Uncertainty

Isn't it amazing how little certainty we have in life? Some things are always certain...death and taxes, right? But others? Not so much... In our quest to have a child, some of us may never get pregnant, some of us may get pregnant numerous times and have numerous miscarriages...some of us may carry a child to near term just to be blindsided with a stillborn baby. Just because we get pregnant does not mean that we will have a healthy baby at the end. I read many blogs that are just so sad. My friend Kellye asks me all the time, "Leah, how can you read those blogs? It's just too sad!". And I agree...it is too sad. No one should have to go through what some of you go through. But I can't stop...I need to read to give my support to their grief. A grief that I can't possibly understand...and hope none of us ever have to. I wish that pregnancy could be a happy time for us. I'm not sure why we got hand picked to go through so much crap...but I guess it's our burden to bear.

We went to the first of 4 adoption classes last night. I really dreaded going...especially after my meltdown at the picnic last week. It was actually really great to get more information. I am looking forward to the remaining classes. We watched a video and in the beginning it talked about physical abuse. It showed pictures of children's legs and back sides that were just covered in huge bruises and cuts. I can't imagine the beating it took to put those bruises on a little body. How can anyone do that to a child? It absolutely disgusts me. These children will have to deal with that for the rest of their lives. I just want to be able to give a child a safe haven to live in. I want them to know that we will always take care of them and will never abuse them. It just makes me sick to my stomach.

In reading blogs I have noticed a trend with us infertile folks. When a friend/family member announces their pregnancy the first response often seems to be an emotional meltdown...and deep jealousy...and sadness. How dare they get so easily what I've worked so hard for. One blog writer was reading another blog and got so angry at this girl for getting pregnant with only one cycle of Clomid. She was angry at this girl for planning her nursery and buying baby clothes in the first trimester. She even secretly wished that something bad would happen just so the girl could know what it's really like. And guess what? The girl had a loss late in her 2nd trimester.
And the blog writer never felt more horrible.

I found myself doing this exact thing at our meeting last night. There was a couple there who has already picked the child they want to adopt and they are certain that they will get him. I just wanted to shake them and ask why they were being so naive! Just because we want a child doesn't mean we will get him! I wanted to tell them not to get their hopes up! There could be 10 families looking at this boy! But that is not my place. Who am I to take their hope from them? They have been through their own struggles with miscarriage and adoption. They have been waiting on a referral for a China adoption for 2 years and have all but given up. Why do we do this? What right do we have to wish ill will on anyone? This is why infertiles are crazy.

I wish I had something fun to report...but I'm in a waiting phase right now. I am going in tomorrow for a TB test...part of adoption requirements. Oh, and my case worker wants to do an initial walk through of our house next Monday. I guess I'll be in cleaning mode this weekend. Still in the wait to see if this cycle worked. Still looking for a job.

One more thing....please keep Kelly Y in your prayers. She has her first RE appointment tomorrow. That initial appointment is always so tough and scary. Let's pray that they can find some answers to her recurrent miscarriages.