Anxiety

Sometimes the anxiety I feel about this pregnancy is crushing. I know in my head that the chances of everything being ok are higher than everything not being ok...for normal women anyway. There is no reason to believe that this is not going to be fine. Other than the fact that I've had many first trimester losses. This is uncharted territory for me and I just simply do not know what to do with myself. I really wish that I could get to a point where I am relaxing and enjoying being pregnant. But honestly, this has been the most terrifying ordeal! I pray non-stop that BB is ok! I know the stress isn't good for the baby but there is no relaxing and no changing it. I've tried it all! Even weekly heartbeat checks still had me incredibly anxious. Maybe I just need to stop reading blogs for a while. Horror stories are few, but they stick to me like glue.

I think I may have felt her move on Tuesday night. I was lying in bed being really still, praying like mad that I could feel her. All of a sudden I felt these little taps...and then bursting bubbly things. Of course, I haven't felt it since. I know that's normal but I keep willing her to give me a good kick so I know she's ok.

Oh, and, the nausea has kicked back in pretty regularly. Every time I eat I get it. Of course that has me freaked out because I don't know if something else is going on. I have read all kinds of stories where women have stomach aches and then tragedy sets in. I really just want to bury my head in the sand until September 2.

I have my 20 week appointment next Thursday and I'm anxiously awaiting hearing the heartbeat again. I have my official Anatomy scan on the 22nd. For me to be such a tough, mouthy chick, it's amazing how this reduces me to a whimpering moron!

So, all of that to say...if you think about me, please pray for my sanity. Please pray that I will be encouraged and that BB will be ok. Please pray that I start feeling her on a regular basis really soon. I HATE THIS!!! I am so happy to be pregnant and feel so blessed. It's the fear, worry and anxiety that I hate!

And one more thing...I did talk to our social worker this week. AB's social worker wants us to have our home study updated before we can even schedule this big meeting with everyone. I don't know why she couldn't have told us that 2 weeks ago. Irritated is too mild a word to use at this point. They are supposed to be updated every 6 months. Ours was updates less than 3 months ago. Seems pointless, huh? Our SW will come to our house next Friday and update the study. So, we continue to wait. More anxiety!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!