Do Blogs Scare You?

For some reason, reading all of your blogs scares the crap out of me! I can't really explain it. I mean, we've all been through so much and maybe I'm scared of having to go through it again. I read about you going through IVF and it almost makes me panic. Mostly for you, but for me as well. I'm terrified that I will have to go through it all again. And all of those injectible/IUI cycles? I hate that you have to do it. I don't ever want to do it again either. Fertility treatments are NOT for the faint of heart and I admire you for digging in your heels and giving it everything you've got to try and have a baby. And for those of you adopting? Terrified right along with you. I also admire you for digging your heels and never giving up to have your little/not so little babies. This journey through infertility makes us women (and men) that we don't necessarily want to be. It affords us a strength that we never knew we had, a stamina like no other, a pain tolerance to beat all, both physically but mostly mentally. Am I a better person for going through infertility and loss? Is my marriage better for it? Not so sure I can say yes to those things. I KNOW in my heart that God has a plan and that "everything happens for a reason". But seriously? I've yet to find the reason. Yes, I've learned alot. But I've also become bitter and fearful. I've made some amazing friends through this journey. I wouldn't change that. But everything else? I would probably, no...definitely change. Anyone out there relate? I HATE more than anything that you are having to suffer just to have a child. That you have to spend your life savings at the chance of getting pregnant. $15,000 with no guarantees of success. And just because you have initial success, you aren't guaranteed a live baby at the end. It hurts me more that I can say that you have to go through that.

SO.....hear about that octuplets born in California today (that's 8...EIGHT!!!)? I won't even get started on this one. I really feel sorry for those babies and want to punch the parents and the doctor in the face. They have caused a lifetime of problems for those innocent babies....getting started...sorry.

Class is going really well. I really like my microbiology class. We are doing some pretty cool things in lab. Math class in interesting too. College Math. Nothing like I thought it would be. All about problem solving using sentences instead of numbers. And it's all making sense. Who knew?

Still waiting on adoption news. We've submitted our home study and now we wait. It sucks. There is nothing I can do to be proactive. This is where adoption differs from fertility treatments. We can go full force, try new treatments, move ahead month after month. With adoption, you sit and wait and wait and wait. There is no moving forward. There is nothing that can be done to speed up the process. Talk about frustrating!

9 week ultrasound tomorrow. I'm not as fearful as I have been the last few weeks. I'm still on the verge of terrified but not quite over the edge. I am praying non stop that everything looks ok. I know how quickly things can change and I really pray that they only change in a good way. You know...growth, stronger heartbeat, clot to be gone. I go in at 11 so I'll update you as soon as I can. Please keep everything crossed. I'm trying to be all Zen and Yoga like. Unfortunately, I'm not very flexible and my mind won't shut the hell up long enough to meditate. =) I'm a disaster!

We've been talking about boy names lately...i know...tempting fate...but I came up with a great name! Ichabod Nimrod. Good, no?