Merry Christmas!!

I Hate Pacifiers

I thought, in the beginning, that BB would not be taking a pacifier. You know, because I would be breastfeeding and have gallons of milk and I didn't want her to have nipple confusion. Then I woke up and realized the girls were as dry as a bone. Since that didn't matter, we started giving it to her and realized that it really did soothe her. But she has this pattern...it goes something like this...

GIVE ME MY PACI NOW!!!
NOM NOM NOM NOM
Calm Baby
Spit pacifier out
GIVE ME MY PACI NOW!!!
NOM NOM NOM NOM
Calm Baby
Spit pacifier out
GIVE ME MY PACI NOW!!!

NOM NOM NOM NOM
Calm Baby
Spit pacifier out

TIMES INFINITY!!!!! Makes me want to RIP OUT MY HAIR!! (and it usually happens around 4 am)
 
So, we have an Angel Care Monitor. Ever heard of it? It is a sensor pad that goes under the baby's mattress and alarms if no movement is felt for at least 20 seconds. It really gives me peace of mind!! But, since moving BB into her baby bed, the blasted thing has gone off several times. She has been breathing every time. It's just if she moves too far off of the sensor pad no movement is "sensed" and the alarm sounds. It happened several times on Sunday and Monday and I couldn't for the life of me figure out what was going on! Finally, I pulled the bed apart to inspect everything and just happened to look at the sensitivity setting. 5 is most sensitive and 1 is least. Well, my lovely husband decided to change the setting to 1 because he thought that was the right thing to do. Arrrrggghhh!! I could have choked him! So, I put the setting back to 5 and we have had no problems. Until last night. Now, I have no idea how our brains work and how our bodies can be in motion while we are still asleep. But let me tell you, I woke up standing over BB's bed with my hand on her chest. My heart was pounding and and I was terrified!!  It took me a few seconds to realize what happened. The alarm went off (at 2:30 am) and my husband and I both jumped up to check on her. I don't know how we didn't slam into each other in the process! I managed to throw the covers back, jump out of bed, step over 2 dog beds in the floor and get to her. All without falling or stepping on a dog or knocking over my husband. She was fine and breathing...she just scooted to the edge of the bed and her movement wasn't being picked up. This apparently happens to alot of people. I will take the false alarms because heaven forbid something truly did happen, at least I know that it works. But man, did I almost have a heart attack!! The sensor pad is probably 8 inches square. Why can't the company just make the sensor pad larger and then this wouldn't happen? Maybe I should call and tell them what I think!

Randomness and Photos

We finally bought BB a baby bed! It is in our bedroom and it looks great!  She seems to like it so far! imagine it's much more comfortable than the pack n play.

The first time in her new bed!!!

We put up our Christmas tree on Sunday. AB was such a great helper!  It's a slim line tree so it doesn't take up too much space. It's very sparkly with all of the ornaments on it.

I have been pretty busy with the holidays and just being a full time mama! It's wonderful. It is so hard to believe that this time last year I sobbed and sobbed because I just knew that I would never have children. What a difference a year makes....I am beyond blessed and thankful.

I start back to school in  January. I'm looking forward to getting the ball rolling but I know it's going to be hard. My husband is going to watch the kids while I take a night class...physiology. It will be hard but I will do my best! Hopefully that will get me an A.

AB is doing great and we are just having the best time. Our little family is bonding and it feels so awesome! We are still shooting for his adoption to be finalized in February. I'm crossing everything I've got!

BB is doing great too. She still eats like a little bird...only 1.5 - 2 ounces at a time..most times. She will take 3 ounces once or twice a day...and then 4-5 ounces (on a good day) on her 11 pm bottle. She has been going to sleep around 6 pm.... there is no keeping her up when she's sleepy. I'll normally feed her around 8 and then again around 11. After her 11 pm bottle she sometimes will sleep for 4...maybe 5 hours. Then she's up every 2 or so hours until 8 am.  I am exhausted and actually got a horrible migraine the other day. H had to come home from work so I could sleep it off. I slept for about 4 hours and was able to function a little after that. I could have slept for 5 days I think.

I have also developed (what I think is) plantar fasciitis. Imgaine the worst pain ever in your heels and walking makes it even worse. Yeah...fun times. That whole exercise thing I wanted to start? Definitely not happening right now. I have been walking my dogs but my heels absolutely kill me when I do. And getting up during the night? I can hardly walk. I don't mean to complain, but it hurts!!

So, here is an adorable photo I took of BB when we were at my in laws house. She woke up about 11 pm and was pretty awake. My mother in law was holding her and she posed like this. It was sooo funny! I took it with my cell phone because it was handy.  I picture her saying something like, "What a day!"

This is a gorgeous Strausburg Children's dress that my mother in law bought. If you have never been to one of their stores, I would highly recommend you go! They have the most beautiful dresses. All smocked and beaded. Just gorgeous!

And finally, tummy time...score!! Normally BB screams her head off when she is on her belly. But today, she actually enjoyed herself for about 2 minutes!

Conversations with boys...aye aye aye!!

Me, AB and his friend MS were sitting in the living room talking.

AB: Why does Molly have all of these warts? (15 year old dog)

ME: They are not warts. They are old dog bumps.

AB: Warts come from a frog peeing on you. I knew this kid that a frog peed on and the next day he had a big wart on his finger.

ME: I'm not so sure about that. I think warts just kinda happen.

MS: If you get warts on your stuff that means you are pregnant, right?

ME: When you say stuff do you mean your boy parts?

MS: Yeah...doesn't that mean you are pregnant?

ME: Ummm...no....not exactly....uh....mmm....how about that video game?!

Biggest Loser....

ROCKS!! I watched the episode tonight, where the final 4 ran the marathon. I actually cried watching them cross the finish line. I have a special place in my heart for this show and it's contestants. I followed this plan (started 2 years ago yesterday) and lost 50 pounds in about 8 months. I worked my rear off at the gym, walked my dogs for miles a day, and was in the best shape of my life. When I first started working out I pictured all of the people on the show, working themselves almost to death to get in shape. My mantra was "if they can do it, I can do it. I can do anything for 1 more minute!" It was hard and I hated every second of working out. But I loved the results. It took longer than most and I hit lots of plateaus where I didn't lose a pound for weeks on end. But I stuck with it and it paid off.

When I found out I was pregnant and had a huge hematoma and major bleeding I was restricted from doing too much. Then I was scared to do anything. I haven't worked out in almost a year. I weigh now what I weighed when I got pregnant...so at least I haven't gained! But I'm soft....so so soft. I decided tonight that there is no room for excuses. I don't need a gym membership...I can do videos. (I've never been more miserably sore than when I did a biggest loser workout video. I couldn't walk for days!). I have no desire to be skinny, but I would like to lose about 35 pounds (yes, I'll still be overweight!). It HAS to be done! I have two beautiful children to get healthy for. 

I'm throwing this out there so that maybe you guys will keep me on my toes....ask me how I'm doing...and cheer me on. Dieting and exercise is not easy...it takes TONS of mental power. I'm ready for the challenge. Anybody with me?

Mom, I think you're nuts!!!

PS. Sorry I can't share AB with you. It won't be much longer!

BB is amazing!

She did absolutely great on the plane. She never complained, even once! We made it to Kentucky and it is beautiful here. It doesn't hurt that my in-laws live in a magnficent home on a golf course. My entire house is smaller than their lower level!  My MIL had everything set up for BB. A crib, changing table, diapers, wipes, baby wash and lotion, tons of clothes, a bathtub thingy, formula....I didn't need to bring a thing! We have been going 90 miles an hour since I've been here and I really haven't rested but it's been nice. I've been spoiled rotten for almost 2 weeks. So has BB and AB. Speaking of, they flew in last night and got here really late. It was so good to see my boys! I missed them!

Anyway, I just fed BB and need to get to sleep while she is sleeping. Here's to 4 + hours...but we'll see! Hope you are all doing well!

Keeping It Real

Disclaimer:  It is 2 am and I can't find the spell checker on this updated blogger thing. Anyone know wher eit is? Please excuse typos.

I should be sleeping...considering I have to be up in 2 hours for a flight to Kentucky. BB and I are taking our first trip together...and to be honest...I am terrified. Not of flying, but of the unknowns of  flying with a baby. I am trying to think of every scenario and have everything I'll need within arms reach on the plane. I'm not one to shy away from travelling, but this has shaken me a bit. I know we'll be fine.

My bloggy friend Marcia from South Africa has challenged me a bit today. She writes that she loves blogs that are authentic and real...not cutesy. I was in bed, trying to sleep after just feeding BB, and this just kept running through my mind. I haven't had the energy to sit and really focus on life. It's just easier to post photos and show off my precious children. SO, thanks for the challenge Marcia. Here goes....it's gonna be a long one.

The last 15 weeks have been like none I've ever experienced before. I became a mom two times over and have been clueless the majority of the time...especially when it comes to AB. Don't get me wrong, we are really doing ok and learning as we go. AB is a happy child, mainly due to his own sweet heart, and we are doing our best to give him a stable and loving home. I will say that we have all had to adjust. I've said before that for us, there has not been some magic moment where we became an instant family and it was all butterflies and rainbows. We have had wonderful moments that are building our relationship, no doubt. For instance, I told AB about a week ago that I would buy him ice cream. We have been busy and I just didn't get around to doing it. I've thought about it but haven't done it. So, today after I picked him up from school, I took him for ice cream. I told him that I didn't want to be a bad mom by promising to do something and then not doing it. He looked at me and said, "You could never be a bad mom. Even if you didn't do what you promised." See what I mean? Moments of heart swelling, overflowing, wonderful love! These little moments are what is building our family...it's what is building his trust and ours. If I allow myself to stop and remember what he's been through I can hardly stand it. I find myself busying my mind and not thinking too much about it. Is it because I'm busy or is it a defense mechanism for me? I am truly falling in love with this little boy and would fight anyone that tried to take him from me. I tell him that I love him 50 times a day. I had a mommy bracelet made with his and BB's name on it. When I showed it to him his face just lit up ( I can't wait to show you his face. He is soooo gorgeous)...like he was so in awe that I had his name on my wrist. I told him that he's always with me now and that he always will be. I am so grateful to have him. It has been challenging for all of us...for AB learning to have new parents with new rules (I monitor his TV closely, we do not have cable, he has extremely limited access to the internet, I'm very careful about movies he watches, etc.), a new sister, who he describes as a screaming baby doll, new friends, a new school..the list goes on and on . And for us, as a couple. If you think a new baby takes all of your time....you see where I'm going. And yes, I know that parents have more than one child every day.  It's just that the timing of all of this was great...and awful all at the same time. I didn't get the chance to spend time just with AB....and I didn't get the chance to spend time with just BB. We've had to learn to adjust and it's been fine. But I feel like my children, especially AB, has been cheated. I am just to thankful that AB is such a great kid. He's been in trouble a few times...what kid doesn't get in trouble? And we've taken away his beloved skateboard and video games....and I made him go to bed Sunday afternoon after having lunch with friends because he was rude and whiny at lunch. (He was tired from his campout, I get it. But I don't think that being tired is a valid excuse for anyone being rude. Hell, I haven't slept in 3 months and am not rude (well, except to my poor husband). Speaking of whining and video games, AB started crying because he couldn't figure out a game that he and H were playing. I told them to turn it off and that there are no tears in video games! Cry over something that matters! Not a stupid game! (I'm a peach, huh?) All of this to say, life is good. We are challenged in awesome ways and not so awesome ways. We are hoping to finalize AB's adoption some time in February. We've started the initial process with an attorney and hopefully it will happen then. Pretty exciting times! We are learning as we go and it's not always perfect. But we are a family now...and nothing will change that.

Being a mom to a 10 year old is quite different that being a mom to a 12 week old. First, I am stunned that BB is almost 12 weeks old. I just can not believe how quickly it goes by. I want to soak her in and just remember every moment with her. It is all I can do not to have my lips pressed to her big cheeks all day long. I love her so much that it overwhelms me. I still can't believe that she is actually mine. When I think back on all of the struggles and years of devastation, it makes me feel sick. I am one of the lucky ones...I realize that. Many of you have not been lucky....(hopefully) yet. I never thought I would be. I was talking to my husband the other night about what it would be like if I had not had BB. What if I was still in the trenches? To be honest, I don't even want to think about it. It's too dark and scary to even think about. Which of course makes me ache for what so many of you are still going through. I wish that no one had to go through infertility and miscarriage. There is much more that I want to say about this but I'll save it for another time. Let me just say that I have a new found "appreciation", if you will, for someone going through secondary infertility, especially miscarriages. My friend Kelly has had 5 miscarriages since her first child was born...I called her the other day and told her that I was sorry that I didn't realize the depth of her pain. I knew it hurt..and I knew she was devastated.  But I couldn't possibly know to what degree. Now that I have BB, and know what a positive pregnancy test can actually look like at the end, I think it would be so much more painful to have another miscarriage. Don't get mad at me...remember that I've lost 5 little ones. And it kicked my ass more than anything ever has. But now that I have seen what the outcome can be, it makes me mourn a little more for the ones that didn't make it. I always wondered what they would be like...my first loss was a girl...and now I know. That is one of the main reasons that I just don't want to get pregnant again. Fear of miscarriage, plus fear of everything else. I've hit the jackpot once....isn't that usually a once in a lifetime event?

I am so grateful that this blog has been an outlet for me over the past year and a half. It has really gotten me through some of the darkest times of my life. I've connected with people all of the world and I find myself thinking of them throughout the day. I have come across blogs that break my heart (babies that have horrible medical conditions, preemies), encourage me (too many to list), and piss me off (also too many to list....who puts a 6 week old baby in a bumbo seat anyway?! They don't even have head control!)

If you haven't figured it out yet, I am full of fire and not afraid to confront any situation. I've said it 100 times before, and if you know me in real life you'll agree. I am a loud, bossy, pain in the ass, in your face, obnoxious person that says anything that comes to mind. It amazes me every day that I can get away with it and that I have lots of friends who love me in spite of that. I'm not sure why I can get away with it! You will never wonder where you stand in my world! And I appreciate the same from those around me. I do not like people who want to be miserable all of the time. I can't stand people who want to "stir the pot" and always have some drama going on.  Life is too short!

There are lots of things that I love but don't do. I am a singer and am happiest when I'm surrounded by music. Before moving to Texas, I was on worship teams at a couple of different churches. I miss singing more that I can say and I hope to get involved again one day soon. I love to play the piano, although I'm not very good. I also love to be surrounded by lots of people. It energizes me! That is one thing I miss about my hometown. Don't get me wrong...I have the most amazing friends here. But it's not the huge group like I used to have. When I moved away from Alabama, I had a going away party, and 100 people came! It was so much fun and I was blown away. I miss those friends but I know that, even if I moved back,  it would never be the same.

I had all of these thoughts running through my head and now they escape me. I'll post more once my brain catches up. Might be sometime next year. I might even get thank you cards sent out by then

Oh, that reminds me...I am stunned daily by the generosity of our family and friends. Not only for BB's birth, but for AB's adoption. He has received so many wonderful gifts and I can not thank them enough. And to my closest friends (K, D, G, K) who spend time with him. It means more than you know! He is gaining a sense of permanency and seeing you on a regular basis helps so much! Thank you!

Ok, one hour til I have to be up. Debating on just staying up. Might regret it in a few hours.