Pre Natal Screenings

I have really been thinking alot about the whole business of 1st trimester screenings, quad screens, etc. Looking back, I wish I would have never done the 1st trimester screen. I have seen countless blogs (including mine) where the results show "increased risk for XYZ" and it causes immediate grief, anxiety and pain. As we all know, these screenings are not conclusive either way. Just because you have an increased risk does not mean that you will have a baby born with that condition. Just because you have no increased risk does not mean that your baby will be born without the condition. Why do we put ourselves through that and why do doctors even push for this to be done? I just don't get it! I understand the ultrasound part, and making sure that everything is in working order. But the bloodwork? I know it's all about certain levels being higher or lower than normal. But did you know they take the mother's weight and ethnic background into account? And of course, age. Did you know that once you are 35 you are immediately tagged with a 1 in 50 (or something close) risk of down's syndrome? Even if there are no other markers? Why do we even bother doing these screens?

When the positive screen comes back, we are forced to make a decision if we want to do an amniorightnow to know for sure. This in itself can cause miscarriage. I don't know about you, but for someone who is on her 4th pregnancy with no live babies yet, the risk of causing another miscarriage is simply not worth it. So, we wait and wonder if our babies are going to be born with special needs or if they are going to be "normal" (all relative). For those of us who would not terminate the pregnancy, the only reason to do an amnio is for peace of mind. But then we risk killing our unborn child just for peace of mind? Some doctors will argue that it's best to know ahead of time so the baby can be well taken care of at birth. While I agree with this, aren't babies born every day with special needs that no one knows about until birth? They are just as well taken care of as babies who were diagnosed with something in utero.

This has been something that has been at the front of my mind since getting a positive screen for DS...or should we say, increased odds for your age/weight/ethnic group. ?? It has tormented me from the moment I found out. And I hate it! I have really had to force myself to think about what it will be like to have a child with DS. If it happens, how different will our lives be? How do I protect my child from the hatefulness of others? How do I provide the best care for a special needs child? But you know what? I would do all of these things anyway...regardless of their needs status. My husband and I talked in length last week about it...we've been kinda sweeping it under the rug, too terrified to talk about it. But once we got it all out in the open, it was better. I was ready to have an amnio done now just to know. But then realized that I could risk pre-term labor, infection, etc. We said no thank you. So, we wait for 10 more weeks to find out. In the meantime, I am going to prepare for her arrival! And you know what else? I'm not so much worried about her status at birth as I am about making sure she gets to the birthing point! Still birth is by far my greatest fear at this point. So, I pray non-stop, feel terrified 99.9% of the time and hope for the best. So, LaLa, this is for you. You will get through this and you will be ok. No matter what! We'll get through it together!!

Dear little girl...

My sweet baby girl,

You almost gave your mommy a heart attack yesterday. I understand that you may have been sleepy because you partied so hard the day before. But I am begging you, please move at least a little every day so I know you are ok in there. My biggest goal in life right now is to keep you safe and have you born kicking and screaming in 2 months time. I love you fiercely already and can't wait to hold you in my arms.

Love,
Your devoted Mama

So, what am I talking about? I had my first trip to L&D last night. BB moved so much on Friday and Saturday that I was actually able to relax for moments at a time. Then comes Sunday. She barely moved all day yesterday. I felt maybe 6 or 7 movements all day long. I kept eating sweet things and drinking OJ. I probably gained 5 pounds just trying to get her to move! Thank GOD that I have a doppler. I would have most likely lost my mind if I would not have been able to hear her heartbeat (3 times yesterday!). I've heard that no movement can be a sign of fetal distress, even if there is a strong heart beat. I waited until after dinner to see if she would move. No go. Then we walked the dogs and I started feeling crampy. I came home and drank a big glass of ice water and some OJ and laid down. Crampys went away but still no movement! It was around 10:00 p.m. by this point. I called my friend Keri and asked her what to do. She's so great and said to just call the on call doctor to be safe. So, I did. They called me back and said that most likely everything is fine but to go to L&D to be checked out just in case. We headed to the hospital and they hooked me up to the monitors. The second the monitor hit my belly BB started kicking away. Little Rascal! I was on the monitors for about 2 hours and she was moving and shaking the entire time. Thank you God! The doctor came in and said everything looks great. They were really sweet and said they would rather me come in every day than to wait and something go terribly wrong. Oh, and she did a cervix check. I really think she was trying to check my tonsils, just from the wrong end. It wasn't painful, just TONS of pressure. Cervix was long and closed. Whew!

I know every doctor has a different opinion on kick counts. My OB told me not to do them until around 35 weeks. But most of what I have seen says to start around 28 weeks. What have you heard? Some info says you should feel 12 movements in 2 hours, some 10 movements in one hour (this is what the hospital OB said). I don't know! I'm just glad that baby girl is ok. She's moving this morning so Yay! I go back to the doctor next Thursday. Hopefully we can get another ultrasound!

HAHAHAHAHA!

Does anyone find this as funny as I do??

28 Weeks

Every week that passes is another huge milestone for me. I never could have imagined being at this place. Am I still terrified? Absolutely. It's odd how fears change as the weeks tick by. I find myself not even thinking about giving birth at this point. That doesn't scare me....yet. I can definitely say it's not me I'm worried about. If I don't feel this baby move for a while I start thinking the worst. I know I shouldn't and that people have perfectly healthy pregnancies and babies every minute of every day. I've just been out of the norm on so many occasions that my mind tends to just wander there anyway. Sigh... Wanna know my only complaint about being pregnant? It's the anxiety! I never want to complain about the miracle I've been given. I know how blessed I am to be in this place. I will never take it for granted. I just want her to be ok.

I saw the doctor again today. I waited 45 minutes and saw her for 2. It's ok though. My fundal height is on target (that's a weird word. Fundal...), blood pressure was 120/70, weight gain + 2 pounds (for a total of 9). I passed my glucose tolerance test. Woo Hoo!! And received a RhoGAM shot. This was 5th time I've had that shot. I forget how much it stings! Pretty much a standard visit. Hallelujah! I go back in 3 weeks for another visit. Everything is fine. Amazing.

Still no word on adopting AB. My frustration mounts daily. I'm not the kind of person to sit around and wait on things without trying to push it along. But in this case, there is nothing I can do. I just have to sit and wait. The social worker we have now is an area director (of the private agency we are using) and even she can't/won't get anything going. I am really having to pray for patience with this situation. He will come to us when he comes. It is what it is. Hopefully I won't be in labor before we know more! Once again....sigh.

I'm taking one class this summer and it's going well. LOTS of memorization and information. But I like it. I'm so ready to finish school and get my career going. At this point I'll be lucky if this all happens before I'm 40. And speaking of....my 36th birthday is next week. I can't even believe it. I'm closer to 40 than 30 now. I know I don't have one foot in the grave yet, but it really sneaks up on you!

As if we infertiles need something ELSE to be pissed about!

So, I saw this article on people.com: Pregnant Man Gives Birth Again

Now, I've posted on this before and I think he (she from the waist down) has every right to have a child. BUT! 2 babies in 18 months? Seriously?! (S) He has taken testosterone for years, enough to grow facial hair and start looking like a man, but can still get pregnant and carry a baby (2 babies) to term? I've been on this journey for almost 4 years, been through just about every fertility treatment that's out there, lost 3 pregnancies and am still terrified about this one. And (s) he gets to have two, with no treatments, no miscarriages, no issues? This really makes me realize how extremely unfair life is.

Oh, and apparently his wife will nurse this baby, just like she did with the first one. Not sure how that happens but whatever.

What a pisser! Hmmmpph!!

Deal of the day

I can't even believe I am buying baby stuff, but I guess it's about time to start thinking about such things! We bought a stroller/car seat seat from Craigslist a few weeks ago for $100. It is really pretty and I thought it was an amazing deal! It is in great condition! Here's what it looks like:

Well, my husband decided to go by Good Will last night and guess what he found for $49.00?

But guess what? It was brand new, still in the box! Still wrapped in plastic! It's really cute and I was so excited that he actually shopped for baby stuff all on his own! Now ask me what I am going to do with two travel systems...oh and then ask me where I am going to store them!! =) Don't call us cheap! Just call us thrifty!

Nothing else to report. I started my online class this week. It should be...err....fun... Still no word from the social workers. I have another doctors appointment next Thursday and I'll be doing the glucose tolerance test again. I hope it doesn't give me such a buzz this time. Hope all is well with you!