Still Spotting

Looks like I'm gearing up for yet another inject/IUI cycle. Joy to the world! The spotting slacked off yesterday but it's getting heavier as the day goes on. I'm pretty sure this cycle is a bust. So, I'll be back in the stirrups again next week. It's interesting that on my last medicated cycle I ovulated 3 eggs and all fertilized. I most likely had at least 3 this time too and it looks like none of them did this time. Our bodies are so weird. It is so hard to try and decide what to do next, you know? I mean, even if we had all the money in the world, I don't know that I could just keep going and going and going. I know there are people out there that have done IVF 7, 8, 9 times. I just don't know that I have it in me. I guess I don't have to worry about it since I don't have about $100,000 sitting around. How does anyone have that kind of money?

On the adoption front....we are still wading through the paperwork. We've had some deep conversations about it lately. We aren't exactly on the same page with everything...so I'm not sure what is going to happen. Everything feels like it's in limbo right now.

I'll let you know what's going on Friday. I will do a HPT and then go for blood work. It can't get here soon enough. All we infertiles seem to do is wait!

( I just mistyped "infertile" and it came out "Infertilite". Maybe that's what we should start calling ourselves!)

Spotting...

I am 11 days past ovulation and started spotting this morning. It could be my period coming or it could be a fluke thing. I feel inclined to go with the period theory. That doesn't explain why I've been feeling nauseous but I don't have the energy to focus on that. So, we wait until Friday to know for sure. If I'm not pregnant we have to figure out pretty quickly if we are going right into another cycle. Or if it's best to go to with IVF again. I was such a weenie with my first IVF that the thoughts of doing it again just make me miserable. It's not an easy thing to deal with, as many of you know. Too many shots!! Stupid Lupron headaches! Plus blood work and having a needle shoved through your vagina into your ovaries to snatch out your eggs. Sounds more fun that Disney, huh? Actually, Disney would be MUCH cheaper and a heck of alot more fun!
I'm really not terribly upset at the thought of this cycle not working. I will be disappointed, of course, but not devastated. I've been here too many times to let my emotions get the best of me yet again. I'll keep you posted.

To PGD or not to PGD...

Let me ask you a question. What do you think of PGD (pre-genetic diagnosis)? I know there are many good things about it, like finding out if your child will have some horrible disease. But you can also determine the gender of your future children before they are put in the womb. I was reading a blog earlier and this couple did IVF/PGD. They found that one embryo had Downs Syndrome and some other ones had other various issues. The 3 they put back in were healthy and there were 2 girls and a boy. Is it just me or does this make anyone else feel weird? I mean, we are already playing God by forcing our bodies to do things they clearly don't want to do. Then we take an embryo and pluck out a cell? What if that cell was meant for something important...like the top of the head? I know we all want our children to be healthy, but is it really fair to say who goes back in and who doesn't?

My neighbor is 20+ weeks pregnant and they had their big ultrasound today. They found some issue with the baby's intestines that is a marker for Downs Syndrome...echogenic bowel. Of course she is upset at the thought of her child going through life with a disability. But she turned down the amnio because it didn't matter. She will love this child if it's born "normal" or not.

I really just don't know how I feel about it. I would greatly appreciate your input. My RE gave me the option of doing IVF/PGD but even she doesn't recommend it/like it.

2 WW and Adoption Update

Hello everyone! How ya doin? We had some major computer problems this weekend so I'm sorry I haven't updated in a few days. We actually got a new computer out of the deal. And it's FAST!! I'm loving it!

I had a fun weekend. My friend Keri and I had a girls day all day Saturday! A girls day plus her baby! He was the best baby all day long. He didn't make a sound other than to laugh! My dogs were rough housing and he just cackled laughing. The sweetest sound ever. We both talked about how we felt so carefree! It was great.

We had our first home walk through this morning with our social worker. She wanted to make sure that we didn't have any guns or knives lying around, etc. I was talking to her about my struggles and she told me that she understood..she's been there too. She is pregnant for the 3rd time with no baby. She was actually going to her first ultra sound appointment today. This is the farthest she has ever progressed so she is nervous. Unfortunately, I completely understand.

I've been thinking alot about adoption and what it would be like to be a parent. The thought of bringing a child into your life and home is a bit daunting! I'm sure it feels the same way when you give birth. It's just that these kids we are looking to adopt have been through so much already. They have been abused and/or neglected and have such trust issues. Heck! Who wouldn't? I don't worry that I wouldn't love the child enough, I worry more about being the kind of parent that she will need. And that Heath and I won't be able to get it together to give her what she needs. Ugh... We have alot to discuss before our home study is done. And what if I get pregnant? Will it progress and equal a baby? If it does, what happens to our adoption plans? If it doesn't what happens to our adoption plans? If I'm not pregnant, what's our next step? Do we pursue more treatments? What kind? More injectibles? IVF, again? If we do another IVF cycle, that will wipe out our insurance benefits. I'm not complaining! (See last post). We have no options without insurance. Do I use the rest of our benefits on injectible/IUI's? What would you do?

I just wish I had a stopping point in sight. I need a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm getting too old for this!

I am 10 days into my 2 WW. I have had a few "symptoms"...but you know as well as I do that it could mean something..or it could mean nothing. I've been nauseous a few times and my nipples have been doing weird tingly things. TMI? Ha! It's only going to get worse! I'm also taking/inserting those bastardly progesterone vaginal suppositories. ( I don't want to say that I'm taking them, because, well, hello!!) It's better than those bastardly shots in the butt! More like goop and itchiness in the butt crack! You know what I'm talking about!! If I get pregnant I will have to take them for weeks and weeks. I have progesterone issues. Big surprise! My list of reproductive issues is growing by leaps and bounds!! My girly bits are definitely NOT earning their keep! I have decided not to test early. Kelly can't believe that I can actually wait that long to test! I just don't want to waste the money and I don't want to go through that emotional BS that comes with testing. I have one digital test that was free with my OPK's a few months ago. So, I'm waiting to use that. I test Friday. Wish me luck!

Hmmmm.....

What a busy week I've had! The adoption classes went well. We took the first 2 this week and will take the next 2 in November. We learned alot about how these children have issues bonding and trusting. It's all very sad...but there is such a need out there. Especially for these older children. We know a couple that adopted a 10 year old girl from the same agency we are using. I saw them today and asked if it would be ok to talk to their daughter about her experience. They said absolutely! We are going to try set up a date to get together. I told the girl that we were trying to adopt a little girl about her age and her whole face just lit up! Talk about a great resource to have. These kids are smart! Kids that age have great insight and we can learn tons from them! I'm excited! Oh, and I decided not to have a my TB test done this week. I've been told it's safe to get it done during pregnancy (still not sure if I am) but with my history, I don't want to take any chances. Anyone out there know for sure?

I have survived the first week of my 2 week wait. I know it's too early for symptoms so I'm not looking for any. I had been working out pretty hard about 5-6 times a week. I decided to stop everything until I know for sure if I'm knocked up. I'm also trying to maintain my weight. Not an easy task! I think that's harder than losing it! I am still walking my dogs every day so at least I am getting some movement in!! My girls are having some great success in the weight loss arena! I'm so proud of them! Sweet Keri apologized today for losing a significant amount of weight this week. I said, "Don't ever apologize!! You earned every single pound! I'm happy for you!!" You go girl!!

I had another job interview today. It seems like a great job but we'll just have to wait and see. It's a tough market out there!

I read several blogs of women who got pregnant after I did this last time. They are now in their 20th weeks of pregnancy and have just found out the genders. I keep thinking about how far along I would have been with my twins...if only I hadn't lost them. Those reminders really suck. Hopefully I"ll have a new due date in mind before too long! Maybe it's the time of year I was getting pregnant. First time in August, 2nd time in May, 3rd time in May. ??? Is there something about the summertime? Ugh...who knows.

Remember my friend Kelly in Alabama...who has lost 4 pregnancies? Well, she had her first RE appointment yesterday. She was really excited and relieved that someone was going to help her. They took a few gallons of blood from her and her husband and will do all kinds of tests. He wants them to take a break until all of this bloodwork comes back. Then they will figure out a course of treatment. She's going to have an HSG done as well. I've had 2 and they aren't bad. The 2nd one caused some cramping but I've had worse period cramps. SO! Let's all wish them well!!

Let me give a shout out to all of you folks who are going through fertility treatments. Regardless if you just started or if you are a pro already! In an ideal world everyone would have insurance to pay for their treatments and no one would have lifetime maximums! I know many of you are trying to figure out how you are going to afford it. Especially IVF. Apparently, at my clinic, one injectable cycle/IUI runs around $2500. I don't even think that covers medication. So, roughly $3,000 a month? I don't know about you, but I don't have that kind of money lying around! We are a few of the fortunate couples who has awesome insurance coverage through the hub's job. Please let me assure you, we DO NOT take this for granted. We talked the other day about what we would do if we didn't have insurance. We decided there wouldn't be much we could do...especially if we want to retire one day. So, please know that I think about you folks paying out of pocket...and for those of you who can't afford to. I think it's a shame that fertility treatments aren't covered. They will pay for abortions and sterilization surgery but not for helping you have a baby. I could go on for days...but I will spare you. I wish I had enough money to pay for you all...if I could only win the lottery!

I hope you have a smashing week and that all of your lady parts earn their keep!!

Smooch!!

Where's the good news?

I just got an email from my friend Tanya in Alabama (that's where I'm from). She found out a few weeks ago that she was pregnant. (This was her 2nd pregnancy...she miscarried about 2 months ago. ) They found out today, on their 2nd wedding anniversary no less, that she has lost baby #2. I'm so sick of bad things happening to people! Please keep her and her husband Jason in your prayers/thoughts.

Uncertainty

Isn't it amazing how little certainty we have in life? Some things are always certain...death and taxes, right? But others? Not so much... In our quest to have a child, some of us may never get pregnant, some of us may get pregnant numerous times and have numerous miscarriages...some of us may carry a child to near term just to be blindsided with a stillborn baby. Just because we get pregnant does not mean that we will have a healthy baby at the end. I read many blogs that are just so sad. My friend Kellye asks me all the time, "Leah, how can you read those blogs? It's just too sad!". And I agree...it is too sad. No one should have to go through what some of you go through. But I can't stop...I need to read to give my support to their grief. A grief that I can't possibly understand...and hope none of us ever have to. I wish that pregnancy could be a happy time for us. I'm not sure why we got hand picked to go through so much crap...but I guess it's our burden to bear.

We went to the first of 4 adoption classes last night. I really dreaded going...especially after my meltdown at the picnic last week. It was actually really great to get more information. I am looking forward to the remaining classes. We watched a video and in the beginning it talked about physical abuse. It showed pictures of children's legs and back sides that were just covered in huge bruises and cuts. I can't imagine the beating it took to put those bruises on a little body. How can anyone do that to a child? It absolutely disgusts me. These children will have to deal with that for the rest of their lives. I just want to be able to give a child a safe haven to live in. I want them to know that we will always take care of them and will never abuse them. It just makes me sick to my stomach.

In reading blogs I have noticed a trend with us infertile folks. When a friend/family member announces their pregnancy the first response often seems to be an emotional meltdown...and deep jealousy...and sadness. How dare they get so easily what I've worked so hard for. One blog writer was reading another blog and got so angry at this girl for getting pregnant with only one cycle of Clomid. She was angry at this girl for planning her nursery and buying baby clothes in the first trimester. She even secretly wished that something bad would happen just so the girl could know what it's really like. And guess what? The girl had a loss late in her 2nd trimester.
And the blog writer never felt more horrible.

I found myself doing this exact thing at our meeting last night. There was a couple there who has already picked the child they want to adopt and they are certain that they will get him. I just wanted to shake them and ask why they were being so naive! Just because we want a child doesn't mean we will get him! I wanted to tell them not to get their hopes up! There could be 10 families looking at this boy! But that is not my place. Who am I to take their hope from them? They have been through their own struggles with miscarriage and adoption. They have been waiting on a referral for a China adoption for 2 years and have all but given up. Why do we do this? What right do we have to wish ill will on anyone? This is why infertiles are crazy.

I wish I had something fun to report...but I'm in a waiting phase right now. I am going in tomorrow for a TB test...part of adoption requirements. Oh, and my case worker wants to do an initial walk through of our house next Monday. I guess I'll be in cleaning mode this weekend. Still in the wait to see if this cycle worked. Still looking for a job.

One more thing....please keep Kelly Y in your prayers. She has her first RE appointment tomorrow. That initial appointment is always so tough and scary. Let's pray that they can find some answers to her recurrent miscarriages.