Pissiness

I have just been in the most foul mood today. I'm not sure why but EVERYTHING is irritating me. Some things irritate me on a regular basis but today? Even the weather is pissing me off .

I'll just list them...just to get it off of my chest.

1. Pregnant women who write on their blog that their babies move ALL DAY LONG EVERY DAY ALL DAY! How is this possible? Babies do sleep from time to time!

2. Seeing women obsess over how dark the line is on a pregnancy test. I know... I know...they can do whatever they want to. But today it is irritating me.

3. People who are completely oblivious to those around them. It's like they walk around in a daze and don't care if they pull out in front of you while driving, cut you off in the grocery store, etc. Which leads me to my next point.

4. Rude and inconsiderate people. Like standing in the doorway having a conversation with your friends when 500 people are trying to get out of the same doorway.

5. People who drive under the speed limit in the left lane.

What is wrong with me? I haven't felt like myself in such a long time and I am growing weary from it. I'm sure those around me are too. I am so grateful to be pregnant and to be able to experience everything that goes with it. The aches and pains are tolerable and I really have no complaints about them. But I have been consumed with worry since the moment I got a positive pregnancy test. My history has me terrified, and then I had the massive bleeding in the beginning. Since that resolved, I really have nothing going on. I've had an easy pregnancy. But I am just completely terrified every moment of every day. When the baby isn't moving, unlike those other women who feel their babies move 24 hours a day, I get freaked out. I pray non-stop that she is ok. I haven't even allowed myself to think about actually giving birth. I guess because it is so hard to imagine that the outcome will be good. I tell myself 1000 times a day that women do this every day and their outcome is good. Surely mine will be.

I have a plastic bin full of clothes that my sister gave me from my niece. I can't even bring myself to wash them and get them ready for the baby. I need to wash new things that people have given her too. I've tried several times just to get the bin out of the closet but I can't do it. Not yet. My mother in law called the other day telling me about the wonderful things she has found for the baby. All I could think about was saving the tags and receipts. How horrible is that? I hate being like this but I just can't shake it. I'm terrified that something is going to go terribly wrong. I have found myself pulling away from my friends and even my husband. I really just want to crawl into a hole and stay there. I know this baby will come and most likely she will be fine. But I've been on the bad side of statistics so many times that it's hard to imagine something good happening.

Please say a prayer for me and my sanity. I feel so robbed that I can't enjoy what will be my only pregnancy. I want to connect to this little life inside of me. And I DO feel those moments of joy when watching my belly move. But she deserves more than moments. She deserves my whole heart and every ounce of love I have. I'm trying...I really am.

Also, please say a prayer for our little boy AB. We felt very hopeful (last week) that we would have our initial meeting the week of July 27. As of today, nothing has been scheduled. Apparently the social worker is waiting on his guardian to confirm her schedule to make sure she can make it to the meeting. I actually called AB's social worker today and got the run around. I reminded her that I can not travel after July 27 and that it wasn't fair to make AB wait until after the baby comes. If our first meeting can't be until after the baby comes that pushes us back to October before we can even have our first meeting. This is stressing me out!!

Thanks for sticking with me. I am not usually such a negative person but I just can't help it today.