Keeping It Real

Disclaimer:  It is 2 am and I can't find the spell checker on this updated blogger thing. Anyone know wher eit is? Please excuse typos.

I should be sleeping...considering I have to be up in 2 hours for a flight to Kentucky. BB and I are taking our first trip together...and to be honest...I am terrified. Not of flying, but of the unknowns of  flying with a baby. I am trying to think of every scenario and have everything I'll need within arms reach on the plane. I'm not one to shy away from travelling, but this has shaken me a bit. I know we'll be fine.

My bloggy friend Marcia from South Africa has challenged me a bit today. She writes that she loves blogs that are authentic and real...not cutesy. I was in bed, trying to sleep after just feeding BB, and this just kept running through my mind. I haven't had the energy to sit and really focus on life. It's just easier to post photos and show off my precious children. SO, thanks for the challenge Marcia. Here goes....it's gonna be a long one.

The last 15 weeks have been like none I've ever experienced before. I became a mom two times over and have been clueless the majority of the time...especially when it comes to AB. Don't get me wrong, we are really doing ok and learning as we go. AB is a happy child, mainly due to his own sweet heart, and we are doing our best to give him a stable and loving home. I will say that we have all had to adjust. I've said before that for us, there has not been some magic moment where we became an instant family and it was all butterflies and rainbows. We have had wonderful moments that are building our relationship, no doubt. For instance, I told AB about a week ago that I would buy him ice cream. We have been busy and I just didn't get around to doing it. I've thought about it but haven't done it. So, today after I picked him up from school, I took him for ice cream. I told him that I didn't want to be a bad mom by promising to do something and then not doing it. He looked at me and said, "You could never be a bad mom. Even if you didn't do what you promised." See what I mean? Moments of heart swelling, overflowing, wonderful love! These little moments are what is building our family...it's what is building his trust and ours. If I allow myself to stop and remember what he's been through I can hardly stand it. I find myself busying my mind and not thinking too much about it. Is it because I'm busy or is it a defense mechanism for me? I am truly falling in love with this little boy and would fight anyone that tried to take him from me. I tell him that I love him 50 times a day. I had a mommy bracelet made with his and BB's name on it. When I showed it to him his face just lit up ( I can't wait to show you his face. He is soooo gorgeous)...like he was so in awe that I had his name on my wrist. I told him that he's always with me now and that he always will be. I am so grateful to have him. It has been challenging for all of us...for AB learning to have new parents with new rules (I monitor his TV closely, we do not have cable, he has extremely limited access to the internet, I'm very careful about movies he watches, etc.), a new sister, who he describes as a screaming baby doll, new friends, a new school..the list goes on and on . And for us, as a couple. If you think a new baby takes all of your time....you see where I'm going. And yes, I know that parents have more than one child every day.  It's just that the timing of all of this was great...and awful all at the same time. I didn't get the chance to spend time just with AB....and I didn't get the chance to spend time with just BB. We've had to learn to adjust and it's been fine. But I feel like my children, especially AB, has been cheated. I am just to thankful that AB is such a great kid. He's been in trouble a few times...what kid doesn't get in trouble? And we've taken away his beloved skateboard and video games....and I made him go to bed Sunday afternoon after having lunch with friends because he was rude and whiny at lunch. (He was tired from his campout, I get it. But I don't think that being tired is a valid excuse for anyone being rude. Hell, I haven't slept in 3 months and am not rude (well, except to my poor husband). Speaking of whining and video games, AB started crying because he couldn't figure out a game that he and H were playing. I told them to turn it off and that there are no tears in video games! Cry over something that matters! Not a stupid game! (I'm a peach, huh?) All of this to say, life is good. We are challenged in awesome ways and not so awesome ways. We are hoping to finalize AB's adoption some time in February. We've started the initial process with an attorney and hopefully it will happen then. Pretty exciting times! We are learning as we go and it's not always perfect. But we are a family now...and nothing will change that.

Being a mom to a 10 year old is quite different that being a mom to a 12 week old. First, I am stunned that BB is almost 12 weeks old. I just can not believe how quickly it goes by. I want to soak her in and just remember every moment with her. It is all I can do not to have my lips pressed to her big cheeks all day long. I love her so much that it overwhelms me. I still can't believe that she is actually mine. When I think back on all of the struggles and years of devastation, it makes me feel sick. I am one of the lucky ones...I realize that. Many of you have not been lucky....(hopefully) yet. I never thought I would be. I was talking to my husband the other night about what it would be like if I had not had BB. What if I was still in the trenches? To be honest, I don't even want to think about it. It's too dark and scary to even think about. Which of course makes me ache for what so many of you are still going through. I wish that no one had to go through infertility and miscarriage. There is much more that I want to say about this but I'll save it for another time. Let me just say that I have a new found "appreciation", if you will, for someone going through secondary infertility, especially miscarriages. My friend Kelly has had 5 miscarriages since her first child was born...I called her the other day and told her that I was sorry that I didn't realize the depth of her pain. I knew it hurt..and I knew she was devastated.  But I couldn't possibly know to what degree. Now that I have BB, and know what a positive pregnancy test can actually look like at the end, I think it would be so much more painful to have another miscarriage. Don't get mad at me...remember that I've lost 5 little ones. And it kicked my ass more than anything ever has. But now that I have seen what the outcome can be, it makes me mourn a little more for the ones that didn't make it. I always wondered what they would be like...my first loss was a girl...and now I know. That is one of the main reasons that I just don't want to get pregnant again. Fear of miscarriage, plus fear of everything else. I've hit the jackpot once....isn't that usually a once in a lifetime event?

I am so grateful that this blog has been an outlet for me over the past year and a half. It has really gotten me through some of the darkest times of my life. I've connected with people all of the world and I find myself thinking of them throughout the day. I have come across blogs that break my heart (babies that have horrible medical conditions, preemies), encourage me (too many to list), and piss me off (also too many to list....who puts a 6 week old baby in a bumbo seat anyway?! They don't even have head control!)

If you haven't figured it out yet, I am full of fire and not afraid to confront any situation. I've said it 100 times before, and if you know me in real life you'll agree. I am a loud, bossy, pain in the ass, in your face, obnoxious person that says anything that comes to mind. It amazes me every day that I can get away with it and that I have lots of friends who love me in spite of that. I'm not sure why I can get away with it! You will never wonder where you stand in my world! And I appreciate the same from those around me. I do not like people who want to be miserable all of the time. I can't stand people who want to "stir the pot" and always have some drama going on.  Life is too short!

There are lots of things that I love but don't do. I am a singer and am happiest when I'm surrounded by music. Before moving to Texas, I was on worship teams at a couple of different churches. I miss singing more that I can say and I hope to get involved again one day soon. I love to play the piano, although I'm not very good. I also love to be surrounded by lots of people. It energizes me! That is one thing I miss about my hometown. Don't get me wrong...I have the most amazing friends here. But it's not the huge group like I used to have. When I moved away from Alabama, I had a going away party, and 100 people came! It was so much fun and I was blown away. I miss those friends but I know that, even if I moved back,  it would never be the same.

I had all of these thoughts running through my head and now they escape me. I'll post more once my brain catches up. Might be sometime next year. I might even get thank you cards sent out by then

Oh, that reminds me...I am stunned daily by the generosity of our family and friends. Not only for BB's birth, but for AB's adoption. He has received so many wonderful gifts and I can not thank them enough. And to my closest friends (K, D, G, K) who spend time with him. It means more than you know! He is gaining a sense of permanency and seeing you on a regular basis helps so much! Thank you!

Ok, one hour til I have to be up. Debating on just staying up. Might regret it in a few hours.