Moby Heaven....

So, I decided to attend a baby wearing seminar today at a local baby shop. I had seen the Beco carrier around but BB is waaay to small for that. The lady working there showed me the Moby Wrap and I was like WHAAA? It's 500 yards of fabric! How is that supposed to work?! But once she showed me how to use it I was sold! BB is secure and comfy and falls right to sleep when in it. Of course, there is no doubt when she wants out! It is truly a hands free way to carry your baby. I would highly recommend it!

We are doing well...just very tired. AB is great and is having a birthday party next weekend. Thankfully my mom and grandmother are coming on Thursday so we'll have some help...and hopefully get some sleep! It's wonderful sleep deprivation though!

I will try to update again soon. Hope you are doing well!

No time to post...I give you pictures

She likes to call this her Elvis face!

You Cannot Lose My Love...

This song is by Christian artist Sara Groves. I heard it for the first time many years ago and promised myself that I would sing it to my children one day. I sang it to AB tonight after tucking him into bed. After I finished I looked down at him and he had tears streaming down his face. Imagine how my heart ached and overflowed at the same time.

You will lose your baby teeth.
At times, you'll lose your faith in me.
You will lose a lot of things, But you cannot lose my love.
You may lose your appetite,
Your guiding sense of wrong and right.
You may lose your will to fight, But you cannot lose my love.
You will lose your confidence. In times of trial, your common sense.
You may lose your innocence, But you cannot lose my love.
Many things can be misplaced; Your very memories be erased.
No matter what the time or space, You cannot lose my love.
You cannot lose,
You cannot lose,
You cannot lose my love.

Oh how I love my family....words can not express. My husband has amazed me more than I can say. What a giving, compassionate husband....but especially father.



This little boy is just incredible. The love I feel for him is deeper than I ever imagined. We prayed and hoped for him for a very long time. And now he's finally ours.

And this little girl...a long time in the making...and worth every thing we went through. She is

beautiful and I love her...what more can I say?

This picture speaks a thousand words. I am overwhelmed, blessed and thankful beyond words.

Wordless Wednesday

Whew!!

I am so so so very tired. I don't think I have ever been this tired in my life. Don't get me wrong. I'm loving the reason that I'm so tired! This baby is just awesome! But I'm still sooooo tired.

Sorry I haven't updated in forever. We've just been so busy. It's amazing how a sleeping baby can steal all of your time! I just want to hold her all the time. I don't, but I want to.

BB had a doctors appointment again today and her weight is up to 7 lbs 1 oz. She's grown an inch too! She's now 20.5. inches. She will be 3 weeks old tomorrow. I can't even believe the time is going by so fast. She has been doing really well, but today she had milk come out of her nose again and she kinda choked on it. Fortunately I was holding her when it happened. But of course, I am so scared to put her down to sleep. She is definitely more awake now. For example, she was awake off and on from 3 am to 6 am. Every time I put her down she would just kinda whine and of course I jump every time she makes a sound. She's wonderful though. Sweet baby girl!

AB is doing well. He's been giving us a few problems with doing homework...whining and crying, etc. Normal BS that any kid would do but my lack of sleep is making me much more irritated that I would normally be. I am trying to be patient with him but I hate whining! I know he is just seeking attention..and I'm trying to hold him and love on him as much as possible. It's kinda hard with a boy this age. He doesn't always let us love on him. But when he's ready he will come to us. My husband has been doing an amazing job. He's the best dad! He's been getting up with AB at 6 am and fixing his lunch, getting him ready for school and walking him to the bus. It's awesome. I feel bad about not getting up but I can't do it all right now. Sigh... Oh, we also put AB in an after school program (his friends are there) and hopefully this will help with the homework issue. He is supposed to do it all there before he can play. It also helps me out. It's amazing how fast 3 pm rolls around!

Ok, off to get ready for bed. More later!

Little Hands...

I just couldn't resist posting this photo. I was just about to give BB her bath...snuggling her before hand...and she put her little hand right on my face. It was a sweet moment for me. It made me feel like my baby girl was giving me some love! I love this girl!


We visited the doctor again today. BB is a moose! She weighed in at 6 lbs 8 oz. Finally above her birth weight. We are going to see an occupational therapist to see if she may have issues with her sucking. It sometimes takes an hour or more for her to finish 2 ounces. Then she is ready to eat again in 2 hours. It's almost like she's burning more calories sucking that she is taking in. We just want to make sure everything is ok.

My in laws came in today and I'm very excited. I haven't seen them in a year and a half and I love them. So, it's really great to hang out with them. I really need to go to bed. It's 1:20 am, BB will be ready to eat at 3 am and I have to get AB up for school at 6 am. Then I have an 11 am doctor's appointment for myself. Tomorrow is going to be a sleepy day! But I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Terrifying Moment

Last night around 11:45 H went to check on BB. She was in her bassinet in our room and was fine. About 2 minutes later we heard her cry ( she actually sounds more like a kitten). I thought that she was ready for a bottle so I told H that I would get her in just a second. Thankfully, he did not listen to me and went in to check on her. She had milk coming out of her nose and mouth, her lips were blue, her face was dark red and she wasn't breathing. H screamed for me, I told him to pick her up and I ran into the bedroom. I had JUST put a suction bulb in her bassinet so I grabbed her, flipped her on her belly, suctioned out her nose and mouth and finally (in a matter of seconds that felt like years) she let out a big scream. H called 911 and they were here in about 3 minutes. Thankfully they are in my neighborhood. She tested out fine, her oxygen levels were perfect, heart rate and breathing were great. But let me tell you, it scared the life out of me. We called the pediatrician on call and asked what to do about feeding her...does she need a little break? Is the new formula still ok ? Just not sure what to do. She said to just keep feeding her (we are trying to get this girl to gain weight!) and to burp her really well and to keep her upright for at least 30 minutes after she eats. I have to call our pediatrician tomorrow to fill them in and we will probably head back to see them.

I honestly do not think I have ever been more scared in all of my life. My 14 1/2 year old dog Molly is most likely on her last leg...and I was just sobbing about that. Then this happened with BB and I was sobbing about that...it was NOT a good night.

So, as you would expect, we didn't sleep very much last night. We propped her up in her boppy and put her between us just in case. I'm not pro co sleeping so it scared me that we would roll over on her. But she was fine. She is fine.

AB is fine too. I wish I could share photos of him with you. Once his adoption is final in February I will be able to. It makes me sad that I can't share more of him with you. But he is just wonderful, and thankfully he slept through the chaos last night. We didn't tell him what happened. It would upset him too much.

So, that's that! Whew!! God please keep my children safe....

Isn't She Lovely?

Isn't she lovely

Isn't she wonderful

Isn't she precious

Less than one minute old



I never thought through love we'd be

Making one as lovely as she

But isn't she lovely made from love


Isn't she pretty

Truly the angels best

Boy, I'm so happy

We have been heaven blessed

I can't believe what God has done

Through us he's given life to one

But isn't she lovely made from love

*words and lyrics by Stevie Wonder

*Who would have thought that a Stevie Wonder song could make me sob and cry like a baby. Not my baby though... she doesn't cry!

Fenugreek is the devil

Why did I ever think that breastfeeding would work like a charm for me? I should know better by now. I have been pumping since Friday and am still only getting about 10 ml per session. I saw the lactation consultant yesterday and she said I should be getting at least 2 oz per session now (60 ml). So, yeah, my milk is not coming in. She suggested that I take fenugreek, blessed thistle and a Rx of Reglan (which can cause horrible side effects). Let me say...the herbs made me feel like I was having a heart attack. It literally felt like there was an elephant sitting on my chest. I was sitting in my bedroom attached to a pump talking to one of my best friends, sobbing. I was so mad that my baby was being fed by my mother, my son was hanging out alone, and I was closed up in my bedroom missing out on loving on my children. I know that may sound a little dramatic, but it has been so difficult for me to come to terms with. If you have no milk, how can you breast feed? You can't! I want the best for my baby, who doesn't? But I can no longer fight for something that is obviously not going to work. I will continue to pump and give her what I can, but I will not take any medications/herbs to force this to work.

I told myself in the beginning that if breastfeeding didn't work that I wouldn't stress over it. But I have completely stressed out over it! I can't do that to myself and especially BB. She's too precious and deserves better than that. We all do. So, formula it is. And I'm ok with that. My baby is growing and eating and that is the most important thing.

Speaking of a baby, BB is one week old today. I still can't believe that she is actually mine. I just look at her and am filled with such awe and love. Last night I was up feeding her and thinking back over our journey. She was born almost 4 years to the date of when we started trying to have a baby. The pain and heartache that we experienced will never go away, but it is definitely dulled by having a real live baby in my arms. I still think about my first pregnancy...and how she would have been 3 years old already. I think about the 3 other angels that we lost and wonder what they would have been like if only they could have stayed with me. It makes me sad to think about and I don't often let my thoughts travel down that road. But sometimes we have to think about those things. No matter how painful. I will never understand why we had to go through it all, but I'm grateful for what we've gained by going through it.

I leave you with another photo of my beautiful baby girl (and boy).