, that's what. I really hope I get pregnant with the result being a live baby. I know that adopting and having a bio. child at the same time is frowned upon. Maybe this will work out and we can come back to adoption later. ????? Once again...Hmmppphhh!!

I've noticed that all of my blogs are about the same thing, over and over. I really want to tell you different stories. Maybe I'll start with the story of me. To start...

I grew up in Birmingham, AL and lived there until I was 30. I had about 10 million friends and life was a blast! But, I got a promotion with my job and moved to Jackson, MS in September 2003. That's where I met my hubs. He had moved to Jackson from Princeton, NJ for a job. I found him on match. com, sent him a wink by mistake!!! and he responded. I asked him out first and our first date was to the rodeo. The restaurant we wanted to eat at for our first date was closed so we went for cheap Chinese. It was an awesome date and as they say, the rest is history! We got engaged 10 months later and married 3 months after that in Ocho Rios, Jamaica. It was beautiful and it was just the 2 of us. To appease our families, we had a wedding once we got back to Jackson. It was nice and we had a great time, but I say destination weddings are the way to go! Much less stressful. Five months after we married, Hubs got a job offer in Austin and we moved a few weeks later. We've travelled a ton and have a lot of fun. But infertility is not fun and it has been at the forefront of our lives for over 3 years now. So, there ya go. A little about me.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Yikes!

I went in for my 2nd IUI yesterday and we did an ultrasound to see what I ovulated. As of 9:30 yesterday morning, I had not ovulated yet. I had 11, yes I said eleven, mature follicles yesterday! WTF?!? I started getting really nervous about ovulating all 11 and then I got really nervous that I wouldn't ovulate at all and then I got really nervous that I would get pregnant with too many and then I got really nervous that I wouldn't get pregnant at all and then....you see my point? My estradiol level as of Monday was 2569 (sorry Bella...=( ). That's the highest it's ever been. I maxed out last cycle at 1042. But i may have already told you that...I can't remember. SO, Doc said if I wanted to come back in today for another ultrasound that she would like to see what's going on. As of noon today I had ovulated 6 eggs. Holy cow!! or chicken! She was a little worried but we just decided that we would deal with things as they come. And then I started getting really nervous.....wash, rinse, repeat. I only had 5 eggies during my IVF cycle. Not sure why this cycle took off like it did but I'm ok with that. This will be our last Inject/IUI cycle before moving on to IVF. I really hope it works. IVF sucks great big donkey balls! I will test that Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Let's hope it goes by quickly. If at least one of these bad boys doesn't fertilize/implant/come into the world in 9 months I want a refund on my girl parts!! Anybody know the return address for jacked up lady parts?

EDITED TO ADD: Did you see this?

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20240095,00.html

I don't know about you, but this just makes me angry. Not necessarily at the he/she but I guess more at the universe/God. This he/she had taken tons of hormones to transistion into a man, grew a beard, etc., but was still able to conceive, and give birth to a healthy baby. Now he/she's pregnant again! Here we are, taking tons of hormones for women, since we are women, to have a baby and we can't!??! I have nothing against her/him. That's not the issue. It's just, well, I don't know! I'm just really peeved about this whole situation. What do you think?

Monday, November 10, 2008

Let the "what ifs" begin

I can't believe that this cycle is almost over. I have done 8 days of Follistim and we are ready for Ovidrel (to make me ovulate). I went in this morning for my final scan and for the first time ever, I was terrified of what I saw. Let me just give you the run down: Right - 22, 19, 17.5, 17, 17, 16, 16, 15, 15, 12 and the Left - 21, 17, 14 (and a few smaller ones). 3 are already mature and most likely 5 more will be by Wednesday. Did you catch that? That equals 8!!! Holy crapola! Dr. Wonderful was excited by the response. I didn't even respond this well during my IVF cycle. But she was also not wanting me to have a litter. She asked me if we were ok with moving forward with the cycle. I told her yes. Especially with our history of miscarriage. Even if all 8 fertilize and implant (gulp!!) who knows if they will make it. See the what if's forming? So, I'll trigger tonight and we will have back to back IUI's tomorrow and Wednesday. Dr. W. will do another ultrasound on Wednesday to see what released. My estrogen levels have been so high this time around that we are also worried about OHSS. If I gain weight rapidly (heck, I do that while NOT on fertility drugs), have trouble breathing, have pain, etc, etc, I need to call Dr. W asap.

Now to elaborate on the what ifs. What if I actually get pregnant again? What will happen? Will I actually end up with a live baby? If I stay pregnant will I drive my self insane with worry? What if I get pregnant with high order multiples? What if all 3,4,5,6,7,8 fertilize and implant? Multiples = pre-maturity. How could I ever live with myself if they were born to early and had major issues for the rest of their lives? All because I pushed and pushed to have just one baby! Would I reduce if there were that many? How can I live with myself if I reduce? How do I wipe out a beating heart(s) that I've wanted more desperately than anything in the world? What if I don't get pregnant this time around? Then what? What if we have one more shot and that's it? What if I have to just give up on this dream?

All I can do is hope for the best and pray that I do get pregnant with no more than 2. If I do, we will just cross that bridge if we get to it. I know you can all feel my excitement and terror! My HCG test will be November 26. It will be a long 2 weeks.

We have 2 more adoption classes to take on Wednesday and Thursday nights. Then we submit our paperwork and schedule a homestudy. I guess after that we will be good to go...assuming that we are approved! Not sure what we will do once we are. I guess that depends on if I'm knocked up or not. I'll let you know what the ultrasound on Wednesday looks like. I know I'm jumping the gun on this, really I do. But these things keep making the rounds in my brain. You know what I'm talking about! Don't judge!!!

XOXO

Saturday, November 8, 2008

I'm exhausted!

What a fun day I've had! Well, minus the pre-dawn run downtown to the lab at the hospital. I left my house at 6 a.m. Luckily, after a small amount of drama, they were able to actually get blood this time. I was there for an hour but other than that, no complaints. Long story about trying to find the best sticker....yadda, yadda, yadda... Then I had my 2nd follicle check at 8:45 a.m. I'm apparently an over achiever this go around. I have on the right...14, 14, 13, 12, 12,11, 11 and the left...12, 12, 12, 11 and my estradiol is 1069. At this point last cycle my estradiol was only 542. Yikes! So, they took my meds from 200 units down to 100 for the next 2 days. I go back for a recheck on Monday. Most likely will trigger Monday night and do IUI's on Tuesday and Wednesday. Fun times, folks....fun times. I'm already looking forward to the pain after my trigger shot. Anyone else experience this? Where your ovaries just HURT and feel like they might explode? What helps?

So, back to the fun day. I had a big group of friends over this afternoon for a cook out. We all played softball and they came back to my house for food. It was a ton of fun. We played cards and the boys and Kellye watched football. It's 11:00 and we just wrapped up. I love having them over! We were without friends here for so long that it's just awesome to have a house full of people!! Plus I got to spend some time with Keri's sweet baby boy! He's 8 months old and the happiest baby I have EVER seen. I just love being around him. It's good to get a baby fix. =)

This week should be busy. I'm taking my math placement test this week so wish me luck! And we have adoption classes on Wednesday and Thursday nights. Plus RE appointments and finishing up my continuing education classes for my insurance license. Oh, and i have to register for school. Who has time to get a job?!??!?

I'll keep you posted on my RE visit on Monday. I really want this to work. Really...really....really!!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

For the love of my life...

Who puts up with my love of all things doggie! I often realize this is how you feel!



Thanks for loving me....and realizing that sometimes, I actually DO love the dogs more than you!!

XOXO

I slept! I slept!!

I actually got 7 WHOLE HOURS of sleep last night....in a row! I couldn't tell you the last time that happened. I am so excited about our dog door! Molly can't get through it anymore...she's too fat and arthritic. But the other two are in and out all day...and night. Leaving me the heck alone! Woo Hoo!!

This is me after a few days on Follistim, no sleep and head pounding from my crazy hormones!






I had another traumatic time at the lab today. I have been taking my shots for 3 days now. So, it was time for my first bloodwork and ultrasound. Well...suffice it to say that no blood was taken from my body today. Not for lack of trying...I can guaran-damn-tee that. Three different people stuck me a total of 4 times. When I heard one girl say, "Hmmmm....looks like we blew that vein out", I knew it wasn't good. I have a huge bruise and it hurts like a mo fo! Dr. Wonderful said not to worry about it. She knows how hard blood draws are for me. I HAVE to have it done on Saturday to get my correct dosage of follistim, but for know it's all ok. That reminds me, I need to order more meds! My ovaries are functioning nicely and I have 4 good follicles one the left and 3 on the right.


I talked to my father-in -law yesterday and told him how much I missed him. He said he missed me too and actually offered to buy us plane tickets to visit them for Thanksgiving. I really would love that but I told him that if I'm pregnant (yeah right) that I don't want to fly. I talked to hubs about it and told him that we could scrap this cycle and just go for a visit. Now, you know I've come a long way if I'm willing to stop a cycle! We decided not to travel now but it's amazing that I would even consider it. I used to be so right on top of things and ready to go month after month. Now? Not so much... It's amazing how much we change when we go through so much time and time again.


So, hubs has to have a colonoscopy tomorrow. I swear that you would think he was having his leg amputated! He's so anxious about it! We all know how men can be such babies! He's no exception! He's on a liquid diet today and has to take all of this medicine tonight to cause explosive diarrhea. TMI, I know! I kinda want to laugh about it, but that's not too nice, huh? Oh, and he's also whining about having to have an IV done. We all know what I've been through with surgery, blood draws, IV's , shots, right? So, he gets absolutely NO sympathy from me on that one. (I love you honey!) Fun times? You betcha!


There is this great webite called upsidedowndogs.com. You should check it out! Hilarious! Here is my very own version of Patches, the upsidedown dog!

Friday, October 31, 2008

Is Halloween really that Happy?

Here I sit, on the computer, jumping up every time the doorbell rings. There are the cutest kids and babies all over the place. I love seeing them, I do. But we should be out there taking our kids to gather 100 pounds of candy. We should be the ones having fun with our little ones and picking out costumes. Why does everything have to be hindered by f-ing infertility? I hate it more and more every day. I hate how it reminds us of what we don't have...and that no amount of money, begging, pleading and fit throwing will change that. Hubs has to work tonight. He was with me today and I loved it. But when he left for work about 1/2 an hour ago it just sucked. I am alone a good bit of the time, and I'm fairly used to it now. But tonight? Not so much. **sigh**

I went to my RE today for a re-check. The cysts are gone and I no longer have to take birth control pills. She said I should have a period in a day or two. What?!? I just had one 2 weeks ago! I will begin Follistim again on Sunday night and go for bloodwork and ultrasound on Wednesday. Woo freakin hoo.... I have completely lost all excitement for fertility treatments. I know that if this cycle doesn't work that she will want us to move on to IVF #2. I look even less forward to that.

We have almost completed our adoption paper work. Hubs got his fingerprints...I will get mine this week. We just have a few more pages to fill out and misc. forms to gather. Then we finish our remaining 2 classes next week and will be ready for a home study. We emailed our social worker on Monday for information on a little girl that we are interested in. I called today since I haven't heard from her. She basically said that it takes a while to get any info from the regional case workers and that what they do give is very little. Until we have our home study done, we are kinda stuck. Hubs said today that he wanted to get the home study done asap, because he would rather get the girl sooner than later. GULP!! That's awesome! But I can't get excited. What if she's adopted before we get to her? Or what if her social workers think we aren't a good fit? So, we wait...again.

On slightly less depressing news, we went to a Ho.me De.pot today that is closing. Everything was 50% off the regular price. We actually found a storm door with a dog door already in it for $74!! We looked at one before and it was closer to $350! So we got a deal! Now we just have to figure out how to install it. Woo Hoo!! Well, that and actually get the dogs to use it. I know Molly will...she's used one before. And I think Patches won't have an issue either. Lucy? I'm not so sure. She's so scared of everything that she might not be able to bring herself to walk through. I'll let you know.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Dog Door and Ambien...

For once, in weeks and weeks, the dogs didn't wake me up last night. Usually they have me up at least twice a night. I swear it's like having a baby but much less fun. I don't ever feel rested and I am always tired. Well, at 4 am my eyes popped open I haven't been able to go back to sleep. This is so frustrating. It makes me want to cry. It's amazing how not sleeping night after night can really get to you. I've been taking Tylenol PM from time to time but that puts me in such a fog that it takes me hours to wake up. I've also really cut way back on caffeine, especially in the evenings. But I feel like I need it to get through the day. See the irony? Anybody out there take Ambien? I'm thinking of calling my PCP Nurse today and begging her for a prescription. I have heard that it's not habit forming...anyone know for sure? I just can not take this any more. I used to have a dog door (when I only had one dog) and it was a life saver. I think this may have to happen sooner than later, much to my husband's dismay. One more thing for him to fuss about!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Boring...

Nothing to report. I'm pretty bored. Trying to muster up the energy to go to the gym. I don't know about you, but I absolutely HATE working out. I do it because I need to and it's a health thing. People keep telling me that I will learn to love it. Yeah, right. Not in this lifetime!

I also need to buy Halloween candy. Is it too early for that? I should probably wait until Friday afternoon to buy it. The problem is, I don't buy the crappy stuff. I buy the good stuff! And I LOVE the good stuff. So, it's going to be a bit of a challenge to not eat it all before Friday. Anyone else out there psycho over chocolate?

Looks like I will officially be starting classes in January. I'm looking forward to that. I would like to at least get a part time job but that's not happening either. I'll see if the school has anything for me once I start classes.

We will complete our adoption classes in about 2 weeks. Hubs finished his paperwork this weekend. He let me read it and it almost made me cry. He said some very sweet things about me. I really love that man! We have found a little girl that we are both thinking about non stop. I think I told you that there is a website with photos of waiting children. We have been looking at her profile and finally asked our social worker if she could give us any info. She said she will so we are just waiting to hear back from her. I am trying not to get too attached to the idea of her. There could be 10 other couples looking at her too. This is the hard part. But, just like with everything else, we wait.

I got back for a scan on Friday to see if the cysts have gone away. If so, we can start stims again right away. If not, I guess we continue waiting. I'll let you know either way.

So, here is a random story. As you know, we have 3 big dogs. We decided to have the house and yard treated for fleas. (No, we don't have fleas, but we want to keep it that way! =) ) So, the company schedules an appointment for Thursday. They said that I would need to gone for 3 hours after the treatment and that the dogs had to be gone as well. I was like, what? What am I supposed to do with 3 dogs for 3 hours? One of which is old and can barely walk? I literally gave myself a headache thinking about it. Then the clouds parted and the sun shone through! Why not have the yard and house treated on different days? Can you believe it took me 2 days to come up with that one? I swear, my brain is turning to mush.

Friday, October 24, 2008

AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

My brain feels like it's stuck in a tornado! I'm trying to get everything ready to begin classes in January. I need a few pre-requisites before I can apply to the nursing program. Normal...I get that. But check this out! Before I can even take my physiology class, I have to have passed Human Anatomy (which I've already done) and then pass a physiology assessment test! I've never heard of such a thing. If you've never taken physiology how can you pass a test on it? I also have to take a math assessment test to tell me what math class I need to take. This is not that abnormal to me. But a test for physiology? Ugh!! I would prefer to NOT take any type of remedial class because that is a total waste of time. So now I have to study and get ready to take these tests just so I can take a class. And it's $29 for every test you take. I'm waaay too old for this!!

Since we are kinda standing still on the adoption front, I thought that I would volunteer with foster kids. There is a program called CASA (court appointed special advocate) that I am very interested in. I would basically be the go to person for a specific child. I would go to court with them and just be there for whatever comes up. The time requirement is around 15 hours a month and you get lots of one on one time with the child. Well, I spoke with the volunteer coordinator and she asked me about our plans for adoption. Turns out that you can't be a CASA volunteer if you are planning to adopt a child in my county. We might adopt from another county, but we just don't know. It is considered a conflict of interest to do CASA work and adopt from the same county. I totally understand. They don't want you getting attached to a child through CASA and then leave to adopt your own. And they don't want any red tape if you adopt a child and are already working with CASA. All of that to say..I can't do it now. I'm a little sad about it but what can I do? Frustrating!!!!

And I'm still waiting to see when we can start another cycle. I thought that by this point in my life I would have everything together. Not trying to have a baby and going back to school. I feel like I'm stuck in my high school years again! Well, minus the trying to have a baby part!

Needless to say, I feel like my head is going to explode! One day at a time, I know. I've got lots of studying to do. Wish me luck!!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

A Life On Hold

It's amazing how little I have to talk about if not talking about my ovaries and vagina. This waiting phase is boring...and I feel like I'm wasting precious time. It's necessary, I know. But I'm tired of waiting! I know you understand.

As you know, I've had a really hard time finding a job. I've been a "homemaker" for over 9 months now and I see no end in sight. So, I have decided to go back to school. Yes, I know...35 year old in a class of 18 year olds. I'll seem like their grandmother! I wasn't able to finish my undergrad due to the fact that I was POOR! But, I kept getting great jobs and never went back. I realize that I should have finished and that I might not ever find a job if I don't! So, I have decided to become a nurse. There is always a need and no matter where I live, I will be able to find a job. I will have a few pre-requisite classes to take, but I hope to get into the nursing program next fall. I have applied and am getting all of my transcripts together so we'll see how that goes. Please send good vibes my way! My goal is to start classes in January.

I realized that I have spent the last 3+ years holding off on things that I want to do. I keep thinking..well, what if I'm pregnant? What if we have a baby? I realized that I can't keep putting my life on hold waiting to have a baby. I've wasted so much time. If I get pregnant during all of this, wonderful! But I will deal with it if and when the time comes. Plus, it's nice to focus on something else.

I finally went back to the gym on Monday. On Tuesday I could barely lift my arms. I went to the doctor for a TB test and Tetanus shot yesterday and even the stethoscope on my chest was painful. That'll teach me not to work out for 2 weeks. I'm going again today to work on legs. If I don't post for a few days it might be because I can't walk to the computer!

Monday, October 20, 2008

Fun with Pictures!

I thought I would give you a few glimpses into my world! If you haven't heard, we have been experiencing quite the drought here in Austin. I have only seen one day's worth of rain since May. Believe it or not, the lack of rain and abundance of sunshine is very depressing. I am ready for cooler weather!


Here is what our back yard looks like with no rain. We kept the front watered but the back was futile.



Here is what the sky looks like on a regular basis. This is usually as close as it gets to raining. Just big dark clouds and not a drop of water!


I found some crazy before weight loss photos and I almost died. I can't believe how HUGE I was. I still have a ways to go, but holy crap!! Check this out!

This was on a cruise in May 2006. One is of me and hubs and one with me and a guy that looked like George Carlin.



And this was made on Friday night.



And for a cute, cute, cute Halloween picture! (She's the only dog I have that will let me take photos of her!)






And, one of us feeding Lorikeets at Sea World.



Sunday, October 19, 2008

TTC + BCP = HUH?

So, looks like I'll be taking birth control pills for a few weeks. Why, you may ask? I have cysts on both ovaries. I went in for my day 3 scan to start stims but we got a nice surprise. I'm lucky that it's never happened before. After all, I'm asking my ovaries to do 500 times the work they are supposed to. I'm surprised they haven't exploded by now! It's not painful...but we want to keep it that way. I'll take BCP's for 2 weeks to try and shrink the cysts and go back on October 31 for a recheck. Not sure what will happen then.

On a more fun note, we went to Sea World today. I'll post pictures tomorrow. The weather was beautiful and it wasn't crowded. FUN FUN!!

Friday, October 17, 2008

Are you FREAKING kidding me?

So, they wanted a girl but had 2 boys instead. She wanted her 2nd baby to die when she found out it wasn't a girl. Then this crazy therapist tells her she's justified in how she's feeling...and she's helping them "mourn the loss of the daughter they never had". I'm not really sure I need to say much more...I think the top of my head my blow off! I'm pretty sure this is the most unbelievable story I've ever heard. Freakin morons!!!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27197571/

Please read and feel free to share your thoughts!!

Back in the stirrups again (AKA this cycle was a bust)

It's official...I'm not pregnant. I decided not to waste my one pregnancy test...especially since I was bleeding. I went in and had blood drawn this morning. It's just as well...especially with the bleeding. I would rather not be pregnant and bleeding than the other way around. Keri asked me yesterday if I was still going to get my blood drawn on Friday. I said of course I was! It would be my luck that I didn't test, assume I wasn't pregnant, then it would be an ectopic, my tubes would explode and I would die! A little dramatic, I know. But, I don't have the best track record in the world! I go in tomorrow for my base line ultrasound and start meds again on Sunday. I'm trying to gear up for everything. The next 2 weeks will fly by with appointments and meds and blood draws and ultrasounds. Then the next 2 will drag by...making creaking noises as it goes. How much more??? I wish we could have an end in sight. But, for now, we are doing our 5th Inject/IUI cycle and are hoping it works. If not? We'll have to decide when the time comes.

I talked to my friend Tanya today. She is the one who miscarried twice in the past 3 months. She had blood work done to see if they could figure out what's going on with her. She is in that learning phase...one that I remember well. It's a painful thing to go through...learning about infertility. I guess it's good and bad that I've pretty much been there done that. I swear I could do my RE's job sometimes! =) It's amazing how deep we dig and how much we learn going through all of this crap. She will probably go for her first RE appointment next month. I don't want them to find anything but I want them to find something to fix! Don't we all want that? Ugh...

Kelly went in for her HSG today. I haven't heard back from her yet. Hopefully it wasn't painful and it went well. I hate how close to home infertility is hitting.

Hopefully the hubs and I can do something fun this weekend. We have been trying to get to San Antonio to go to Sea World forever now. We have season passes but haven't been able to use them yet. It's been so hot that it wasn't an option...then we didn't have the time. But now the weather is nice and we are itching to go! It's alot of fun! By the way, if you've never been to San Antonio, you should go at least once. The River Walk is really cool and nothing like I expected. It's much better. Plus there is the Alamo, the Market, Six Flags, Sea World...it's really great!

I hope all is well with you. I thought about you on National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It saddens me to know how many losses all of us have suffered. We think about what it would be like if only it had not happened. I would have a 2 1/2 year old daughter now. It blows my mind to think about that. I'm sorry for all that you have been through...some miscarriages..some 2nd trimester and full term stillbirths...some born alive and lost way too soon. I hope this next year is full of successes for you and that you have babies wearing you out this time next year. I'm so glad I have you as a community...and that we can help each other through these times.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Still Spotting

Looks like I'm gearing up for yet another inject/IUI cycle. Joy to the world! The spotting slacked off yesterday but it's getting heavier as the day goes on. I'm pretty sure this cycle is a bust. So, I'll be back in the stirrups again next week. It's interesting that on my last medicated cycle I ovulated 3 eggs and all fertilized. I most likely had at least 3 this time too and it looks like none of them did this time. Our bodies are so weird. It is so hard to try and decide what to do next, you know? I mean, even if we had all the money in the world, I don't know that I could just keep going and going and going. I know there are people out there that have done IVF 7, 8, 9 times. I just don't know that I have it in me. I guess I don't have to worry about it since I don't have about $100,000 sitting around. How does anyone have that kind of money?

On the adoption front....we are still wading through the paperwork. We've had some deep conversations about it lately. We aren't exactly on the same page with everything...so I'm not sure what is going to happen. Everything feels like it's in limbo right now.

I'll let you know what's going on Friday. I will do a HPT and then go for blood work. It can't get here soon enough. All we infertiles seem to do is wait!

( I just mistyped "infertile" and it came out "Infertilite". Maybe that's what we should start calling ourselves!)

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Spotting...

I am 11 days past ovulation and started spotting this morning. It could be my period coming or it could be a fluke thing. I feel inclined to go with the period theory. That doesn't explain why I've been feeling nauseous but I don't have the energy to focus on that. So, we wait until Friday to know for sure. If I'm not pregnant we have to figure out pretty quickly if we are going right into another cycle. Or if it's best to go to with IVF again. I was such a weenie with my first IVF that the thoughts of doing it again just make me miserable. It's not an easy thing to deal with, as many of you know. Too many shots!! Stupid Lupron headaches! Plus blood work and having a needle shoved through your vagina into your ovaries to snatch out your eggs. Sounds more fun that Disney, huh? Actually, Disney would be MUCH cheaper and a heck of alot more fun!
I'm really not terribly upset at the thought of this cycle not working. I will be disappointed, of course, but not devastated. I've been here too many times to let my emotions get the best of me yet again. I'll keep you posted.

Monday, October 13, 2008

To PGD or not to PGD...

Let me ask you a question. What do you think of PGD (pre-genetic diagnosis)? I know there are many good things about it, like finding out if your child will have some horrible disease. But you can also determine the gender of your future children before they are put in the womb. I was reading a blog earlier and this couple did IVF/PGD. They found that one embryo had Downs Syndrome and some other ones had other various issues. The 3 they put back in were healthy and there were 2 girls and a boy. Is it just me or does this make anyone else feel weird? I mean, we are already playing God by forcing our bodies to do things they clearly don't want to do. Then we take an embryo and pluck out a cell? What if that cell was meant for something important...like the top of the head? I know we all want our children to be healthy, but is it really fair to say who goes back in and who doesn't?

My neighbor is 20+ weeks pregnant and they had their big ultrasound today. They found some issue with the baby's intestines that is a marker for Downs Syndrome...echogenic bowel. Of course she is upset at the thought of her child going through life with a disability. But she turned down the amnio because it didn't matter. She will love this child if it's born "normal" or not.

I really just don't know how I feel about it. I would greatly appreciate your input. My RE gave me the option of doing IVF/PGD but even she doesn't recommend it/like it.

2 WW and Adoption Update

Hello everyone! How ya doin? We had some major computer problems this weekend so I'm sorry I haven't updated in a few days. We actually got a new computer out of the deal. And it's FAST!! I'm loving it!

I had a fun weekend. My friend Keri and I had a girls day all day Saturday! A girls day plus her baby! He was the best baby all day long. He didn't make a sound other than to laugh! My dogs were rough housing and he just cackled laughing. The sweetest sound ever. We both talked about how we felt so carefree! It was great.

We had our first home walk through this morning with our social worker. She wanted to make sure that we didn't have any guns or knives lying around, etc. I was talking to her about my struggles and she told me that she understood..she's been there too. She is pregnant for the 3rd time with no baby. She was actually going to her first ultra sound appointment today. This is the farthest she has ever progressed so she is nervous. Unfortunately, I completely understand.

I've been thinking alot about adoption and what it would be like to be a parent. The thought of bringing a child into your life and home is a bit daunting! I'm sure it feels the same way when you give birth. It's just that these kids we are looking to adopt have been through so much already. They have been abused and/or neglected and have such trust issues. Heck! Who wouldn't? I don't worry that I wouldn't love the child enough, I worry more about being the kind of parent that she will need. And that Heath and I won't be able to get it together to give her what she needs. Ugh... We have alot to discuss before our home study is done. And what if I get pregnant? Will it progress and equal a baby? If it does, what happens to our adoption plans? If it doesn't what happens to our adoption plans? If I'm not pregnant, what's our next step? Do we pursue more treatments? What kind? More injectibles? IVF, again? If we do another IVF cycle, that will wipe out our insurance benefits. I'm not complaining! (See last post). We have no options without insurance. Do I use the rest of our benefits on injectible/IUI's? What would you do?

I just wish I had a stopping point in sight. I need a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm getting too old for this!

I am 10 days into my 2 WW. I have had a few "symptoms"...but you know as well as I do that it could mean something..or it could mean nothing. I've been nauseous a few times and my nipples have been doing weird tingly things. TMI? Ha! It's only going to get worse! I'm also taking/inserting those bastardly progesterone vaginal suppositories. ( I don't want to say that I'm taking them, because, well, hello!!) It's better than those bastardly shots in the butt! More like goop and itchiness in the butt crack! You know what I'm talking about!! If I get pregnant I will have to take them for weeks and weeks. I have progesterone issues. Big surprise! My list of reproductive issues is growing by leaps and bounds!! My girly bits are definitely NOT earning their keep! I have decided not to test early. Kelly can't believe that I can actually wait that long to test! I just don't want to waste the money and I don't want to go through that emotional BS that comes with testing. I have one digital test that was free with my OPK's a few months ago. So, I'm waiting to use that. I test Friday. Wish me luck!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Hmmmm.....

What a busy week I've had! The adoption classes went well. We took the first 2 this week and will take the next 2 in November. We learned alot about how these children have issues bonding and trusting. It's all very sad...but there is such a need out there. Especially for these older children. We know a couple that adopted a 10 year old girl from the same agency we are using. I saw them today and asked if it would be ok to talk to their daughter about her experience. They said absolutely! We are going to try set up a date to get together. I told the girl that we were trying to adopt a little girl about her age and her whole face just lit up! Talk about a great resource to have. These kids are smart! Kids that age have great insight and we can learn tons from them! I'm excited! Oh, and I decided not to have a my TB test done this week. I've been told it's safe to get it done during pregnancy (still not sure if I am) but with my history, I don't want to take any chances. Anyone out there know for sure?

I have survived the first week of my 2 week wait. I know it's too early for symptoms so I'm not looking for any. I had been working out pretty hard about 5-6 times a week. I decided to stop everything until I know for sure if I'm knocked up. I'm also trying to maintain my weight. Not an easy task! I think that's harder than losing it! I am still walking my dogs every day so at least I am getting some movement in!! My girls are having some great success in the weight loss arena! I'm so proud of them! Sweet Keri apologized today for losing a significant amount of weight this week. I said, "Don't ever apologize!! You earned every single pound! I'm happy for you!!" You go girl!!

I had another job interview today. It seems like a great job but we'll just have to wait and see. It's a tough market out there!

I read several blogs of women who got pregnant after I did this last time. They are now in their 20th weeks of pregnancy and have just found out the genders. I keep thinking about how far along I would have been with my twins...if only I hadn't lost them. Those reminders really suck. Hopefully I"ll have a new due date in mind before too long! Maybe it's the time of year I was getting pregnant. First time in August, 2nd time in May, 3rd time in May. ??? Is there something about the summertime? Ugh...who knows.

Remember my friend Kelly in Alabama...who has lost 4 pregnancies? Well, she had her first RE appointment yesterday. She was really excited and relieved that someone was going to help her. They took a few gallons of blood from her and her husband and will do all kinds of tests. He wants them to take a break until all of this bloodwork comes back. Then they will figure out a course of treatment. She's going to have an HSG done as well. I've had 2 and they aren't bad. The 2nd one caused some cramping but I've had worse period cramps. SO! Let's all wish them well!!

Let me give a shout out to all of you folks who are going through fertility treatments. Regardless if you just started or if you are a pro already! In an ideal world everyone would have insurance to pay for their treatments and no one would have lifetime maximums! I know many of you are trying to figure out how you are going to afford it. Especially IVF. Apparently, at my clinic, one injectable cycle/IUI runs around $2500. I don't even think that covers medication. So, roughly $3,000 a month? I don't know about you, but I don't have that kind of money lying around! We are a few of the fortunate couples who has awesome insurance coverage through the hub's job. Please let me assure you, we DO NOT take this for granted. We talked the other day about what we would do if we didn't have insurance. We decided there wouldn't be much we could do...especially if we want to retire one day. So, please know that I think about you folks paying out of pocket...and for those of you who can't afford to. I think it's a shame that fertility treatments aren't covered. They will pay for abortions and sterilization surgery but not for helping you have a baby. I could go on for days...but I will spare you. I wish I had enough money to pay for you all...if I could only win the lottery!

I hope you have a smashing week and that all of your lady parts earn their keep!!

Smooch!!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Where's the good news?

I just got an email from my friend Tanya in Alabama (that's where I'm from). She found out a few weeks ago that she was pregnant. (This was her 2nd pregnancy...she miscarried about 2 months ago. ) They found out today, on their 2nd wedding anniversary no less, that she has lost baby #2. I'm so sick of bad things happening to people! Please keep her and her husband Jason in your prayers/thoughts.

Uncertainty

Isn't it amazing how little certainty we have in life? Some things are always certain...death and taxes, right? But others? Not so much... In our quest to have a child, some of us may never get pregnant, some of us may get pregnant numerous times and have numerous miscarriages...some of us may carry a child to near term just to be blindsided with a stillborn baby. Just because we get pregnant does not mean that we will have a healthy baby at the end. I read many blogs that are just so sad. My friend Kellye asks me all the time, "Leah, how can you read those blogs? It's just too sad!". And I agree...it is too sad. No one should have to go through what some of you go through. But I can't stop...I need to read to give my support to their grief. A grief that I can't possibly understand...and hope none of us ever have to. I wish that pregnancy could be a happy time for us. I'm not sure why we got hand picked to go through so much crap...but I guess it's our burden to bear.

We went to the first of 4 adoption classes last night. I really dreaded going...especially after my meltdown at the picnic last week. It was actually really great to get more information. I am looking forward to the remaining classes. We watched a video and in the beginning it talked about physical abuse. It showed pictures of children's legs and back sides that were just covered in huge bruises and cuts. I can't imagine the beating it took to put those bruises on a little body. How can anyone do that to a child? It absolutely disgusts me. These children will have to deal with that for the rest of their lives. I just want to be able to give a child a safe haven to live in. I want them to know that we will always take care of them and will never abuse them. It just makes me sick to my stomach.

In reading blogs I have noticed a trend with us infertile folks. When a friend/family member announces their pregnancy the first response often seems to be an emotional meltdown...and deep jealousy...and sadness. How dare they get so easily what I've worked so hard for. One blog writer was reading another blog and got so angry at this girl for getting pregnant with only one cycle of Clomid. She was angry at this girl for planning her nursery and buying baby clothes in the first trimester. She even secretly wished that something bad would happen just so the girl could know what it's really like. And guess what? The girl had a loss late in her 2nd trimester.
And the blog writer never felt more horrible.

I found myself doing this exact thing at our meeting last night. There was a couple there who has already picked the child they want to adopt and they are certain that they will get him. I just wanted to shake them and ask why they were being so naive! Just because we want a child doesn't mean we will get him! I wanted to tell them not to get their hopes up! There could be 10 families looking at this boy! But that is not my place. Who am I to take their hope from them? They have been through their own struggles with miscarriage and adoption. They have been waiting on a referral for a China adoption for 2 years and have all but given up. Why do we do this? What right do we have to wish ill will on anyone? This is why infertiles are crazy.

I wish I had something fun to report...but I'm in a waiting phase right now. I am going in tomorrow for a TB test...part of adoption requirements. Oh, and my case worker wants to do an initial walk through of our house next Monday. I guess I'll be in cleaning mode this weekend. Still in the wait to see if this cycle worked. Still looking for a job.

One more thing....please keep Kelly Y in your prayers. She has her first RE appointment tomorrow. That initial appointment is always so tough and scary. Let's pray that they can find some answers to her recurrent miscarriages.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Sorry!

I'm sorry I haven't updated in a few days. I wasn't able to get much computer time this weekend. Hubs was working on a mid term exam. I will update more later. Just wanted to let you know I was still alive and kicking!

XOXO!

Friday, October 3, 2008

I don't THINK so!

Last night I was doing the usual job search on Craig.s List when I found this great ad for employment. It seemed like something I would really enjoy so I applied. I noticed that there was an email address with the company name in it so I thought I would check it out. Well, guess what it was?!? It was an abortion clinic! What the crap! I just sent this resume in and have applied for employment at a abortion clinc!?! Now what do I do? So, I sent another email telling them to please disregard my resume and that I have no intention of working for a place that performs abortions. (Now, I know that people have different attitudes regarding abortion but that is not what this is about. If you have pissy comments just keep them to yourselves!) I am pretty certain that all of you girls going through infertility can agree that seeing pregnant women get abortions on a daily basis wouldn't be too good for the psyche. I might lose my mind and end up in either a) jail or b) a mental hospital.

In other news, I have officially entered the 2 week wait. I am scheduled for blood work to check HCG on October 17. We'll see how it goes. One day at a time, right? Oh, and my ovaries feel like they are the size of watermelons. Very uncomfortable. This happened in May and it took about a week to feel normal again.

Hubs just got home and is going to walk the dogs for me...since I don't feel well. I am in the office with the dogs and he is in the kitchen. He just said the word "walk" and Patches and Lucy almost had a coronary. They bolted out the door! Even if you whisper the word they go nuts! They crack me up.

So, how in the world are ya?

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Hope is a Bitch

Wikipedia tells me that Hope is "a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. Hope implies a certain amount of despair, wanting, wishing, suffering or perseverance." It describes False Hope as "a hope based entirely around a fantasy or extremely unlikely outcome."


I have both, and I wish I had neither. Here's the kicker...I would like to hope that I don't have false hope. See my dilemma here? Most days I feel ok and find it easy to keep my chin up...to maintain a good kind of hope if you will. Other days like today, I wish that hope would just curl up in a ball and die. Hope doesn't cause me relief or happiness. I can say with 100% certainty that it causes me despair and suffering. I wish I had none. My friend Kelly Y. and I talk about this all the time. It would be so much easier to know for certain that we can never have children. The we could grieve and move on. When all hope is gone, the healing can begin. But we get to wait in limbo and suffer the ugliness of hope. (Notice the nice vultures in the photo below...)







I had my first of two IUI's today. It was rather uneventful. I hope that it works. I hope that the injections did all they were supposed to do.


I thought that going through the initial adoption process would make this cycle easier. At least I hoped it would. But if anything, I think it has caused me more grief. We went to the Adoption Coalition picnic today. It was a big letdown for me. I'm not sure what I expected but was disappointed with how things went. It was like a shopping spree for foster children. There were case workers there and each had a table set up. On each table was a photo book of children. The idea was to find a child you like and talk to the case worker about them...get an idea their personalities, etc. I found out that if you find a child that you are interested in your home study gets sent to the case worker. The case workers then takes the top 5 home studies and meets with each other to decide what family is the best fit for the child. I just can't even wrap my mind around all of this. There could be 15 families looking at one child at the same time. I've also noticed a trend that the "pretty, white" children are the ones being adopted. If I were in the system as a child I would have never been chosen. I'm not having a pity party, but I was an ugly kid. Do you have any idea how that breaks my heart for the not so pretty ones? I absolutely had a meltdown and had to leave. I started just sobbing and hubs was so great. He tried to comfort me but I just couldn't stop crying. The whole process of infertility and adoption is just too overwhelming.


So much of me just wants to throw my hands in the air and say forget it. It would be so much easier to not have the desire to be a parent. But what would I do with myself? Where do I fit in if my life stays just as it is now? Who do I become if I don't become a mother? Who does hubs become if not a dad?


I have been reading the journey of a couple and the struggles they are going through. They are in the process of newborn adoption. You should say hi...http://rebekahpinchback.blogspot.com/


This quote in on her website....


"The process of adopting a child pushes your personal envelope as a woman, as a mother, and ultimately, as a human being. It takes more courage than you think you have, offers more self-knowledge than you think you want, and resembles your characteristics into someone familiar but changed."Jana Wolff, Secret Thoughts of an Adopted Mother


Can anyone relate?


Stupid Hope!!!

Tutti Fruity Titty??

How many of you have seen the letter seen in the link below? Anyone out there interested in eating Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream made with breast milk?

http://www.peta.org/mc/NewsItem.asp?id=11993


One of the blogs I read is having a contest to come up with new names for breast milk ice cream. Here are a few that almost made me fall out of my chair laughing...


Mammary Marshmallow Swirl
Marshmammary Madness
Caramel Areola Swirl
Extra Creamy Chocolate Bosom and Extra Creamy Vanilla Bosom
Dulce de Leche de la Madre
Bosom Buddy Nutty
Neapolactation
Boobie Batter (Brownie Batter)
Banana Tit (Banana Split)
Half A'Breast (Half Baked)
Booby Treasure (Berried Treasure)
Sweet Teat & Cookies (Sweet Cream & Cookies)
Juggin' Me Crazy (Jamacian Me Crazy)
Vanilla Fudge Tit (Vanilla Fudge Chip)
Colostrumallow
Dulce de Duct-e
Peanut Udder Cup
Engorgemint


And I thought I was half crazy!!!