Fenugreek is the devil

Why did I ever think that breastfeeding would work like a charm for me? I should know better by now. I have been pumping since Friday and am still only getting about 10 ml per session. I saw the lactation consultant yesterday and she said I should be getting at least 2 oz per session now (60 ml). So, yeah, my milk is not coming in. She suggested that I take fenugreek, blessed thistle and a Rx of Reglan (which can cause horrible side effects). Let me say...the herbs made me feel like I was having a heart attack. It literally felt like there was an elephant sitting on my chest. I was sitting in my bedroom attached to a pump talking to one of my best friends, sobbing. I was so mad that my baby was being fed by my mother, my son was hanging out alone, and I was closed up in my bedroom missing out on loving on my children. I know that may sound a little dramatic, but it has been so difficult for me to come to terms with. If you have no milk, how can you breast feed? You can't! I want the best for my baby, who doesn't? But I can no longer fight for something that is obviously not going to work. I will continue to pump and give her what I can, but I will not take any medications/herbs to force this to work.

I told myself in the beginning that if breastfeeding didn't work that I wouldn't stress over it. But I have completely stressed out over it! I can't do that to myself and especially BB. She's too precious and deserves better than that. We all do. So, formula it is. And I'm ok with that. My baby is growing and eating and that is the most important thing.

Speaking of a baby, BB is one week old today. I still can't believe that she is actually mine. I just look at her and am filled with such awe and love. Last night I was up feeding her and thinking back over our journey. She was born almost 4 years to the date of when we started trying to have a baby. The pain and heartache that we experienced will never go away, but it is definitely dulled by having a real live baby in my arms. I still think about my first pregnancy...and how she would have been 3 years old already. I think about the 3 other angels that we lost and wonder what they would have been like if only they could have stayed with me. It makes me sad to think about and I don't often let my thoughts travel down that road. But sometimes we have to think about those things. No matter how painful. I will never understand why we had to go through it all, but I'm grateful for what we've gained by going through it.

I leave you with another photo of my beautiful baby girl (and boy).