Let the "what ifs" begin

I can't believe that this cycle is almost over. I have done 8 days of Follistim and we are ready for Ovidrel (to make me ovulate). I went in this morning for my final scan and for the first time ever, I was terrified of what I saw. Let me just give you the run down: Right - 22, 19, 17.5, 17, 17, 16, 16, 15, 15, 12 and the Left - 21, 17, 14 (and a few smaller ones). 3 are already mature and most likely 5 more will be by Wednesday. Did you catch that? That equals 8!!! Holy crapola! Dr. Wonderful was excited by the response. I didn't even respond this well during my IVF cycle. But she was also not wanting me to have a litter. She asked me if we were ok with moving forward with the cycle. I told her yes. Especially with our history of miscarriage. Even if all 8 fertilize and implant (gulp!!) who knows if they will make it. See the what if's forming? So, I'll trigger tonight and we will have back to back IUI's tomorrow and Wednesday. Dr. W. will do another ultrasound on Wednesday to see what released. My estrogen levels have been so high this time around that we are also worried about OHSS. If I gain weight rapidly (heck, I do that while NOT on fertility drugs), have trouble breathing, have pain, etc, etc, I need to call Dr. W asap.

Now to elaborate on the what ifs. What if I actually get pregnant again? What will happen? Will I actually end up with a live baby? If I stay pregnant will I drive my self insane with worry? What if I get pregnant with high order multiples? What if all 3,4,5,6,7,8 fertilize and implant? Multiples = pre-maturity. How could I ever live with myself if they were born to early and had major issues for the rest of their lives? All because I pushed and pushed to have just one baby! Would I reduce if there were that many? How can I live with myself if I reduce? How do I wipe out a beating heart(s) that I've wanted more desperately than anything in the world? What if I don't get pregnant this time around? Then what? What if we have one more shot and that's it? What if I have to just give up on this dream?

All I can do is hope for the best and pray that I do get pregnant with no more than 2. If I do, we will just cross that bridge if we get to it. I know you can all feel my excitement and terror! My HCG test will be November 26. It will be a long 2 weeks.

We have 2 more adoption classes to take on Wednesday and Thursday nights. Then we submit our paperwork and schedule a homestudy. I guess after that we will be good to go...assuming that we are approved! Not sure what we will do once we are. I guess that depends on if I'm knocked up or not. I'll let you know what the ultrasound on Wednesday looks like. I know I'm jumping the gun on this, really I do. But these things keep making the rounds in my brain. You know what I'm talking about! Don't judge!!!

XOXO