Over one more hurdle

I had more blood work done today. I was supposed to go in on Friday but decided to go in today instead. Everything looks good. My hcg was 2177, up from 111. I was very very pleased with this number. My progesterone went down a bit, as well as my estrogen. Not sure what the doc will want to do about this. I should hear something tomorrow. I've got about 5 bazillion hurdles to jump over with this pregnancy. I am just grateful for the good news so far! We will probably schedule an ultrasound for some time next week. maybe the next. I am 5-ish weeks today. Not sure when we will change weeks since I don't know when I ovulated. Hopefully the ultrasound will be great and we will see a heartbeat. I'm already getting nervous about it! Yikes!!

Happy New Year all!

Ignorance Is Bliss

Some women have no issues getting pregnant, no issues during pregnancy, have perfectly healthy babies, and don't think twice about it. The less you know, the less you have to worry about. Take my sister for instance. She has 3 children. Once she saw that positive pregnancy test there was no doubt that a baby would be there 9 months later. She never worried that she might miscarry. She never looked for blood on tp or tried to eat right and stay away from things like caffeine. Heck, during her last pregnancy, diet coke was her drink of choice! And sure enough, 9 months later she gave birth to her perfectly healthy children.

I am not the least bit ignorant of what could happen...what has happened. I hate so much that the enjoyment of pregnancy has been robbed from me. Instead of dreaming of what my child will be like and how wonderful it will be to bring a life into this world I'm worrying about doubling betas and not bleeding. And making sure I do everything the doctors are telling me to do. To avoid aerobic activity and not lift anything over 20 pounds.

Nothing can be easy apparently. My friend Keri has a friend named Christy. She has had 2 miscarriages and is now pregnant for the 3rd time, with twins, via IVF. First, she had a HORRIBLE case of OHSS. She has been bleeding pretty much since she got her positive test. She is 17 weeks along and has been on bed rest the entire time. Yesterday she went to brush her teeth and realized that half of her face was paralyzed. Long story short, she has Bell's Palsy. 98 out 100 people who have it will make a full recovery. She is worried that she will be one of those 2. Can you blame her? I tell you, it's just not fair.

I have had some very light pink, I wouldn't even call it spotting, on the tp when going to the bathroom. Of course, I'm freaking out. Keri says it's completely normal especially since I am doing the vag. progesterone supps. twice a day. Apparently that can cause irritation. I guess as long as there is no bright red blood there is no cause for immediate concern. Well, even if there is, there is nothing I can do about it. Maybe it's the whole idea of have absolutely no control over the situation that is so hard. I can't figure it out. For now, all we can do it wait.

Thanks

Thanks for your support bloggy friends. I really appreciate it! I was just freaking out a little and needed you guys! Nothing too much going on at the moment. I was so exhausted this morning that I stayed in bed until 11:30. I have had nausea off and on today too. I would like to think it's a good thing but I had it with my last pregnancy too. And, well, we all know how that ended. I'm just trying to remind myself that nothing means anything. And these damn prog. suppositories? They make me freak out because I keep feel something....you know like when your period starts? So, every time I go to the bathroom I am praying there is no blood. I'm 5 days into this and it already feels like a lifetime.

My friend Kelly, over at talking tummies, is driving in tomorrow from Birmingham for a visit! I am so excited that she and her daughter is coming! It's a long drive for her but I couldn't be more excited. I hope she will stay the whole week!

Anybody out there?

Ok, so I post about random, stupid things and get comments. I announce this and I can hear crickets chirping! =) I'm guessing you feel how I would feel if I saw a fellow infertile announce her surprise pregnancy. A little pissed, alot bitter. Ok, alot pissed. But, that's just me. I know it's always hard to hear. I've been there done that for years now. I hope you can dig deep and somehow be a little happy for me. After all, I've lost 4 babies and been through the wringer with fertility treatments.... ugh. And I'm by no means out of the woods yet. If this goes right I'll be due some time in September. That's a LONG way from now. I just need you guys to hold my hand right now. This is a scary time and every passing day means success or failure. There's no way to know.

On a good note, my HCG more than doubled in 48 hours. Today it was 111! And my progesterone rose from 18 to 36. That's a relief too. Looks like I'll be taking twice daily doses of the lovely progesterone suppositories. I'll do whatever it takes. Plus, they aren't nearly as bad as PIO shots! I'll go back for bloodwork in one week to check everything again. It's gonna be a LONG week.

I am in a strange place right now. I'm not the girl who gets pregnant! It's such a mind battle for me to even think about it. I really appreciate you all and am praying for the day that we all hold little ones (or not so little ones, we still want to adopt our 6 year old!) in our arms. However they come to you, they will be the blessing of a lifetime. I'll be your cheerleader 'til the end!

Lab Results

So, I got my blood work from Wednesday back this morning. My HCG is 48, progesterone 18.5, and estradiol 282. It's not the highest number in the world but it's ok. As long as it doubles in today's blood work, I'll feel better. I started taking prog. suppositories on Wednesday night just in case. I'm glad I did! I would hate for that number to fall. It can fall fast and hard and then bleeding commences. Ugh... Let's just pray that I don't see any of that until next year some time! I have NO idea when I ovulated. When I have ovulated in the past it's been around CDs 18-20. Could be earlier, could be later. Who the heck knows?

I swear, this is the craziest thing. I'm not really wound up about anything. I know that it is completely out of my hands. I've been through this enough times to know even when everything looks stellar that the outcome can be bad. And when everything looks terrible, the outcome can be good. There is nothing I can do to make this pregnancy stick around and really not too much I can do to make it end. I can do everything in my power (rest, no caffeine, eat right, obvious things like don't do drugs!!) and that's all I can do. It's in God's hands. I just pray that he will mold this little ball of cells into a beautifully and wonderfully made little human being. I'll update later with today's blood work.

You will NEVER believe this!!!

Merry Christmas to Me!

So, let me tell you story. As you know, I took this cycle off to regroup after our last miserable failure. Since my period isn't here yet and I haven't been spotting, Keri (my nurse/friend) told me to go ahead and test. I used a regular old test this afternoon and it was negative. Well, I came back a few minutes later (10-15) and saw a positive. But, I figured it was an evap. line since I waited so long. Keri was coming over and told me she would bring me some digital tests that she had. And what do you know?! It said pregnant! Now, you can imagine my surprise! 40 months of trying and 24 months of working with an RE. Now, I seem to have gotten knocked up on my own. Who Knew?!? Do I feel excited? Well, not so much. This is only half the battle. This is my 4th pregnancy so you can imagine that I'm a little gun shy. I'm thankful, more than you know, that I got this far. It's really, really early and I'm not going to breathe a sigh of relief until a baby is born and in my arms. I had a lab slip in my car so Keri wrote orders on it for me and I went to the hospital lab to have blood drawn tonight. Unfortunately the lab won't be open tomorrow so I have to wait until Friday for results. I'll let you know as soon as I get them.

Oh, and get this. I haven't been taking prenatal vitamins and I've had enough Diet Coke to drown a horse. Plus, I was on a plane last week! I feel like that has been my downfall with the last 2 pregnancies. So let's just keep everything crossed that this will all be ok!

This is sooooo nerve wracking! Please say prayers/send good vibes that everything will be ok and this will be the one that makes it! It's been a long, hard road.

Then She Found Me....

Kelly over at Talking Tummies called me last night and told me about this movie that I just HAD to watch. I tell you....she was right. It's called "Then She Found Me". It was on my cable's movies on demand channel. I have never heard of it but if you get the chance to see it, please do! I went from laughing one minute to sobbing the next. For anyone dealing with infertility and/or adoption, it will tug at your heart strings.

Nothing new in my world. Still no sign on AF. Part of me wants to be hopeful that I have a Christmas miracle but then the realistic side kicks in and makes me remember how much it takes for me to even ovulate. Sigh...I may test tomorrow, just to be sure.

We got an email back from our social worker telling us that the little girl we are interested in possibly adopting may not be available. Her photo is out there but something weird is going on with her profile. It's really hard not to get attached to these photos. She loves music and loves to sing. I've already thought about how fun it would be to teach her piano lessons. I HAVE to stop doing this to myself. I want to get my hopes up but I can't. So, we will just wait to hear from her.

I hope you have a Merry Christmas. Let's make the most of it even though we don't have what we want the most. If only Santa could bring us babies!!

We Are Approved!

We got the official word that our home study was approved and we are now licensed to be an adoptive home. And it only took us 4.5 months! I still can't believe we are walking down this road. I'm excited but scared to death at the same time. We need to make a family book to give to the prospective child. We also need to write a letter to the case workers of the children so we can "stand out"! It will be wonderful and I can't wait to be a mommy. I have no idea how long it will take but it seems more certain than popping one out on my own.

Speaking of which, I'm on cycle day 32 and still no sign of my monthly visitor. My cycles vary so I really can't pinpoint when I'll start. I had some spotting on Thursday and thought for sure that it was coming. Nothing since. Arrgghhh.... If I haven't started by CD 36 I'll test. I'm not expecting anything though. Well, other than to start my period and get this party started again. Meds are sitting in my fridge waiting to be injected!

Oh, that reminds me. I spent a good bit of time with my BFF Wendy this week(we've been friends for 19 years). Her mother Debbi and grandmother Big Mimi are convinced that I'm supposed to adopt and then I'll get pregnant. To help me along, Debbi sent me home with a pair of earrings and a necklace charm of Kokopelli. I was instructed to wear them both until I have a baby. Them I'm to send them back to her. Ever heard of Kokopelli? He's a fertility deity in certain Native American/ Aztec groups. He is said to carry unborn children on his back and distribute them to women. (Seriously! Check it out on wikipedia!) If only he existed in real life. RE's would be out of business! ANYWAY! I thought it was very sweet and hey, why not? I'm all for trying anything at this point. Would you wear it?

I finally made it home last night around 11:30. My flight was delayed in Houston for almost 3 hours. I could have driven home in the amount of time I had to wait on the plane to arrive! I was really glad to be home. I love my family but HOLY HELL! They are crazy! Between my sister being manic and mean and my grandmother wanting to off herself anytime someone remotely challenges anything she says, it was quite the eventful week. Plus my nieces and nephew are wild and try to tear each other limb from limb while their mother doesn't even seem to notice. My sister and I couldn't be more different. I like structure and organization. I expect respect from children and am not afraid to discipline them. I found out that time out works wonders even on an 11 year old! My sister just sits on the couch and frowns all day. Depression anyone? I could go on for days but I'll spare you. Let's just suffice it to say that it was an insane week.

Ugh...

It's been a while, huh? I'm in Alabama visiting my family and friends. And I honestly have to say that my friends are much more fun. That's horrible, I know. It's just that my sister is such a difficult person. She's pissed if I'm around her and she's pissed if I'm not. I'll give you more updates later. I'll be home late Sunday night. Is all of this family visiting better than a sharp stick in the eye? Just barely...

P.S. We are waiting, impatiently, for our home study approval. Hopefully we will get word tomorrow and can submit an interest! Cross your fingers!

Home Study is DONE!

Well, most of it's done. Our case worker is interviewing hubs as we speak. I had my individual interview then we had our combined one over dinner. Now they are doing his. I was banished to the office. =) It was not too bad. I feel like I answered the same questions as I did for all the paper work that we submitted. It went by fairly quickly! So, now we wait...again. Once the home study is officially typed up, etc., we can submit an interest of a child. Then we wait....again. Hopefully this process won't take too long. I'd like to have a child before I'm 40!

You know, I actually can't believe how quickly everything has gone by. We were so scared of going through all of this but it hasn't been that bad. I think our case worker made all the difference. She is an awesome person and makes us feel so comfortable. Let's see how difficult it's going to be moving forward. Hopefully it won't be difficult at all! I'm ready for something to happen without a fight!

It's Snowing!! In Texas!!

(Mandy...this is for you! I know it's not 30 below zero with 10 feet of snow like it is up in Minnesota but it's frikin snowing in Austin! )

So, today we broke a record with our 81 degree high. This cold front blew through about 3 pm and the temp dropped about 20 degrees in an hour. We went to dinner around 7:30 and it was sleeting. I just looked outside and this is what I found! Big puffy snow flakes! I can see it now...people are storming the grocery stores for milk and bread! I'm sure some knucklehead will try to call out from work tomorrow due to the snow!! Ha!!

Here is the forecast: TONIGHT'S AUSTIN AREA WEATHER FORECAST:
Sleet and snow overnight in Austin. Some may stick to grassy areas, but since roadways are still quite warm from Tuesday's 81 degree high temperature, slick roads are not expected. Precipitation will likely end before sunrise.
LOW: 31°

P.S. Oh, notice the snow on the palm tree?

P.P.S or is it P.S.S?? Go ahead... laugh at me! I know it's just a few snow flakes but it's just crazy for it to happen here!! =)

Leah, pull yourself together!

Isn't it "interesting" how dealing with infertility makes us a bunch of bitches? I hear stories of women who have tried and tried to get pregnant! I read a blog the other day that said something like "We tried for 8 long months and FINALLY! We are pregnant!" Or hearing about women who got pregnant on their 3rd cycle of Clomid...and it was such a long, tedious journey, and FINALLY, after all this time, we are FINALLY pregnant! In my bitchy brain I just want to smack them for being so naive. But haven't they gone through struggles as well? Sure, they haven't been through what some of us have. And I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But why do I feel this way about it? Is it jealousy, that they had a relatively easy time getting and staying pregnant? I can't pinpoint it. Do you go through the same emotions as me?

When I got pregnant in May I was following 2 bloggers that got pregnant right after I did. Now they are only a few short weeks away from delivering their babies. Me? I'm gearing up for even MORE treatment and having new reproductive issues pop up at every turn. It just makes me mad! Not at them, but at what I'm dealing with. It just sucks. Plus, I'm getting older! I'll be 36 this summer. That's considered advanced maternal age. What the crap? I just want to kick and scream.

Have you ever read this blog: http://www.tertia.org/so_close/
This woman lives in South Africa and has been through SOOO much. She has a set of IVF twins but she went through hell and back to get them. I think she's been pregnant 7 or 8 times. You'll have to read her back story. You can do so here: http://www.tertia.org/so_close/2008/11/not-exactly-a-s.html
Anyway, she has had late losses, early losses, etc., and been through IVF about 500 times. Well, just before her 40th birthday, she found out that she was pregnant. Surprise! At the moment, she is 15 weeks pregnant and all is well. Now, this woman? I can be happy for!

I guess I just need to realize that my brain and body is just all jacked up! I feel like I need a good smack in the face, a good shake, and for someone to tell me to GET IT TOGETHER!!

Softball!

Here are some pics from the 1st softball game of the season. It's a team from my RE's office and since I'm friends with everyone, they asked me to play. Since I suck at anything sports related, hubs decided he would play instead. He's really good! I realized that in the 5 years I've known him that I've never seen him play sports. I've seen him snow ski, which I find VERY sexy, but never seen anything else. I was quite impressed with him! Anyway, I digress...
It was cold out last night! Well, cold for Texas. It was around 40 degrees when the game started. Notice how everyone is all bundled up! This is a great group of people and I'm blessed to have them in my life!

Here's me and my handsome man!

Muscle Aches and Heart Pain

Funny that I don't have too much to write about when not consumed with fertility treatments. I have just been trying to keep myself occupied, waiting on the next big thing to happen. I am looking forward to starting school in January. It will definitely keep me occupied. I'm heading to Alabama next Saturday for a week with my family. It will be insane and stressful, but I will be glad to see them. I hope that I don't start my period while I'm there. I'm "supposed" to start the week of Christmas ( I can never really pinpoint the day) and I'll be home on the 21st. We decided that if I start while I'm out of town that we will just begin treatments in January. If I am home when I start, we will begin treatments with this next cycle. Who the heck knows?

Remember me telling you that I was going to get back on the wagon with my weight loss and exercise? Doing pretty well with it. I did a body pump class at the gym on Monday and couldn't walk until Wednesday (quad pain....oh the quad pain!). Then decided to do an aerobics class last night and most likely won't be able to walk until Sunday (calf pain, oh the calf pain!). I'm beginning to think this trying new things is for the birds! I need to work out but I'm in pain so I feel like it gives me an excuse not to. I'm such a wimp! I will continue to work out and press on, but I can't promise I'll stop whining about it any time soon!!

Our social worker rescheduled our home study for this Wednesday night. She will come to my house at 5:00 p.m. and do my individual interview. Hubs will be home by 6:00 p.m. Then she will interview us together and the do his separately. I'm ready to get the ball rolling on this. Once that is complete and submitted (she likes to have them completed within 1 week) we will be able to submit an interest form on the children we have in mind. I came across another girl that we are very interested in. She is 6 years old and is so cute. But, we could be one of 50 families looking at her. I hope not, but we'll just have to wait and see. WAIT WAIT WAIT. (heart pain....oh the heart pain!)

Nothing too exciting happening over the weekend. I'm getting my wig did tomorrow. (An old co-worker friend of mine used to say this when referring to getting her hair styled. It's stuck with me for years now!) I LOVE getting my hair cut/colored. I haven't seen my natural color in years. No idea what color it even is at this point! I think I'm going a little bit darker with the color...you know, warm it up for winter....well, as much of a winter as we get here in central Texas!

Nothing Interesting....

We were supposed to have our home study today but we got a call at 9:00 this morning saying that our social worker was out sick and that we need to reschedule. Crap. So, we are not sure when that will be. Of course, the house was clean, I made lunch ahead of time and had everything in place. I can do it again, but we were really looking forward to the next step.

We had a quiet Thanksgiving weekend. We went to some not so close friend's house on Thursday. It was nice but nothing like friends and family.

I'm back on the horse with my diet and exercise routine. Hubs and I went to a Body Pump class tonight and we basically lifted weights for 1 hour. It was a cool class but my arms, even my fingers, are shaking. I literally had noodle legs coming down the stairs at the gym and almost fell. Nice, huh? I'm trying really really hard to get these last 35 ish pounds off. That still leaves me technically "overweight" but at this point I don't give a damn. I just want to be healthy and I have a number in mind. I'm truly more worried about my insides being healthy. I have a friend who is about 25 pounds overweight and she was telling me that she's so fat that she can't even walk up a flight of stairs without getting winded. I told her that she needs to start worrying more about being fit than being thin. I am a lot bigger than her and have no problems at all walking up stairs. I did a year ago, but since I've been working out on a regular basis it's not biggie anymore. Being thin does not equal being healthy. You know what I mean? Why do we as women get so caught up on what the scale says?

I am heading to Birmingham to see my family in 2 weeks. I'm looking forward to it but it will be very stressful. Ugh...

Nothing else...just wanted to give you a quick update.