Is Halloween really that Happy?

Here I sit, on the computer, jumping up every time the doorbell rings. There are the cutest kids and babies all over the place. I love seeing them, I do. But we should be out there taking our kids to gather 100 pounds of candy. We should be the ones having fun with our little ones and picking out costumes. Why does everything have to be hindered by f-ing infertility? I hate it more and more every day. I hate how it reminds us of what we don't have...and that no amount of money, begging, pleading and fit throwing will change that. Hubs has to work tonight. He was with me today and I loved it. But when he left for work about 1/2 an hour ago it just sucked. I am alone a good bit of the time, and I'm fairly used to it now. But tonight? Not so much. **sigh**

I went to my RE today for a re-check. The cysts are gone and I no longer have to take birth control pills. She said I should have a period in a day or two. What?!? I just had one 2 weeks ago! I will begin Follistim again on Sunday night and go for bloodwork and ultrasound on Wednesday. Woo freakin hoo.... I have completely lost all excitement for fertility treatments. I know that if this cycle doesn't work that she will want us to move on to IVF #2. I look even less forward to that.

We have almost completed our adoption paper work. Hubs got his fingerprints...I will get mine this week. We just have a few more pages to fill out and misc. forms to gather. Then we finish our remaining 2 classes next week and will be ready for a home study. We emailed our social worker on Monday for information on a little girl that we are interested in. I called today since I haven't heard from her. She basically said that it takes a while to get any info from the regional case workers and that what they do give is very little. Until we have our home study done, we are kinda stuck. Hubs said today that he wanted to get the home study done asap, because he would rather get the girl sooner than later. GULP!! That's awesome! But I can't get excited. What if she's adopted before we get to her? Or what if her social workers think we aren't a good fit? So, we wait...again.

On slightly less depressing news, we went to a Ho.me De.pot today that is closing. Everything was 50% off the regular price. We actually found a storm door with a dog door already in it for $74!! We looked at one before and it was closer to $350! So we got a deal! Now we just have to figure out how to install it. Woo Hoo!! Well, that and actually get the dogs to use it. I know Molly will...she's used one before. And I think Patches won't have an issue either. Lucy? I'm not so sure. She's so scared of everything that she might not be able to bring herself to walk through. I'll let you know.

Dog Door and Ambien...

For once, in weeks and weeks, the dogs didn't wake me up last night. Usually they have me up at least twice a night. I swear it's like having a baby but much less fun. I don't ever feel rested and I am always tired. Well, at 4 am my eyes popped open I haven't been able to go back to sleep. This is so frustrating. It makes me want to cry. It's amazing how not sleeping night after night can really get to you. I've been taking Tylenol PM from time to time but that puts me in such a fog that it takes me hours to wake up. I've also really cut way back on caffeine, especially in the evenings. But I feel like I need it to get through the day. See the irony? Anybody out there take Ambien? I'm thinking of calling my PCP Nurse today and begging her for a prescription. I have heard that it's not habit forming...anyone know for sure? I just can not take this any more. I used to have a dog door (when I only had one dog) and it was a life saver. I think this may have to happen sooner than later, much to my husband's dismay. One more thing for him to fuss about!

Boring...

Nothing to report. I'm pretty bored. Trying to muster up the energy to go to the gym. I don't know about you, but I absolutely HATE working out. I do it because I need to and it's a health thing. People keep telling me that I will learn to love it. Yeah, right. Not in this lifetime!

I also need to buy Halloween candy. Is it too early for that? I should probably wait until Friday afternoon to buy it. The problem is, I don't buy the crappy stuff. I buy the good stuff! And I LOVE the good stuff. So, it's going to be a bit of a challenge to not eat it all before Friday. Anyone else out there psycho over chocolate?

Looks like I will officially be starting classes in January. I'm looking forward to that. I would like to at least get a part time job but that's not happening either. I'll see if the school has anything for me once I start classes.

We will complete our adoption classes in about 2 weeks. Hubs finished his paperwork this weekend. He let me read it and it almost made me cry. He said some very sweet things about me. I really love that man! We have found a little girl that we are both thinking about non stop. I think I told you that there is a website with photos of waiting children. We have been looking at her profile and finally asked our social worker if she could give us any info. She said she will so we are just waiting to hear back from her. I am trying not to get too attached to the idea of her. There could be 10 other couples looking at her too. This is the hard part. But, just like with everything else, we wait.

I got back for a scan on Friday to see if the cysts have gone away. If so, we can start stims again right away. If not, I guess we continue waiting. I'll let you know either way.

So, here is a random story. As you know, we have 3 big dogs. We decided to have the house and yard treated for fleas. (No, we don't have fleas, but we want to keep it that way! =) ) So, the company schedules an appointment for Thursday. They said that I would need to gone for 3 hours after the treatment and that the dogs had to be gone as well. I was like, what? What am I supposed to do with 3 dogs for 3 hours? One of which is old and can barely walk? I literally gave myself a headache thinking about it. Then the clouds parted and the sun shone through! Why not have the yard and house treated on different days? Can you believe it took me 2 days to come up with that one? I swear, my brain is turning to mush.

AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

My brain feels like it's stuck in a tornado! I'm trying to get everything ready to begin classes in January. I need a few pre-requisites before I can apply to the nursing program. Normal...I get that. But check this out! Before I can even take my physiology class, I have to have passed Human Anatomy (which I've already done) and then pass a physiology assessment test! I've never heard of such a thing. If you've never taken physiology how can you pass a test on it? I also have to take a math assessment test to tell me what math class I need to take. This is not that abnormal to me. But a test for physiology? Ugh!! I would prefer to NOT take any type of remedial class because that is a total waste of time. So now I have to study and get ready to take these tests just so I can take a class. And it's $29 for every test you take. I'm waaay too old for this!!

Since we are kinda standing still on the adoption front, I thought that I would volunteer with foster kids. There is a program called CASA (court appointed special advocate) that I am very interested in. I would basically be the go to person for a specific child. I would go to court with them and just be there for whatever comes up. The time requirement is around 15 hours a month and you get lots of one on one time with the child. Well, I spoke with the volunteer coordinator and she asked me about our plans for adoption. Turns out that you can't be a CASA volunteer if you are planning to adopt a child in my county. We might adopt from another county, but we just don't know. It is considered a conflict of interest to do CASA work and adopt from the same county. I totally understand. They don't want you getting attached to a child through CASA and then leave to adopt your own. And they don't want any red tape if you adopt a child and are already working with CASA. All of that to say..I can't do it now. I'm a little sad about it but what can I do? Frustrating!!!!

And I'm still waiting to see when we can start another cycle. I thought that by this point in my life I would have everything together. Not trying to have a baby and going back to school. I feel like I'm stuck in my high school years again! Well, minus the trying to have a baby part!

Needless to say, I feel like my head is going to explode! One day at a time, I know. I've got lots of studying to do. Wish me luck!!

A Life On Hold

It's amazing how little I have to talk about if not talking about my ovaries and vagina. This waiting phase is boring...and I feel like I'm wasting precious time. It's necessary, I know. But I'm tired of waiting! I know you understand.

As you know, I've had a really hard time finding a job. I've been a "homemaker" for over 9 months now and I see no end in sight. So, I have decided to go back to school. Yes, I know...35 year old in a class of 18 year olds. I'll seem like their grandmother! I wasn't able to finish my undergrad due to the fact that I was POOR! But, I kept getting great jobs and never went back. I realize that I should have finished and that I might not ever find a job if I don't! So, I have decided to become a nurse. There is always a need and no matter where I live, I will be able to find a job. I will have a few pre-requisite classes to take, but I hope to get into the nursing program next fall. I have applied and am getting all of my transcripts together so we'll see how that goes. Please send good vibes my way! My goal is to start classes in January.

I realized that I have spent the last 3+ years holding off on things that I want to do. I keep thinking..well, what if I'm pregnant? What if we have a baby? I realized that I can't keep putting my life on hold waiting to have a baby. I've wasted so much time. If I get pregnant during all of this, wonderful! But I will deal with it if and when the time comes. Plus, it's nice to focus on something else.

I finally went back to the gym on Monday. On Tuesday I could barely lift my arms. I went to the doctor for a TB test and Tetanus shot yesterday and even the stethoscope on my chest was painful. That'll teach me not to work out for 2 weeks. I'm going again today to work on legs. If I don't post for a few days it might be because I can't walk to the computer!

Fun with Pictures!

I thought I would give you a few glimpses into my world! If you haven't heard, we have been experiencing quite the drought here in Austin. I have only seen one day's worth of rain since May. Believe it or not, the lack of rain and abundance of sunshine is very depressing. I am ready for cooler weather!


Here is what our back yard looks like with no rain. We kept the front watered but the back was futile.



Here is what the sky looks like on a regular basis. This is usually as close as it gets to raining. Just big dark clouds and not a drop of water!


I found some crazy before weight loss photos and I almost died. I can't believe how HUGE I was. I still have a ways to go, but holy crap!! Check this out!

This was on a cruise in May 2006. One is of me and hubs and one with me and a guy that looked like George Carlin.

And this was made on Friday night.

And for a cute, cute, cute Halloween picture! (She's the only dog I have that will let me take photos of her!)

And, one of us feeding Lorikeets at Sea World.

TTC + BCP = HUH?

So, looks like I'll be taking birth control pills for a few weeks. Why, you may ask? I have cysts on both ovaries. I went in for my day 3 scan to start stims but we got a nice surprise. I'm lucky that it's never happened before. After all, I'm asking my ovaries to do 500 times the work they are supposed to. I'm surprised they haven't exploded by now! It's not painful...but we want to keep it that way. I'll take BCP's for 2 weeks to try and shrink the cysts and go back on October 31 for a recheck. Not sure what will happen then.

On a more fun note, we went to Sea World today. I'll post pictures tomorrow. The weather was beautiful and it wasn't crowded. FUN FUN!!

Are you FREAKING kidding me?

So, they wanted a girl but had 2 boys instead. She wanted her 2nd baby to die when she found out it wasn't a girl. Then this crazy therapist tells her she's justified in how she's feeling...and she's helping them "mourn the loss of the daughter they never had". I'm not really sure I need to say much more...I think the top of my head my blow off! I'm pretty sure this is the most unbelievable story I've ever heard. Freakin morons!!!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27197571/

Please read and feel free to share your thoughts!!

Back in the stirrups again (AKA this cycle was a bust)

It's official...I'm not pregnant. I decided not to waste my one pregnancy test...especially since I was bleeding. I went in and had blood drawn this morning. It's just as well...especially with the bleeding. I would rather not be pregnant and bleeding than the other way around. Keri asked me yesterday if I was still going to get my blood drawn on Friday. I said of course I was! It would be my luck that I didn't test, assume I wasn't pregnant, then it would be an ectopic, my tubes would explode and I would die! A little dramatic, I know. But, I don't have the best track record in the world! I go in tomorrow for my base line ultrasound and start meds again on Sunday. I'm trying to gear up for everything. The next 2 weeks will fly by with appointments and meds and blood draws and ultrasounds. Then the next 2 will drag by...making creaking noises as it goes. How much more??? I wish we could have an end in sight. But, for now, we are doing our 5th Inject/IUI cycle and are hoping it works. If not? We'll have to decide when the time comes.

I talked to my friend Tanya today. She is the one who miscarried twice in the past 3 months. She had blood work done to see if they could figure out what's going on with her. She is in that learning phase...one that I remember well. It's a painful thing to go through...learning about infertility. I guess it's good and bad that I've pretty much been there done that. I swear I could do my RE's job sometimes! =) It's amazing how deep we dig and how much we learn going through all of this crap. She will probably go for her first RE appointment next month. I don't want them to find anything but I want them to find something to fix! Don't we all want that? Ugh...

Kelly went in for her HSG today. I haven't heard back from her yet. Hopefully it wasn't painful and it went well. I hate how close to home infertility is hitting.

Hopefully the hubs and I can do something fun this weekend. We have been trying to get to San Antonio to go to Sea World forever now. We have season passes but haven't been able to use them yet. It's been so hot that it wasn't an option...then we didn't have the time. But now the weather is nice and we are itching to go! It's alot of fun! By the way, if you've never been to San Antonio, you should go at least once. The River Walk is really cool and nothing like I expected. It's much better. Plus there is the Alamo, the Market, Six Flags, Sea World...it's really great!

I hope all is well with you. I thought about you on National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It saddens me to know how many losses all of us have suffered. We think about what it would be like if only it had not happened. I would have a 2 1/2 year old daughter now. It blows my mind to think about that. I'm sorry for all that you have been through...some miscarriages..some 2nd trimester and full term stillbirths...some born alive and lost way too soon. I hope this next year is full of successes for you and that you have babies wearing you out this time next year. I'm so glad I have you as a community...and that we can help each other through these times.

Still Spotting

Looks like I'm gearing up for yet another inject/IUI cycle. Joy to the world! The spotting slacked off yesterday but it's getting heavier as the day goes on. I'm pretty sure this cycle is a bust. So, I'll be back in the stirrups again next week. It's interesting that on my last medicated cycle I ovulated 3 eggs and all fertilized. I most likely had at least 3 this time too and it looks like none of them did this time. Our bodies are so weird. It is so hard to try and decide what to do next, you know? I mean, even if we had all the money in the world, I don't know that I could just keep going and going and going. I know there are people out there that have done IVF 7, 8, 9 times. I just don't know that I have it in me. I guess I don't have to worry about it since I don't have about $100,000 sitting around. How does anyone have that kind of money?

On the adoption front....we are still wading through the paperwork. We've had some deep conversations about it lately. We aren't exactly on the same page with everything...so I'm not sure what is going to happen. Everything feels like it's in limbo right now.

I'll let you know what's going on Friday. I will do a HPT and then go for blood work. It can't get here soon enough. All we infertiles seem to do is wait!

( I just mistyped "infertile" and it came out "Infertilite". Maybe that's what we should start calling ourselves!)

Spotting...

I am 11 days past ovulation and started spotting this morning. It could be my period coming or it could be a fluke thing. I feel inclined to go with the period theory. That doesn't explain why I've been feeling nauseous but I don't have the energy to focus on that. So, we wait until Friday to know for sure. If I'm not pregnant we have to figure out pretty quickly if we are going right into another cycle. Or if it's best to go to with IVF again. I was such a weenie with my first IVF that the thoughts of doing it again just make me miserable. It's not an easy thing to deal with, as many of you know. Too many shots!! Stupid Lupron headaches! Plus blood work and having a needle shoved through your vagina into your ovaries to snatch out your eggs. Sounds more fun that Disney, huh? Actually, Disney would be MUCH cheaper and a heck of alot more fun!
I'm really not terribly upset at the thought of this cycle not working. I will be disappointed, of course, but not devastated. I've been here too many times to let my emotions get the best of me yet again. I'll keep you posted.

To PGD or not to PGD...

Let me ask you a question. What do you think of PGD (pre-genetic diagnosis)? I know there are many good things about it, like finding out if your child will have some horrible disease. But you can also determine the gender of your future children before they are put in the womb. I was reading a blog earlier and this couple did IVF/PGD. They found that one embryo had Downs Syndrome and some other ones had other various issues. The 3 they put back in were healthy and there were 2 girls and a boy. Is it just me or does this make anyone else feel weird? I mean, we are already playing God by forcing our bodies to do things they clearly don't want to do. Then we take an embryo and pluck out a cell? What if that cell was meant for something important...like the top of the head? I know we all want our children to be healthy, but is it really fair to say who goes back in and who doesn't?

My neighbor is 20+ weeks pregnant and they had their big ultrasound today. They found some issue with the baby's intestines that is a marker for Downs Syndrome...echogenic bowel. Of course she is upset at the thought of her child going through life with a disability. But she turned down the amnio because it didn't matter. She will love this child if it's born "normal" or not.

I really just don't know how I feel about it. I would greatly appreciate your input. My RE gave me the option of doing IVF/PGD but even she doesn't recommend it/like it.

2 WW and Adoption Update

Hello everyone! How ya doin? We had some major computer problems this weekend so I'm sorry I haven't updated in a few days. We actually got a new computer out of the deal. And it's FAST!! I'm loving it!

I had a fun weekend. My friend Keri and I had a girls day all day Saturday! A girls day plus her baby! He was the best baby all day long. He didn't make a sound other than to laugh! My dogs were rough housing and he just cackled laughing. The sweetest sound ever. We both talked about how we felt so carefree! It was great.

We had our first home walk through this morning with our social worker. She wanted to make sure that we didn't have any guns or knives lying around, etc. I was talking to her about my struggles and she told me that she understood..she's been there too. She is pregnant for the 3rd time with no baby. She was actually going to her first ultra sound appointment today. This is the farthest she has ever progressed so she is nervous. Unfortunately, I completely understand.

I've been thinking alot about adoption and what it would be like to be a parent. The thought of bringing a child into your life and home is a bit daunting! I'm sure it feels the same way when you give birth. It's just that these kids we are looking to adopt have been through so much already. They have been abused and/or neglected and have such trust issues. Heck! Who wouldn't? I don't worry that I wouldn't love the child enough, I worry more about being the kind of parent that she will need. And that Heath and I won't be able to get it together to give her what she needs. Ugh... We have alot to discuss before our home study is done. And what if I get pregnant? Will it progress and equal a baby? If it does, what happens to our adoption plans? If it doesn't what happens to our adoption plans? If I'm not pregnant, what's our next step? Do we pursue more treatments? What kind? More injectibles? IVF, again? If we do another IVF cycle, that will wipe out our insurance benefits. I'm not complaining! (See last post). We have no options without insurance. Do I use the rest of our benefits on injectible/IUI's? What would you do?

I just wish I had a stopping point in sight. I need a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm getting too old for this!

I am 10 days into my 2 WW. I have had a few "symptoms"...but you know as well as I do that it could mean something..or it could mean nothing. I've been nauseous a few times and my nipples have been doing weird tingly things. TMI? Ha! It's only going to get worse! I'm also taking/inserting those bastardly progesterone vaginal suppositories. ( I don't want to say that I'm taking them, because, well, hello!!) It's better than those bastardly shots in the butt! More like goop and itchiness in the butt crack! You know what I'm talking about!! If I get pregnant I will have to take them for weeks and weeks. I have progesterone issues. Big surprise! My list of reproductive issues is growing by leaps and bounds!! My girly bits are definitely NOT earning their keep! I have decided not to test early. Kelly can't believe that I can actually wait that long to test! I just don't want to waste the money and I don't want to go through that emotional BS that comes with testing. I have one digital test that was free with my OPK's a few months ago. So, I'm waiting to use that. I test Friday. Wish me luck!

Hmmmm.....

What a busy week I've had! The adoption classes went well. We took the first 2 this week and will take the next 2 in November. We learned alot about how these children have issues bonding and trusting. It's all very sad...but there is such a need out there. Especially for these older children. We know a couple that adopted a 10 year old girl from the same agency we are using. I saw them today and asked if it would be ok to talk to their daughter about her experience. They said absolutely! We are going to try set up a date to get together. I told the girl that we were trying to adopt a little girl about her age and her whole face just lit up! Talk about a great resource to have. These kids are smart! Kids that age have great insight and we can learn tons from them! I'm excited! Oh, and I decided not to have a my TB test done this week. I've been told it's safe to get it done during pregnancy (still not sure if I am) but with my history, I don't want to take any chances. Anyone out there know for sure?

I have survived the first week of my 2 week wait. I know it's too early for symptoms so I'm not looking for any. I had been working out pretty hard about 5-6 times a week. I decided to stop everything until I know for sure if I'm knocked up. I'm also trying to maintain my weight. Not an easy task! I think that's harder than losing it! I am still walking my dogs every day so at least I am getting some movement in!! My girls are having some great success in the weight loss arena! I'm so proud of them! Sweet Keri apologized today for losing a significant amount of weight this week. I said, "Don't ever apologize!! You earned every single pound! I'm happy for you!!" You go girl!!

I had another job interview today. It seems like a great job but we'll just have to wait and see. It's a tough market out there!

I read several blogs of women who got pregnant after I did this last time. They are now in their 20th weeks of pregnancy and have just found out the genders. I keep thinking about how far along I would have been with my twins...if only I hadn't lost them. Those reminders really suck. Hopefully I"ll have a new due date in mind before too long! Maybe it's the time of year I was getting pregnant. First time in August, 2nd time in May, 3rd time in May. ??? Is there something about the summertime? Ugh...who knows.

Remember my friend Kelly in Alabama...who has lost 4 pregnancies? Well, she had her first RE appointment yesterday. She was really excited and relieved that someone was going to help her. They took a few gallons of blood from her and her husband and will do all kinds of tests. He wants them to take a break until all of this bloodwork comes back. Then they will figure out a course of treatment. She's going to have an HSG done as well. I've had 2 and they aren't bad. The 2nd one caused some cramping but I've had worse period cramps. SO! Let's all wish them well!!

Let me give a shout out to all of you folks who are going through fertility treatments. Regardless if you just started or if you are a pro already! In an ideal world everyone would have insurance to pay for their treatments and no one would have lifetime maximums! I know many of you are trying to figure out how you are going to afford it. Especially IVF. Apparently, at my clinic, one injectable cycle/IUI runs around $2500. I don't even think that covers medication. So, roughly $3,000 a month? I don't know about you, but I don't have that kind of money lying around! We are a few of the fortunate couples who has awesome insurance coverage through the hub's job. Please let me assure you, we DO NOT take this for granted. We talked the other day about what we would do if we didn't have insurance. We decided there wouldn't be much we could do...especially if we want to retire one day. So, please know that I think about you folks paying out of pocket...and for those of you who can't afford to. I think it's a shame that fertility treatments aren't covered. They will pay for abortions and sterilization surgery but not for helping you have a baby. I could go on for days...but I will spare you. I wish I had enough money to pay for you all...if I could only win the lottery!

I hope you have a smashing week and that all of your lady parts earn their keep!!

Smooch!!

Where's the good news?

I just got an email from my friend Tanya in Alabama (that's where I'm from). She found out a few weeks ago that she was pregnant. (This was her 2nd pregnancy...she miscarried about 2 months ago. ) They found out today, on their 2nd wedding anniversary no less, that she has lost baby #2. I'm so sick of bad things happening to people! Please keep her and her husband Jason in your prayers/thoughts.

Uncertainty

Isn't it amazing how little certainty we have in life? Some things are always certain...death and taxes, right? But others? Not so much... In our quest to have a child, some of us may never get pregnant, some of us may get pregnant numerous times and have numerous miscarriages...some of us may carry a child to near term just to be blindsided with a stillborn baby. Just because we get pregnant does not mean that we will have a healthy baby at the end. I read many blogs that are just so sad. My friend Kellye asks me all the time, "Leah, how can you read those blogs? It's just too sad!". And I agree...it is too sad. No one should have to go through what some of you go through. But I can't stop...I need to read to give my support to their grief. A grief that I can't possibly understand...and hope none of us ever have to. I wish that pregnancy could be a happy time for us. I'm not sure why we got hand picked to go through so much crap...but I guess it's our burden to bear.

We went to the first of 4 adoption classes last night. I really dreaded going...especially after my meltdown at the picnic last week. It was actually really great to get more information. I am looking forward to the remaining classes. We watched a video and in the beginning it talked about physical abuse. It showed pictures of children's legs and back sides that were just covered in huge bruises and cuts. I can't imagine the beating it took to put those bruises on a little body. How can anyone do that to a child? It absolutely disgusts me. These children will have to deal with that for the rest of their lives. I just want to be able to give a child a safe haven to live in. I want them to know that we will always take care of them and will never abuse them. It just makes me sick to my stomach.

In reading blogs I have noticed a trend with us infertile folks. When a friend/family member announces their pregnancy the first response often seems to be an emotional meltdown...and deep jealousy...and sadness. How dare they get so easily what I've worked so hard for. One blog writer was reading another blog and got so angry at this girl for getting pregnant with only one cycle of Clomid. She was angry at this girl for planning her nursery and buying baby clothes in the first trimester. She even secretly wished that something bad would happen just so the girl could know what it's really like. And guess what? The girl had a loss late in her 2nd trimester.
And the blog writer never felt more horrible.

I found myself doing this exact thing at our meeting last night. There was a couple there who has already picked the child they want to adopt and they are certain that they will get him. I just wanted to shake them and ask why they were being so naive! Just because we want a child doesn't mean we will get him! I wanted to tell them not to get their hopes up! There could be 10 families looking at this boy! But that is not my place. Who am I to take their hope from them? They have been through their own struggles with miscarriage and adoption. They have been waiting on a referral for a China adoption for 2 years and have all but given up. Why do we do this? What right do we have to wish ill will on anyone? This is why infertiles are crazy.

I wish I had something fun to report...but I'm in a waiting phase right now. I am going in tomorrow for a TB test...part of adoption requirements. Oh, and my case worker wants to do an initial walk through of our house next Monday. I guess I'll be in cleaning mode this weekend. Still in the wait to see if this cycle worked. Still looking for a job.

One more thing....please keep Kelly Y in your prayers. She has her first RE appointment tomorrow. That initial appointment is always so tough and scary. Let's pray that they can find some answers to her recurrent miscarriages.

Sorry!

I'm sorry I haven't updated in a few days. I wasn't able to get much computer time this weekend. Hubs was working on a mid term exam. I will update more later. Just wanted to let you know I was still alive and kicking!

XOXO!

I don't THINK so!

Last night I was doing the usual job search on Craig.s List when I found this great ad for employment. It seemed like something I would really enjoy so I applied. I noticed that there was an email address with the company name in it so I thought I would check it out. Well, guess what it was?!? It was an abortion clinic! What the crap! I just sent this resume in and have applied for employment at a abortion clinc!?! Now what do I do? So, I sent another email telling them to please disregard my resume and that I have no intention of working for a place that performs abortions. (Now, I know that people have different attitudes regarding abortion but that is not what this is about. If you have pissy comments just keep them to yourselves!) I am pretty certain that all of you girls going through infertility can agree that seeing pregnant women get abortions on a daily basis wouldn't be too good for the psyche. I might lose my mind and end up in either a) jail or b) a mental hospital.

In other news, I have officially entered the 2 week wait. I am scheduled for blood work to check HCG on October 17. We'll see how it goes. One day at a time, right? Oh, and my ovaries feel like they are the size of watermelons. Very uncomfortable. This happened in May and it took about a week to feel normal again.

Hubs just got home and is going to walk the dogs for me...since I don't feel well. I am in the office with the dogs and he is in the kitchen. He just said the word "walk" and Patches and Lucy almost had a coronary. They bolted out the door! Even if you whisper the word they go nuts! They crack me up.

So, how in the world are ya?

Hope is a Bitch

Wikipedia tells me that Hope is "a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. Hope implies a certain amount of despair, wanting, wishing, suffering or perseverance." It describes False Hope as "a hope based entirely around a fantasy or extremely unlikely outcome."


I have both, and I wish I had neither. Here's the kicker...I would like to hope that I don't have false hope. See my dilemma here? Most days I feel ok and find it easy to keep my chin up...to maintain a good kind of hope if you will. Other days like today, I wish that hope would just curl up in a ball and die. Hope doesn't cause me relief or happiness. I can say with 100% certainty that it causes me despair and suffering. I wish I had none. My friend Kelly Y. and I talk about this all the time. It would be so much easier to know for certain that we can never have children. The we could grieve and move on. When all hope is gone, the healing can begin. But we get to wait in limbo and suffer the ugliness of hope. (Notice the nice vultures in the photo below...)







I had my first of two IUI's today. It was rather uneventful. I hope that it works. I hope that the injections did all they were supposed to do.


I thought that going through the initial adoption process would make this cycle easier. At least I hoped it would. But if anything, I think it has caused me more grief. We went to the Adoption Coalition picnic today. It was a big letdown for me. I'm not sure what I expected but was disappointed with how things went. It was like a shopping spree for foster children. There were case workers there and each had a table set up. On each table was a photo book of children. The idea was to find a child you like and talk to the case worker about them...get an idea their personalities, etc. I found out that if you find a child that you are interested in your home study gets sent to the case worker. The case workers then takes the top 5 home studies and meets with each other to decide what family is the best fit for the child. I just can't even wrap my mind around all of this. There could be 15 families looking at one child at the same time. I've also noticed a trend that the "pretty, white" children are the ones being adopted. If I were in the system as a child I would have never been chosen. I'm not having a pity party, but I was an ugly kid. Do you have any idea how that breaks my heart for the not so pretty ones? I absolutely had a meltdown and had to leave. I started just sobbing and hubs was so great. He tried to comfort me but I just couldn't stop crying. The whole process of infertility and adoption is just too overwhelming.


So much of me just wants to throw my hands in the air and say forget it. It would be so much easier to not have the desire to be a parent. But what would I do with myself? Where do I fit in if my life stays just as it is now? Who do I become if I don't become a mother? Who does hubs become if not a dad?


I have been reading the journey of a couple and the struggles they are going through. They are in the process of newborn adoption. You should say hi...http://rebekahpinchback.blogspot.com/


This quote in on her website....


"The process of adopting a child pushes your personal envelope as a woman, as a mother, and ultimately, as a human being. It takes more courage than you think you have, offers more self-knowledge than you think you want, and resembles your characteristics into someone familiar but changed."Jana Wolff, Secret Thoughts of an Adopted Mother


Can anyone relate?


Stupid Hope!!!

Tutti Fruity Titty??

How many of you have seen the letter seen in the link below? Anyone out there interested in eating Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream made with breast milk?

http://www.peta.org/mc/NewsItem.asp?id=11993


One of the blogs I read is having a contest to come up with new names for breast milk ice cream. Here are a few that almost made me fall out of my chair laughing...


Mammary Marshmallow Swirl
Marshmammary Madness
Caramel Areola Swirl
Extra Creamy Chocolate Bosom and Extra Creamy Vanilla Bosom
Dulce de Leche de la Madre
Bosom Buddy Nutty
Neapolactation
Boobie Batter (Brownie Batter)
Banana Tit (Banana Split)
Half A'Breast (Half Baked)
Booby Treasure (Berried Treasure)
Sweet Teat & Cookies (Sweet Cream & Cookies)
Juggin' Me Crazy (Jamacian Me Crazy)
Vanilla Fudge Tit (Vanilla Fudge Chip)
Colostrumallow
Dulce de Duct-e
Peanut Udder Cup
Engorgemint


And I thought I was half crazy!!!

Cute dog

I keep finding these really cute pictures of Patches and I have to share. She is the silliest, cutest dog!!

She was sleeping with her lip all curled up. Of course, when I got the camera she woke up.



Isn't she precious?!?!

Trigger Happy

Good news folks! I did not ovulate on my own. Here is the rundown/sizes of follicles. On the right...22,18,16,15,13 and on the left 17,15,13,12. They will continue to grow a bit until I ovulate. I am going to give myself my trigger shot in just a few minutes. This will make me ovulate in the next (i think) 36 hours. We go in for an IUI tomorrow and again on Friday. Then starts the dreaded 2 week wait. My ovaries are definitely letting me know they are there. They feel very tender and huge. I really want to be excited but I just can't seem to muster up the energy to get there. One day at a time...that's all I can do.

I met my girls for lunch again today. We just laughed and laughed! I am by myself quite a bit and it's always nice to be around people. It was alot of fun.

I told you that I was looking for a job and that it's not going too well...remember? My neighbor knows about this and told me that they are hiring someone in her office. Sounds like a great job and one that I would like. She took my application in to give to her boss. Turns out that over 100 people have already applied for this one position. How insane is that? No wonder I can't find a job. It is very frustrating. I am hopeful that at least I will get an interview!

On a much lighter note...I bought a Ped Egg the other day. It is friggin awesome! You know on the commercial, how when she empties the egg there is a ton of dead skin in there? Well, mine looked just like that. It looked like grated Parmesan cheese. It is DISGUSTING! But my heels were nice and soft! My mother thinks that this is the most horrific device ever created. She would rather cut off her own hand than use this device! I like to torture her by talking about it all the time! I'm such a peach! So, take your crusty feet to the store and buy one today!