HCG Hell

On top of EVERYTHING else going on, my HCG didn't look so good today. I checked on Thursday and it was 22,000 ish (don't have the official number). Today it only rose to 30,413. I know it was a rise and I know that HCG levels taper off around 7 - 8 weeks (I'm not quite 7 weeks yet) and that the doubling time goes from 48 to 72+ hours. I know that "at least it didn't drop" but it gives me absolutely no relief. My progesterone is good at 30.2 and my estrogen is good at 377. We won't know anything until the ultrasound on Wednesday but that is 2 days away. Waiting is horrible! I asked if I could come in tomorrow instead of Wednesday. Still waiting to hear what the doctor has to say. I know it would be best if I waited but I can't imagine keeping my sanity if I have to wait much longer. I'm not sure how much relief I'll even get with an ultrasound. If there is no fetal growth and no heart beat I'll most likely have to wait another week to just make sure. Then D&C and recovery time and bleeding and cramping and yuckiness.

I really just don't know where we go from here. I can't imagine that this pregnancy will be ok. If it is, it will be a huge miracle. I am definitely praying for that but holding out hope is getting harder by the minute. This is my 4th pregnancy. I have 2 miscarriages and one ectopic pregnancy under my belt. If this one doesn't make it I'm not sure we will ever have success in having a child. Is it my eggs? Is it my uterus? Do I have some horrible disorder that is keeping me from keeping a pregnancy? These are things that I want to find out sooner than later.

I know lots of people who say "well at least you know you can get pregnant". I would rather not get pregnant and have to go through the heartache and stress and loss time and time again. The joy of getting pregnant has been robbed from me. The moment I see a positive test I start to panic. I'm not happy or overjoyed. I am scared to death. And you know what? The loss doesn't affect only me. It breaks my heart to tell my husband over and over again that this doesn't look good. To tell our families that once again, you won't be grandparents yet. Not only do we have to stress of infertility treatments, but we also have to deal with loss over and over again. I thank God that we are still together. Many couples break up over dealing with this type of thing. I know I am having a pity party right not but it's the only thing I know to do. I know lots of people have it far worse than me and I am not taking that lightly. It's just that right now, after everything we've been through, I am angry!