Yikes!

I went in for my 2nd IUI yesterday and we did an ultrasound to see what I ovulated. As of 9:30 yesterday morning, I had not ovulated yet. I had 11, yes I said eleven, mature follicles yesterday! WTF?!? I started getting really nervous about ovulating all 11 and then I got really nervous that I wouldn't ovulate at all and then I got really nervous that I would get pregnant with too many and then I got really nervous that I wouldn't get pregnant at all and then....you see my point? My estradiol level as of Monday was 2569 (sorry Bella...=( ). That's the highest it's ever been. I maxed out last cycle at 1042. But i may have already told you that...I can't remember. SO, Doc said if I wanted to come back in today for another ultrasound that she would like to see what's going on. As of noon today I had ovulated 6 eggs. Holy cow!! or chicken! She was a little worried but we just decided that we would deal with things as they come. And then I started getting really nervous.....wash, rinse, repeat. I only had 5 eggies during my IVF cycle. Not sure why this cycle took off like it did but I'm ok with that. This will be our last Inject/IUI cycle before moving on to IVF. I really hope it works. IVF sucks great big donkey balls! I will test that Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Let's hope it goes by quickly. If at least one of these bad boys doesn't fertilize/implant/come into the world in 9 months I want a refund on my girl parts!! Anybody know the return address for jacked up lady parts?

EDITED TO ADD: Did you see this?

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20240095,00.html

I don't know about you, but this just makes me angry. Not necessarily at the he/she but I guess more at the universe/God. This he/she had taken tons of hormones to transistion into a man, grew a beard, etc., but was still able to conceive, and give birth to a healthy baby. Now he/she's pregnant again! Here we are, taking tons of hormones for women, since we are women, to have a baby and we can't!??! I have nothing against her/him. That's not the issue. It's just, well, I don't know! I'm just really peeved about this whole situation. What do you think?

Let the "what ifs" begin

I can't believe that this cycle is almost over. I have done 8 days of Follistim and we are ready for Ovidrel (to make me ovulate). I went in this morning for my final scan and for the first time ever, I was terrified of what I saw. Let me just give you the run down: Right - 22, 19, 17.5, 17, 17, 16, 16, 15, 15, 12 and the Left - 21, 17, 14 (and a few smaller ones). 3 are already mature and most likely 5 more will be by Wednesday. Did you catch that? That equals 8!!! Holy crapola! Dr. Wonderful was excited by the response. I didn't even respond this well during my IVF cycle. But she was also not wanting me to have a litter. She asked me if we were ok with moving forward with the cycle. I told her yes. Especially with our history of miscarriage. Even if all 8 fertilize and implant (gulp!!) who knows if they will make it. See the what if's forming? So, I'll trigger tonight and we will have back to back IUI's tomorrow and Wednesday. Dr. W. will do another ultrasound on Wednesday to see what released. My estrogen levels have been so high this time around that we are also worried about OHSS. If I gain weight rapidly (heck, I do that while NOT on fertility drugs), have trouble breathing, have pain, etc, etc, I need to call Dr. W asap.

Now to elaborate on the what ifs. What if I actually get pregnant again? What will happen? Will I actually end up with a live baby? If I stay pregnant will I drive my self insane with worry? What if I get pregnant with high order multiples? What if all 3,4,5,6,7,8 fertilize and implant? Multiples = pre-maturity. How could I ever live with myself if they were born to early and had major issues for the rest of their lives? All because I pushed and pushed to have just one baby! Would I reduce if there were that many? How can I live with myself if I reduce? How do I wipe out a beating heart(s) that I've wanted more desperately than anything in the world? What if I don't get pregnant this time around? Then what? What if we have one more shot and that's it? What if I have to just give up on this dream?

All I can do is hope for the best and pray that I do get pregnant with no more than 2. If I do, we will just cross that bridge if we get to it. I know you can all feel my excitement and terror! My HCG test will be November 26. It will be a long 2 weeks.

We have 2 more adoption classes to take on Wednesday and Thursday nights. Then we submit our paperwork and schedule a homestudy. I guess after that we will be good to go...assuming that we are approved! Not sure what we will do once we are. I guess that depends on if I'm knocked up or not. I'll let you know what the ultrasound on Wednesday looks like. I know I'm jumping the gun on this, really I do. But these things keep making the rounds in my brain. You know what I'm talking about! Don't judge!!!

XOXO

I'm exhausted!

What a fun day I've had! Well, minus the pre-dawn run downtown to the lab at the hospital. I left my house at 6 a.m. Luckily, after a small amount of drama, they were able to actually get blood this time. I was there for an hour but other than that, no complaints. Long story about trying to find the best sticker....yadda, yadda, yadda... Then I had my 2nd follicle check at 8:45 a.m. I'm apparently an over achiever this go around. I have on the right...14, 14, 13, 12, 12,11, 11 and the left...12, 12, 12, 11 and my estradiol is 1069. At this point last cycle my estradiol was only 542. Yikes! So, they took my meds from 200 units down to 100 for the next 2 days. I go back for a recheck on Monday. Most likely will trigger Monday night and do IUI's on Tuesday and Wednesday. Fun times, folks....fun times. I'm already looking forward to the pain after my trigger shot. Anyone else experience this? Where your ovaries just HURT and feel like they might explode? What helps?

So, back to the fun day. I had a big group of friends over this afternoon for a cook out. We all played softball and they came back to my house for food. It was a ton of fun. We played cards and the boys and Kellye watched football. It's 11:00 and we just wrapped up. I love having them over! We were without friends here for so long that it's just awesome to have a house full of people!! Plus I got to spend some time with Keri's sweet baby boy! He's 8 months old and the happiest baby I have EVER seen. I just love being around him. It's good to get a baby fix. =)

This week should be busy. I'm taking my math placement test this week so wish me luck! And we have adoption classes on Wednesday and Thursday nights. Plus RE appointments and finishing up my continuing education classes for my insurance license. Oh, and i have to register for school. Who has time to get a job?!??!?

I'll keep you posted on my RE visit on Monday. I really want this to work. Really...really....really!!

For the love of my life...

Who puts up with my love of all things doggie! I often realize this is how you feel!



Thanks for loving me....and realizing that sometimes, I actually DO love the dogs more than you!!

XOXO

I slept! I slept!!

I actually got 7 WHOLE HOURS of sleep last night....in a row! I couldn't tell you the last time that happened. I am so excited about our dog door! Molly can't get through it anymore...she's too fat and arthritic. But the other two are in and out all day...and night. Leaving me the heck alone! Woo Hoo!!

This is me after a few days on Follistim, no sleep and head pounding from my crazy hormones!






I had another traumatic time at the lab today. I have been taking my shots for 3 days now. So, it was time for my first bloodwork and ultrasound. Well...suffice it to say that no blood was taken from my body today. Not for lack of trying...I can guaran-damn-tee that. Three different people stuck me a total of 4 times. When I heard one girl say, "Hmmmm....looks like we blew that vein out", I knew it wasn't good. I have a huge bruise and it hurts like a mo fo! Dr. Wonderful said not to worry about it. She knows how hard blood draws are for me. I HAVE to have it done on Saturday to get my correct dosage of follistim, but for know it's all ok. That reminds me, I need to order more meds! My ovaries are functioning nicely and I have 4 good follicles one the left and 3 on the right.


I talked to my father-in -law yesterday and told him how much I missed him. He said he missed me too and actually offered to buy us plane tickets to visit them for Thanksgiving. I really would love that but I told him that if I'm pregnant (yeah right) that I don't want to fly. I talked to hubs about it and told him that we could scrap this cycle and just go for a visit. Now, you know I've come a long way if I'm willing to stop a cycle! We decided not to travel now but it's amazing that I would even consider it. I used to be so right on top of things and ready to go month after month. Now? Not so much... It's amazing how much we change when we go through so much time and time again.


So, hubs has to have a colonoscopy tomorrow. I swear that you would think he was having his leg amputated! He's so anxious about it! We all know how men can be such babies! He's no exception! He's on a liquid diet today and has to take all of this medicine tonight to cause explosive diarrhea. TMI, I know! I kinda want to laugh about it, but that's not too nice, huh? Oh, and he's also whining about having to have an IV done. We all know what I've been through with surgery, blood draws, IV's , shots, right? So, he gets absolutely NO sympathy from me on that one. (I love you honey!) Fun times? You betcha!


There is this great webite called upsidedowndogs.com. You should check it out! Hilarious! Here is my very own version of Patches, the upsidedown dog!

Is Halloween really that Happy?

Here I sit, on the computer, jumping up every time the doorbell rings. There are the cutest kids and babies all over the place. I love seeing them, I do. But we should be out there taking our kids to gather 100 pounds of candy. We should be the ones having fun with our little ones and picking out costumes. Why does everything have to be hindered by f-ing infertility? I hate it more and more every day. I hate how it reminds us of what we don't have...and that no amount of money, begging, pleading and fit throwing will change that. Hubs has to work tonight. He was with me today and I loved it. But when he left for work about 1/2 an hour ago it just sucked. I am alone a good bit of the time, and I'm fairly used to it now. But tonight? Not so much. **sigh**

I went to my RE today for a re-check. The cysts are gone and I no longer have to take birth control pills. She said I should have a period in a day or two. What?!? I just had one 2 weeks ago! I will begin Follistim again on Sunday night and go for bloodwork and ultrasound on Wednesday. Woo freakin hoo.... I have completely lost all excitement for fertility treatments. I know that if this cycle doesn't work that she will want us to move on to IVF #2. I look even less forward to that.

We have almost completed our adoption paper work. Hubs got his fingerprints...I will get mine this week. We just have a few more pages to fill out and misc. forms to gather. Then we finish our remaining 2 classes next week and will be ready for a home study. We emailed our social worker on Monday for information on a little girl that we are interested in. I called today since I haven't heard from her. She basically said that it takes a while to get any info from the regional case workers and that what they do give is very little. Until we have our home study done, we are kinda stuck. Hubs said today that he wanted to get the home study done asap, because he would rather get the girl sooner than later. GULP!! That's awesome! But I can't get excited. What if she's adopted before we get to her? Or what if her social workers think we aren't a good fit? So, we wait...again.

On slightly less depressing news, we went to a Ho.me De.pot today that is closing. Everything was 50% off the regular price. We actually found a storm door with a dog door already in it for $74!! We looked at one before and it was closer to $350! So we got a deal! Now we just have to figure out how to install it. Woo Hoo!! Well, that and actually get the dogs to use it. I know Molly will...she's used one before. And I think Patches won't have an issue either. Lucy? I'm not so sure. She's so scared of everything that she might not be able to bring herself to walk through. I'll let you know.

Dog Door and Ambien...

For once, in weeks and weeks, the dogs didn't wake me up last night. Usually they have me up at least twice a night. I swear it's like having a baby but much less fun. I don't ever feel rested and I am always tired. Well, at 4 am my eyes popped open I haven't been able to go back to sleep. This is so frustrating. It makes me want to cry. It's amazing how not sleeping night after night can really get to you. I've been taking Tylenol PM from time to time but that puts me in such a fog that it takes me hours to wake up. I've also really cut way back on caffeine, especially in the evenings. But I feel like I need it to get through the day. See the irony? Anybody out there take Ambien? I'm thinking of calling my PCP Nurse today and begging her for a prescription. I have heard that it's not habit forming...anyone know for sure? I just can not take this any more. I used to have a dog door (when I only had one dog) and it was a life saver. I think this may have to happen sooner than later, much to my husband's dismay. One more thing for him to fuss about!